Lipstick Cover-Up

Goodbye and thank you for now. I just don't have it in me lately to blog and I feel like ignoring it is bad in some way. I'll still be reading your blogs, (you know who you are:))...but not posting I don't imagine here any longer...I could change my mind in a month or 2 but for now, I'll see you all in the ether on your comment pages!

Lots of love to each of you!

-Lil'sis

I run, I wish I could really say, "I'm a runner" but I'm not, I just run, I love it most of the time, it clears my head, makes me feel good when I'm done and keeps me in pseudo shape so when I have moments of weakness and eat a Ho-ho at 10pm the guilt doesn't overwhelm me so much that I run and make myself vomit...I just tell myself I'll run an extra quarter mile the next day and have a milk chaser. I'm not one of those with a runner's body, you know, sleek, gazelle like, they sort of coast above the ground, barely laying foot to pavement, not to mention they have those six-pack abs that I refuse to believe a mother of 3 can every regain. No I'm short, muscular yes, but there is not a six-pack on my midsection, the remnants of a six pack of doughnuts maybe, or those cute little wine 6-packs you can pick up for a picnic, but no toned hot muscle six-pack to be sure.

In my neighborhood there are these great trails for running, hills, flats, wooded and sunny spaces, tranquil and solitary in parts and near homes and the pool and clubhouse in other areas, I like them, and folks walk their dogs on them, and that's fine, they are very good about picking up the poop or curbing them so they poop where I don't tread, works for me.

There is this one adorable man we'll call him Buddy for anonymity sake, and he has this wonderful dog, beautiful dog I should say, well trained and cared for but still a bit young and prone to jumping up on you with paws on your shoulders and licking you to let you know he's really that big and huge and full of love. I'm ok with it, this dog makes my day quite often, so happy you know, and his owner is very nice as well.

Well I see them while running sometimes and last night was no different, getting my run in a little late, starting to get dark, I'm on the trail and come upon them, naturally I take the ipod off and chit chat and pet my pooch. We're mid sentence and pooch decides, that bead of sweat on her neck looks like a squirrel, I should pounce, and so he LEAPS, and his ginormous skull hits at the base of my chin and knocks me back....on my ass. I'm not graceful in the fall and then I have the doggie on top of me showering me with doggie love...as adorable man watches and chuckles and tries to gain control of said pooch.

I swear I saw white at impact, just a little flash of it. I really thought I must be bleeding, but no, and there is a lovely bruise, but it HURTS SO MUCH MORE than it looks!

When I make it home my spouse asks, "did you fall on your chin?" No, the dog knocked me out. It was good for a few laughs but no sympathy, "that's what you get for running." Like it's a bad thing, like it's stealing hub caps or selling crack on the corner, RUNNING!

Today was the first day of school for my children, well Emmy and Gabe that is. They were excited and nervous, it's a new school for them since we moved and I'm feeling very good about it. When we went to the open house I was astounded by the difference in this school compared to their former, much more rural school. Not just size, but what was there, the oh so very many computers EVERYWHERE, for them to use all the time, they get to have laptops too in their classes...PUBLIC SCHOOL...the other school there was ONE computer lab for the whole school and I say it kindly that it wasn't state of the art. All the supplies, the many many MANY BOOKS!!!! Each class had a wonderfully stocked library not to mention the actual LIBRARY, and the MUSIC and ART rooms were just great. The art teacher showed off the brand new kiln he got over the summer, he's in the NEWLY BUILT WING of the school, which is also where Emmy's classrooms are, B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

I was so happy...then I was so sad. Sad for our old school, those teachers were amazing, did a lot with a little, made the best of a sometimes very difficult situation. It just got me to thinking about the common discussion of inequity in the public education system in the States today. I talked with a friend last night about it and she concurred with my views. No Child Left Behind is leaving a lot of kids behind, it doesn't make the system fair, if you live in a wealthy district, your public schools are better...if not you hopefully have good dedicated professionals who make up for the lack of "supplies" they are given...but it doesn't happen most of the time. Good teachers want to go to Good schools, in Good neighborhoods, that PAY BETTER so they can take care of their own families....I know there are exceptions, certainly there are, I know a few of them, they are my sisters...working in inner-city schools, they are AMAZING Educators, children hope to get them and administrators have nightmares about losing them. But lose them they will eventually. The overworked, undersupported, underpaid and burnt out professionals that are the backbone of education will leave for better stomping grounds.

I know this argument of mine totally leaves out the role of the parent(s) in education, but that is a whole other post. I know there's good and bad everywhere, you get what you get and work hard, but when some are starting at such a disadvantage it just makes the inequity seem very criminal.

I love being healthy, I love when my kids and my husband are healthy. So KNOCK ON WOOD, it doesn't happen often and now I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop so to speak b/c in my experience it usually does, but maybe not this time, living on hope in that regard...

I know I've shared that we just moved, bought a new lovely house, are getting settled...yeah! But I've failed to mention that we still need to put the old house on the market....UGH..UGH. The thought brings fear to the surface for me, inside I get all jittery feeling, and ill in my stomach, I feel acid creeping up my throat...I hate this and all it entails. I've been sort of just not thinking about the old house, you know I'm not there, so it doesn't exist anymore right?

Fucking wrong! It's there, still needs all the UPKEEP, and UTILITIES paid, and is awaiting new carpet that I have yet to order, and needs 3 more rooms painted and needs new fixtures in the master bath, shall I continue!!!!!?????!!!! Friggin bull crap #%*&*%&$!!

The agent emailed me today..."how are the repairs/upgrades going? You know that family I told you about that drove by and looked at the house, well they just got a contract on their old home and would really like to see yours...when will it be ready?"

Well that is fab and all, but damn it it's not ready! SHIT, shit, SHIT....SHITTTTT

With all of the husband issues, and Izzy being sick and back to school stuff, oh yeah and MY FULL TIME JOB AND ALL...crap. I told her to give me a week, see if they could wait a week and I'd get as much done as is possible.

Yes, I also haven't mentioned I don't think that we have friends staying in the old house for the next 3 weeks. Great family, 3 kids, their middle child is my son's best friend, they are building a new home, have been for months, it was supposed to be ready end of July, then the builder said, mid-August, and in July he tells them, sorry folks second week of September. So they were going to be homeless for a few weeks with kids needing to go back to school and both of them being teachers, going back to work. Hence we offer up our place for the fill-in time so they don't have to pay an arm and a leg or a child for short term furnished housing, now I feel terrible that we're going to have to be in and out painting, etc. They're great though, and fine with it, but still.

Ok, now I'm rambling and have other things I've got to do....but wanted to thank you all for the well wishes and emails about Izzy really was so nice to feel all that good energy.

Last week Izzy, my baby, was sick started on Wednesday, just not herself, cranky, tired, not wanting to eat, but drinking fine, Thursday, fever, vomited once, didn't sleep well, VIRUS I think...Friday morning low grade, not bad, she's happy, drinking still, I go to work. I get home from work and she's flushed and not happy at all, take the temp and low and behold 104.2...hmmm...could still be viral, administer meds, get more drink for her and make appointment for doc in the morning....bad night, up a lot, high fever not coming down much, do a tepid bath, it helps, she rests some. Meds, meds, meds...doc in the morning, fever is around 103.8 with meds, they say alternate tylenol and motrin every 3 hours, confirm the doses, and that it's viral, call in a few days if no change...ok I say, and call if it goes to 105, ok I say...

Later that day, about 3 whole hours later, we're up to 105.1 and she's got horrid chills and shakes, then pukes, fever goes up a bit more and she sleeps so restlessly, I call the docs, they say, call us if it goes to 106, gothcha....she wakes with the shivers, the shakes, blue little lips, cold hands and toes, I bundle, snuggle, and rock, then heats up, pukes and spikes...we continue this cycle all night till the next morning and we get to a whopping 106.1, off to the hospital we go and she is admitted, poked prodded and all around violated to find her "source" as the docs so lovingly call it...we have a winner ECOLI, fuckers, I have no idea where/when/or how and neither to they, probably started as a mild uti, moved to the kidneys, moved to the blood.

She is home now, pale as a sheet, but smiling, fever is nearly gone and she's taking her meds well, another 8 days of kick your butt antibiotics and she'll be good as new.

I've written before about our 2 oldest kids being very sick when they were younger, we didn't think we'd have more, too risky we thought. Izzy is such a joy, such a blessing and has always been the picture of health, you know the regular ear infections and colds that come with being a kid with older school age siblings, but nothing that needed the hospital. So this initially brought back terrible memories, and of course she's fine, no long term problems, she didn't have any seizures from the fever, so docs think there's no fever related injuries thank the Lord.

We're tired, but happy now.

The older kids are off at camp this week, their final HOORAH of summer before going back to school next week! Can you believe it, the buses will be running, got the new backpacks and supplies ready to go!

Thank you for your prayers for those of you who knew she was sick, I can speak with authority that the power or prayer has done wonders for me and my children over the years, you may not get what you think you want, but you do get what you need I believe that sincerely.

Lots of love to each of you!

I have nothing to say...i'm down, I have that to say. I feel a bit lost, a bit adrift and I'm looking for a nice friendly shore to park my butt on for a while. I'm chock full of anxiety and worry lately, and I find my only real outlet is running, which is great, reading, if I only had the time on a regular basis, and feeling indifferent, which is just terrible.



It's been a long hot summer, kids go back to school in a couple of weeks, baby is loving her "school"/daycare...love my new neighborhood and the people, an amazing change from our last neighborhood where people didn't share time or talk much. There are these wonderful running/walking trails which have done wonders for my race training.



And shhh, if you could all keep a secret for me, my boss, who is a huge runner/marathoner, would like to sponsor me for the NYC Marathon in 2008, sounds great, until I remind myself that it's 26.2 friggin miles, and the 10-miler I did this past spring was great, but kicked my ASS, but great b/c I finished.



We'll have to see how it all goes, but I thought it was a lovely gesture that he thought 1. I could do it, 2. I'd like it, and 3. I was worth it.



I don't feel all that "worth it" lately. My marriage is difficult at best lately, of course I'm hesitant about the kids starting at thier new school, I've fielded more, "will I make friends, will I like it, will I get lost there" questions than you can count. With their dad's recent personal turmoil in the form of depression, and severe lack of motivation, they've both (the older 2) gotten a new level of anxious when they're at home than I've ever seen before, they worry about him, and I talk to them, I reassure, we discuss as best we can, but it's still there, and it sucks and I can't fix it AT ALL really.



I have to thank my sisters, Buddha Girl and Wine Girl, Amy and Kathy, so very much for their support and encouragement, and willingness to help me out. They have the 2 older kids for this week, at the beach with their own families, while me and baby and the husband are at home doing what we do. I couldn't take the time off but they were so wonderful to include my kids in their vacation together. The time alone it gives me with the baby one on one is very nice too:)



So ladies, thank you, you are wonderful and inspirational to me.



I feel frustrated, like tending to my family and taking care of my marriage are in 2 different directions and that I can't do both well when that's how it is. My family comes first, my children come first. I don't have a choice about working, it must happen for us to eat and live. But then there is very little nurture and energy left for my marriage. We've never had a lack of love, it's all the other stuff that makes us getting along difficult. What feels worse lately is the level of indifference I feel about it, I'd rather be upset/angry/passionate in some way than feel indifferent. He is a good man, a wonderful father and he's always been nothing but loving and caring and generous with me...we both deserve better than what we've got today...I'm hoping it's just a tough time for us right now and that we'll come out the other end of this together.



I don't really feel all that secure saying all this here now either since I know one of his sisters likes to check on my bloggy and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to blog, someone might find me out or steal my identity, or stalk us she fears I guess, but I need to get it all out, I've either absent or so very vanilla in my posts for too long b/c of that worry and I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.



Lots of love to you all!



-Lil'sis

It's done, we moved yesterday. Last night was the first in our new home and it was great.

We had movers, so can't take credit for too much heavy lifting, but we packed it all and will UNPACK it all now. Mom helped us ALL DAY too, thank goodness for that. The kitchen is done, up and running, dishes and glasses away, fridge loaded, pantry full, pots and pans in their new homes.

I met hubby, Emily and Gabe there at lunchtime, movers didn't get to the new place till 30 minutes later than them. We ate lunch on the floor in the dining room, it was our first official meal together in the house and we laughed and giggled the whole way through it. It was one of those moments of joy that you get every now and again, just pure joy. Certainly moving is a stressful experience, lots going on, too many balls in the air at once, but that 30 minutes kept me going the rest of the day and night.

During the afternoon my mom and I were getting the kitchen done and the kids were playing, the baby, Izzy, has just started a full fledged daycare program/school so that's where she was. The movers, all very cute college boys, were moving stuff in and my mom looks over at me and mentions how "absolutley adorable" they all are...that she "felt like Mrs. Robinson" enjoying the view and all, then quoting from the movie says, "It'a all about Plastics"...I was laughing my butt off at her, too funny!!!

When we finished for the day and had dinner and got everyone washed and settled in for the night I had a great moment with my hubby, things haven't been so great as of late, stress, medical issues, etc. But it was a good moment, just looking at one another in our new living room, picutures on the walls, furniture all arranged and smiling, like "We did it" and "We did it together"....it was a nice moment, one I've been praying for lately.

So, I'm sure that the next week will be lots of rearranging, unpacking, getting settled, but it's all good. I'm glad it's over, whew!

We're having a packing party this weekend, so far the only guests that have RSVP'd are my sisters and mother. You think I should be shocked right, and I am, truly I thought lots of friends would want to spend their Saturday helping me pack my house for our upcoming MOVE!

One friend suggested to me today that we pack the china first (like I have any friggin' china, ha!) since when my sisters and I get together, the wine flows freely, then we save the winter clothes to be packed when we're three sheets to the wind in the evening! Let's just say we'll be eating take-out for meals, that's right MEALS. Paper plates will be on hand for sandwiches, but very little cooking will take place in my home for the following week:)

The kids are excited. Green Bean had a great time at the beach with his friend, his hair is all bleached blonde now and he's so tan, that was with 50spf mind you! Loud Girl got home from camp just full of flair! She had a blast and now has decided she'd like to "travel for a living" good for her I say, good luck with that, I can only help finance till you're 18 though and being that your 9 now, 18 isn't far off really. She'll be EuroRailing it in no time and is certain to be my one child who goes into the Peace Corps no doubt. This week she spent at my sister's home over by the coast, they've had fun, but I'm certain it has given my sister's decision to stop at 2 kids more reinforcement in her mind!

Hubby is doing better, the cancer scare has past...all tests last week came back clean on the bladder cancer front, the bleeding has stopped, and now it's just working toward getting his body back in the shape he'd like and his head back in the game so to speak. All formidable battles, but all which I'm willing to be a party to. He is a good man, a great friend, wonderful husband and father. He wants to be well mentally and physically and I believe he will be given time and effort. The first is a given, the second we need to really work at. Finding the will to have the effort to succeed is our biggest battle I think, but I believe in him, if I could convince him to believe in himself I think we have very good chances:)

Work is great. The new house will be a good change for us, the new schools are great on paper, so I hope the kids settle in well, fingers crossed.

The baby, Izzy, starts at a daycare in 2 weeks. This will be a first for her in this type of setting. She's now 18 months, and I think she'll do great. Adjustments will have to happen, but I'm confident that we'll survive it (read: scared shitless, worried about it and hoping beyond hope that she doesn't cry all day and that mom doesn't cry all day either! that I'm not totally screwing up her world with this change)

So how are each of you doing? I've been trying to keep up with the bloggy buddies, but it's not as easy as it sounds as you each well know.

Lots of love to each of you, be well and enjoy!

-Lil'sis

Yesterday we dropped Loud Girl off at Summer Camp, SLEEPAWAY camp.

She did great, Mom held it together until we drove away, I wasn't Hysterical or anything, but I was a bit misty eyed to be sure. I was so proud of her, she was so excited, and unusually independent when we left. She was nervous when we first arrived, but warmed up to the setting and her counselors. It's an amazing camp. It's for children who have or have had cancer and other medical issues that requires medical care, and a very supportive and accepting setting. This week there is a 1 to 1 ratio of campers to counsellors. The counselors are all college students, juniors or seniors, with an interest in education, pshycology, or another associated area. It's fully staffed medically as well. One of our doctors is actually on the "team" there for part of the summer, so we had a familiar face too.

We arrived at noon, checked her in, she got this great backpack filled with all sorts of goodies, she was so excited. We got her all set up in her cabin, she shares it with 2 other campers, and 3 counselors. She picked a top bunk, so that was fun to get her bed made, I felt like I was making my bed back in college with the "loft" bed I had back then to give me more space, and it was nearly as rickety too, but sturdy enough for her:)

Her counselors assured me they'd make sure she does fine, and gets the most out of the experience. I told them she's not the most "organized", I think they got it.

So she'll swim several times a day, horseback ride several times a day, they have crafts, activities, themed days, today she's dressing as a pirate for the day! I sent her an email letting her know I was so happy for her and that I was certain she was having a great time. Told her I loved her AGAIN of course. I miss her, but I'm so pleased she made this step, she really wanted to do it. She was nervous about all sorts of things, but I think she's going to do GREAT.

The house was quiet yesterday at night. Green Bean, (who usually spends his evenings bickering with Loud Girl just out of habit) said he missed her and that he'd like to go to sleepaway camp too....NEXT YEAR, not yet:) Thank goodness, I'm not ready for that.

He is going to the beach with a friend and the friends family. They leave on Wednesday for the coast of North Carolina, for a week, maybe 2 if he doesn't miss us TOO much. This is his very best friend, they've been best buds since they were 4, so in Green Bean time, that's nearly half his life, a very long time. His friend T's grandparents live on the beach down there full time, they retired there, so they have this great big house and always ask the family to come for long stretches over the summer and during the year. This year she invited Green Bean too! He's just tickled about it and wants me to finish packing him NOW, just in case they leave early you know, people always leave early for vacations right? Last night he crawled into bed with me, and we read a book, and he whispered, "momma, I'm gonna miss you, I'll be ok right?" But of course my dear, it's Mommy that'll be a wreck, you'll have so much fun you'll not worry about me I thought. I told him he'd have a blast, and not to worry. He replies, "You'll be ok too?" Is he just too sweet to me or what? I shook my head and said yes, I'd miss him, but that I'd be busy packing and getting stuff done and playing with the baby, etc. He said he'd miss me most at bedtime, since I wouldn't be tucking him in. I assured him again that T's mom would certainly tuck him in, she's a great mommy and he said, "Yep, and she smells good too, just like you, like a mom."

So to all the moms out there, and to those who fill in as moms to all our kids, rest well tonight knowing that you do a great job and YOU SMELL GOOD TOO!

Lots of love,

Lil'sis

whether or not I'm really involved with that forward motion is another story all together, and I can say with authority that lately, I've not been onboard...I'm trying to get onboard, but keep getting distracted with the intimate details of my little world...damn all the things I'm probably missing being all distracted, probably some lovely views from the viewing deck and certainly some great margarita's at happy hour!

In all seriousness, things are going just fine, just fast. Today is the last day of school for the kids, camps start next week, Izzy will be starting a "day care" program, we're buying a new house this coming week, we're finding it this weekend*fingers crossed*...it's all so very exciting?

With summer comes lots of fun, playing at the pool, baseball, baseball, and playing at the pool...with the bi-weekly trips to the barn so Loud Girl can ride the horses....I do love summer time.

This summer I'm wishing for my family good mental and physical health and a few margarita's too! I wish the same for each of you as well!

Lots of love,
Lil'sis

Relay went well, we're recovered...glad it's over for now, planning will start in the fall so I have the summer to recharge! Thank you to the well wishers, it was more work than I thought, but it turned out well.

I read a funny post today over at Half Mama, and I don't know how to put the link in b/c I'm just not savvy with that, but suffice she's so funny, I love to read her and she shared how her young daughter was cleaning with a panty liner...so I just had to share the following about my youngest Izzy, 18 months old now.

She's taken a liking to playing with tampons, out of the box of course, loves to unwrap them, take them apart and walk around with them in her mouth like it's a cigar with a string on the end....?!?!?!? I have no idea, but if there's one in my purse while where at the ball field for practice or one of the kids games, she finds it and before I know what's going on she's getting lots of laughter from the onlookers...she looks like this tough little baby, strutting around like a long shore man, just plodding all over with her "cigar"...she also likes to grab a couple and bring them in the tub because when they expand, you know HOW COOL IS THAT!

She's my first child of the 3 to show any interest in this paraphanalia. Who knows what or if it means anything...any thoughts?


The school year is winding down here, just a week and a half to go till Em and Greenie are out for the summer...we've got some camps and stuff planned, lots of swimming, baseball, and horseback riding to be sure...G loves his baseball, his spring team is wrapping up, 2 games left, he'd like to do summer ball and then fall ball...did I mention he loves baseball. We're originally from NY, as I've shared before, growing up we went to Yankee games, so hate me if you must but I'll always be a Yankee fan...in July we're taking G and my nephew Pat and 2 other boys G plays ball with to an Orioles/Yankee game since it's pretty close and its the Yankees of course! I'm looking forward to that weekend, I'm a bit nervous about 4 boys for a weekend in Baltimore but hopefully I'll survive. I need to ask OTR girl for some Baltimore tips, things to make sure we do, places we must eat, etc..if anyone else has some Baltimore suggestions pass them along!

Hope you each are well!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

My annual Relay for Life post.

If you don't know Relay for Life, just google it, go to the American Cancer Society website, check it out...they're all over the world, so chances are there's an event in your area on an annual basis.

You all know why I Relay, for my daugther Emily, my husband, my dad. It's a personal thing, and some folks are ok doing it, others aren't comfortable with the setting, that's ok by me...we all deal with things differently. I choose to do Relay. For me it works, I know I make a difference with my action of taking part and I need that.

This year I'm co-chairing the event, that's right the entire event. It's more work than I thought, more rewarding than I imagined and so very very time consuming over the past month it's CRAZY. I owe calls to old friends, cards to folks, a care package that I started and haven't finished to a fellow blogger buddy who could probably really use it, IT'S STILL COMING I'm sorry I stink at follow through right now if it's not RELAY.

I remembered to eat today, good times. A yummy wrap, good for me too.

I think I may be too tired to cry this year, maybe not, I always get the sniffles at luminary, all those lights, the silence, all the people. It can be very overwhelming for me.

We may set a fundraising record, to date where about $100K ahead of where we were last year at this point, fingers crossed.

I have to give a speech this year, ugh, I hope it's ok, I hope I can inspire, I HOPE.

I have to add some new Luminaries to my list this year, sadly more "in memory" of and a few more "in honor" of ones.

If cancer has never touched you in anyway yet through your own experience, as a caregiver, or a friend of someone who's had it...you are so very blessed. If it has touched you in some way, and I imagine that's more the case for folks than not, you know it sucks, it's brutal, it hurts....and for me it was a blessing too. It put me contact with a community of people I wouldn't have known otherwise, other moms who are now my life long friends, other children who went through similar experiences...I wouldn't have chosen this "clan" but you get what you get and they are good people.

If I ever write a book I want it to be funny, not sad, lots of laughter. I live the same way, I want the laughter, I'll deal with the sad, but I will keep moving on, and carry the laughter and the smiles, and the love, I chose to not carry the hurt, the sadness and the remembrance of pain all the time. The memory is there, but it doesn't define me like the laughter does.

I HOPE for a Cure, I Relay for ME.

Lots of love to each of you,

Lil'sis

My oldest child, Emily, AKA Loud Girl, turned 9 this past weekend...we had a good weekend, busy, but fun. She's fabulous I tell you what, this kid really is a gem...even when I get overwhelmed and angry at some insane behavior that just comes with the territory, she's still amazing. Some days she's my lesson in patience, other days she's my lesson in kindness, she's a real giver, wants to make others happy.

We'll have her horseback riding party this coming weekend, and it should be loads of fun.

I'm so very grateful to have her here with me, that she's well, cancer-free, happy, bright eyed, loving, and sassy!

We're hoping to send her to sleep-away camp this summer, she is so excited about it, much more than I am, but I'm trying to be really positive and supportive of it, it just seems like such a long time and I'll miss her honestly, more than I can express, not sure I'm ready to let go like that yet, but when are you ever ready?

I've hovered with her, always there watching waiting worrying...I've been very protective of her, more than I probably should have been...and I'm sure I'll always worry that's what parents do right, but I hope I can relax enough to just let her spread her wings and experience all that life has to offer her.

Good luck to each of us in this adventure we call parenthood! I hope all of you bloggy friends are doing ok, getting by, smiling!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

I'm so very sad for my friends Snickollet and OTR girl...the words seem hollow, almost pointless, but I wanted to say something.

I'm sorry for their losses in very different ways. For Snick, I hope and wish for her and her family that the very tough days she's anticipating down the road after her mother leaves don't break her spirit. She is a good soul, a wonderful woman, mother, wife....I am lighting candles for her and GH and the kids.

For OTRgirl, the passing of her grandmother too is very sad, I'm glad her pain as GH's has ended, I'm confident the place they are at now is bringing them relief from the physical pains and showing them great joy as well.

My internet/bloggy friends are talented women, strong women, beautiful souls. I'm lighting candles for them both and for their loved ones.

I'm lighting candles as well today for the lives of the students lost at my alma mater, Virginia Tech. It was with much sadness that I read of what unfolded there today, in the building I once lived. I thought of the young people that I know of today who attend this great school, and I worried for them and thier parents.

Many days I find myself praying to give thanks for all of my blessings and that of my families as well. Today I am praying for all of the above. Praying for a bit of peace for these friends of mine, for the children, for the families. I'm grateful for having that, the ability to pray and have faith in something greater than this life, this very transient existence. I'm praying too that I keep my faith, for all of them as well as for me.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

I haven't posted in weeks! Geesh, it feels like days, but the reality is weeks I guess.

So hubby did go to the hospital, a nice short visit. They don't really know what is wrong with him, one ventricle is not working as it should, but it's working. They think it could be a toxic reaction to one of the meds they started, so he's off of that, and on a different one, but could take 6 weeks or so to get it out of his system fully (damn I wish advil worked that long, it would save me so much money!) and then we'll see if the heart issue goes away. He's still not moving fluid well, but his kidneys and liver both look good. They'd like to send him to this new specialist for his lungs, still waiting to hear about that.

In the interim, no one has reoccurred with the flu. One bout of stomach bug with the baby, Loud Girl and Green Bean have been fine, emotionally taxed I'm sure, but good kids. Little Bean just seems to catch all the colds or bugs that fly around. I think it's b/c she doesn't go to any type of daycare on a regular basis, a sitter now and then, but that's really it. Don't get me wrong, I love that she's home for the most part with Daddy, but when our older kids were this age they were in daycare and they built up that immunity...tradeoffs, she's a tough cookie, and oh so very happy. She's got her 2 top teeth coming in this week finally and she's been a bit cranky. She has her 2 bottom, so this will make 4, she's 16 months old this month. I know, not a lot of teeth, but Green Bean was just getting his FIRST tooth at this age, late teeth bloomer, Loud Girl had a mouth full by this age.

Speaking of teeth, Green Bean, who is now officially "7 and a half" just lost his first tooth this week, again late bloomer for that but the dentist said it's fine. Two nights ago he comes in to the nursery while I'm getting the baby to bed, "Momma, that bottom tooth is wiggly now, really wiggly, I'm going to try and pull it a little" he was so excited, I just nodded ok, he walks out only to walk back in 30 seconds later, "MOMMA, IT'S OUT, IT'S OUT, I HAVE FINALLY LOST A TOOTH!!!!" He was so proud. Adorable, he had to plan how to put it in the little box under his pillow, he wrote a note to the tooth fairy too, (yes, my children believe and for now that's ok with me) it said. "Dear Toothfairy, Here's my first tooth that I lost, FINALLY. I'd really like to keep it, but if you could leave me something too that would be great. Nice to finally meet you! Love, Green Bean"

She did come and left him $2 in quarters, he was thrilled, and the tooth was still there in the little box, only it was split perfectly in half, front and back halves, I'd never seen that before, GB said the fairy must have done it to prove to him she was there, her little bit of magic I guess.

I have found a counselor for me, I like her so far, only been once. It's a nice venue really, paying someone to let you gab for an hour, no interruptions. I never thought I had a lot going on, I'm somewhat over committed to be sure, but I like that. I have a hard time saying no if someone asks for help, but don't we all. Who knows I may just learn something about myself that I didn't know yet.

All in all, I think my husband is doing ok...I worry about him, but we have to keep on living, moving forward, etc. I want him to be well so badly, to feel comfortable and able to do all the things we enjoy doing together as a family and a couple. The frustration of it all is the hardest part, doable but frustrating. I feel like I'm not very good at it, I don't really want to get good at managing it all, I'd like for him to feel better and have our life back to what we consider normal. That's just a lot to ask right now, but one can always hope:)

On my WW I'm still doing well, still losing, getting closer to the goal, slow and steady.

I ran my first 8k this past weekend, it was good, tiring, wonderful, I felt accomplished when I finished in under the time I had set for myself. With my post respiratory flu lungs, I wanted to cough one up on the sidewalk when I was done, but hey, you can get by on one lung right.

So the next running event for me is the 10-miler at the end of March, I'm not thinking it's going to be a great success, but I'm back to training now, so with a little luck I won't drop to the ground at mile 8 and maybe I'll actually finish?

I have lots of things I want to post about, just need to find the time, which lately is scarce....motherhood is a biggie lately or always really, family dynamics (I probably won't post on this, b/c I feel like it's not the safest venue any longer to do so) Relay for Life, it's moving along, more work being the lead on it than I thought, the kids want a pet, we're still working to get the house ready to put on the market and I don't know if we should at this point, fitness, food issues, discipline, money management...I'll tell my sisters about things that happen during a given day at work or with the kids, and they'll say, "oh, lil'sis that is so bloggable" but I never remember to do it....the list goes on and on right. I'll get to it someday.

I've been thinking of shutting down this blog for a variety of reasons, I don't know yet. I do love writing on it, but when I just can't find the time it gets added to the list of things I'm not doing a good job on and I need to work on making that list shorter, either by keeping up with it or by cutting it out until the rest of life falls into place better, but does that ever truly happen? For now I think it'll just not be as frequent, but I do love reading so very many of you that I've met here in blog land and I'll continue to do that.

We're taking a trip for spring break to Disney World with the kids. First time on a plane for the children, first real travel for the baby, if anyone has flying tips pass them along PLEASE. It's a short flight, only an hour and a half or so, non-stop, so hopefully not too terrible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they each remain healthy for the trip. Also, any Disney tips are welcome too, we've taken them plenty of places, but nothing this commercial is I guess the word I'm looking for. I don't know how many "educational moments" I'm going to encounter, I guess the history of Disney and Epcot will offer a lot, but this is purely about all out fun, I'm sure we'll encounter many examples of capitalism at it's worst, I'm hoping for the best in all aspects of the trip. I think we'll have a ton of fun if I can just remember to do that and not over analyze or plan too much. I think I can, I think I can....

All the best to each of you!

Not much time today....

Billy Joel was amazing, a wonderful concert, if he's in your neck of the woods anytime soon I'd recommend you go, one of the best shows I've seen and I've seen a lot over the years, but truly a great time with my sisters and mom.

I have the flu now, yeah, this is so much fun, hopefully the Tamiflu I've been on for a week will really help shorten it, but I feel like crap. My boss is a doll though, I'm leaving early today for my husband's doc appt. and he said to just go home and rest...thank you so very much. The prospect of getting a little nap before the kids get home from school is just a gift.

Not much change with the husband. Saturday was our 11th wedding anniversary. I can tell you that traditionally bad things happen on our anniversary, it's not been a lucky day for us since we wed, but we still try and celebrate it in little ways. Though the day started out rough, it ended ok, I think if we were both feeling better it could have been a charmed day to be sure. He bought me flowers and cards and made me some homemade lobster bisque, lots of lobster, but in my flu state I just could barely taste a thing. An A for effort though.

We decided yesterday to both start counselling. I think we'll do our own thing and we can go with eachother if it suits, but alone to start. We did marriage counselling once before and it was helpful, but I think the issues we're having right now, we each need to look at before we come together in counselling on it. There's no lack of love to be sure, but the stress of life, differences with the children and how to parent, are at the forefront. I need more patience on many fronts and I need to be more upfront with what I need and expect. At least that's what I think today:)

I'll let you know how the Dr. appointment goes for him, seeing a cardiologist, my hopes aren't high for a resolution, but I guess it's a start.

Looking foward to March Madness coming UP!!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

That's right, the FLU, the damned flu. Gabe and Izzy have the flu, Emily is holding on to just a cold, but hasn't had what they have thankfully. I've got a touch of the cough and aches, but no fever like the kids. Then there is my husband.....Geesh, I'M DONE.

Hubby is not moving fluid out of his body, gained 30 pounds of fluid in 12 days now, he's a sight to behold let me tell ya. The doctors in their infinite wisdom don't know what the issue is yet. Doing bloodwork for heart and kidney and endocrine possibilities, tests, tests and more tests. In the meantime he's in pain, his arms and legs keep going numb, he's so bloated, short of breath, feels like CRAP on a stick at best. Did I mention that he's home caring for the kids with the flu while I'm at work too. The poor thing, I'm looking for a nanny or sitter to come in but the kids have the FLU and no one wants to be around kids with the FLU DAMMIT.

It could just be meds, changes in meds, combo of things, who the heck knows. I do know that it is so eerily similar to my father's rapid decline in health. The fluid retention, etc. I don't think it's like my Dad at all, but it's just similar in presentation and that just spooks me to no end.

It was 3 years ago this past Sunday the 18th that my Dad died. I miss him so much, words just don't convey or do the feeling justice. I know many of you have been to this place in your own lives, so you know what I'm saying. It just is yucky.

I want to talk to him, I want advice from him, I want to know that I'm strong enough for all of this stuff, being a wife, mother, friend, caregiver, provider. He always gave me confidence, a quality I find myself lacking too often these days. I need to channel that memory and feel capable I guess. Knowing what you need and finding it are two different things though...keep moving forward that's just what I plan on doing, keep moving forward. Say it with me now, KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

On another note, the Relay for Life event that I'm co-chairing this year is doing a wonderful job, the volunteers never cease to amaze me with their spirit and willingness to just keep asking for donations, keep having bake sales, fundraising events, etc. It's a wonderful event to be a part of truly. I know I've said this before, but here goes again, if you've never been to a Relay before, just go to one would ya! You don't have to be on a team, or raise money to attend. Just call your local American Cancer Society, find out when the Relay will be in your area and when, ask for the schedule of events. Go the Opening Ceremony or the Survivor Lap, YOU HAVE TO GO to the Luminary Ceremony. It's a wonderful community based event. It's fun, all the Relays I've been to have tons of activities, games, events, bands, etc. throughout the day. Our event has a Children's Walk portion which is great. You may catch the Relay bug and want to participate in a future event, or you may just want to attend as a spectator and check it out, either way, it's a wonderful experience.

I'm going to see Billy Joel in concert this weekend with my sisters, I know I've mentioned this before too, but I'm real excited about it. Fingers are crossed that my husband will be doing better and able to take care of all the kids for the night, that or I'll see if I can find a sitter or possibly if they are well farm them out on play dates or sleepovers with friends. Not thinking that'll happen, but I can always hope!

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow."-- Orison Marden

Hope you all in bloggy land are well!

Lots of love,
Lil'sis

That was one of the line's in "The Devil Wears Prada" movie that I thought was funny. I liked the book more of course, a quick and funny read, perfect for a bad weather day when I was preganant a long while ago, hubby took the kids out for the day, and me being pukey, stayed in and read this book. It was funny, and I love to read about fashion, though I don't make a statement myself.

Well, today I'm a bit queasy, a touch of the bug that's going through my house and by extension the children's elementary school as well. Just made me think of that line.

I lost this past week, 1.4lbs, so maybe I'm through my plateau, Snickollet gave me some good advice about upping the water and herbal tea too, so I'm trying that this week to see if it helps keep me on track with this. Dear mother didn't have too much to share, I didn't stay for the meeting b/c I wanted to work out and if I didn't go then, wouldn't have been able to that day. It was a good work out too, so I was happy about that. Hubby joined me and we did free weights together after I ran, the kids had fun in the KidZone at the gym, a good evening all around, we had a late supper at Panera Bread, love that place I tell ya, yum.

I was able to attend a charity event dinner on Saturday, my firm sponsored a table, I got to go and my sister, Buddha Girl and our friend Lorna came up for it. It was a lot of fun.

It was for the Make a Wish Foundation, brought back memories for my husband and I. Remembering some of the kids we met during Emily's chemo, kids that took their wish. At the dinner, one of the nurses from the unit spoke, she said that there was this one little boy years ago who just refused to take his wish, they asked several times, asked his parents, to no avail, he didn't want any part of it. When she finally had the opportunity to ask him why, he told her this, "those wishes are for terminal kids, if you take the wish it means you're going to die, and I'm not going to die"...the nurse that spoke said the reason she was so happy about the event is that over the last couple of years, they've made enough funds by fundraising efforts that that fact is no longer true, lots of kids get wishes now, not just terminal children. Extending that has made a lot of difference to the children they serve she said. This made me happy too.

It was a wonderful night, but bittersweet too. Remembering the days of worry, the months of worry about my daughter is hard on my husband and I. It was such a difficult time in retrospect, when we were in it, it was just another day, it was what we did, "small potatos" we'd call it. When I think of it now though, I don't know what made the difference for us, we just stuck together and got through it. It's event's like this past weekend that help me keep my perspective on things.

On a more perky note, it's dreary and freezing rain here today, I think I'll be ducking out of work a bit early to miss the freaks in traffic during the normal commute hours. Maybe sneak in a gym visit if I can too!

By the way, I love my job, have I mentioned that lately, I really really do.

We're hoping to put our house on the market in the next month or so, hubby is diligently working through the "to do list" though not as rapidly as I would have hoped. I like our neighborhood, mostly. I like the children's school, for now. But I won't next year, when they move up to the next grade and closer to middle school *shudder at that thought*, so we're looking at homes closer to my work, and in a better school district, geesh it is scary out there! Wish us luck!

Hope all you bloggy friends are well:)

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Well, I guess I've been too cold to blog lately, more like over committed, again, which is ok. But I'm tired and cold, my toes and nose are cold, and I'm inside....I know stop whining, I'm done.

I'm having a tough time with my Weight Watchers right now, I'm sort of stuck. Plateau? I don't know, I don't think so, I think I'm just mentally stuck.

A few weeks back I was on such a roll, I'd been losing 2 pounds a week on average for several weeks, it was great. I changed nothing really and it just stopped, I'm guessing I need to change things up some more, but mentally I'm having a rough time doing it. See when I was doing so well, my dear mother made some mean comments to me, because she wasn't doing so well I guess. Stuff like, "you can't be eating if you're losing weight like that", instead of maybe, "good job Kirsten, you're doing a lot of hard work and running a lot, congratulations." No, as usual it's all about her, and the thing that really got me is that I don't really even tell her b/c she's always gotten mad, if she doesn't lose, she's just so wrapped up in her drama she doesn't hear other people, "look at my food tracker, do you see a problem...." and on and on and on, people don't want to sit by her b/c she's always ranting on and on and on...you get the picture. But when she does well and loses, let me tell you she gets in your face. So a few weeks ago, I went from losing 2.3 and gained 0.4 in a week, she was weighing in next to me and lost a pound, when she heard that I had gained, she walked up to me and said, and I quote, "ha ha, ha ha ha, I lost and you didn't, HA" With a great big smile and giggle, like it's funny. Now, mind you I never and would never do that to her, there have been plenty of weeks where the reverse is true, but instead of making light of that, I'll say something like, "Well, mom you did swim more, and you said you're feeling really good, next week will be better, just have to stay on track" I don't say, "Mom you really should count all the 'tasting' of little bites of things that you do, eating a bunch of hor de'vours adds up, you need to track that" I don't say, "Ha ha, that's so funny that you gained this week, and I DIDN'T" No, I'm not like that, so how is she my mother?

I love her, don't get me wrong on that one, but I do tire of her self centeredness, how absorbed in her own life she is that seeing beyond that is challenging for her. You honestly cannot get through a conversation with her without her ignoring what you say and talking about herself. A few months ago I was talking with a friend who said this about my mother, and I was skeptical that it happens ALL the time. Since then I've made a concerted effort to really listen to our conversations and see how she responds to my questions about things, and sure enough my friend was correct. Sometimes she doesn't even acknowledge your question, she just talks about herself, or she'll give a quick retort and then steer you back to herself. It truly is amazing I tell you. She's done this so long I don't think she has any idea she does it. It's just who she is.

So if anyone out there has any diet tips for staying on track or WW tips for staying in the game mentally so to speak pass them on, give a girl a little help on this one:) If anyone has advice on how to love your mom but not feel like you need her and need to please her all the time, pass that along as well, but be gentle, when it comes to her I have a tough time, I just can't be mean to her.

Hope all you bloggy friends are well. I love reading each of you, about your families, your kids, your lovers, your daily stuff, parenting, working, all of it. I talk about some of you in conversation as if I know you, "oh, I have this friend who lives in .....and she/he ....when my husband asks me who I'm talking about and I say, "oh one of the bloggers I read" he just smiles at me. So thanks for reading, but more importantly thanks for writing, I'm learning a lot about myself and the world I live in, how I'd like it to be, how I want to contribute to making it a better place by reading you all.

Take Care,
Kirsten

Thanks for the birthday wishes and kind words. Life has been so very kind to me and I'm trying to enjoy it without all the worry.

We've had some winter weather and I love how pretty it looks, but I hate driving in ice and snow, I truly white knuckle the wheel and try not to cry as I swerve all over. I wrecked when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter in weather like that and to this day it really scares me, I should not drive in this weather I am a nervous wreck of a danger to myself and all those around me. I'm looking into buying a home within walking distance to work just for this reason, honestly. I don't know that we'll find something habitable and affordable, so maybe we'll get very good at being "handy" around the house, or we'll just set our expectations for "quality of living arrangements" much much lower.

On that note, I'm off for my drive home, wish me luck...and if anyone else is driving near me, say a prayer, I don't want to hit or hurt anyone out there, but I'm such a nervous nellie about it, the level of how pathetic I am behind the wheel in this weather is lower than guttersnipe!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

to say the least that's what it's been like since the new year began.

I just haven't felt like I've had much to share with the blog lately, not much of interest, just the regular day to day usual stuff...busy busy busy.

I did have a birthday this week, I turned 34, and it didn't bother me. Actually got me thinking, I was talking with a friend and said that I felt better today than I did in my 20's and she thought I was joking. I really do. I'm in much better shape, physically, mentally, financially. She replied, "ok so not after you got of college, but your later 20's, before you had kids"

Nope, not then either. I had my oldest child, Emily, when I was 25, Gabriel I had a year and a half later, I was 26. Ages 27-30 were spent in a job I hated, scraping by and shuttling my very ill children to and from doctors and specialists, hospital bills and lots of ramen noodles for me and my hubby.

Then I left my horrible hell of a job, we bought a new house, the kids got healthy so to speak...things got so much better. The death of my father and my husband being sick have been the big events of my 30's, then I had Isabel and things since her birth have just made my life so full, so very blessed. I have the BEST job in the world, I volunteer with organizations that I feel truly make a difference, I have faith in so many things that I didn't in my 20's.

Somedays I feel like this foolish optimistic blabber mouth. Over involved in things and irritating to others with my perkiness.

Somedays I feel so tired, stressed and full of worry that I think I should be medicated.

Then there are the days where I'm just going through the motions, a read a blog about this recently, she was asking if there are truly intelligent people out there who are content?

I don't really know. All the moms I know put on the good face, but we all have our issues, right? the things we struggle with, the calendar that fills up and we have a hard time managing, the shuttling from event to event, playdates, school functions, birthday parties, organizing and then taking care of the house and family. It adds up on each of us.

I'm still working on what I said at new year's, being kinder to others and kinder to myself.

For today, I'm feeling good, but that nagging feeling that stays with me, "when's it going to get bad?" is still there in the back of my mind. Things are just going too well to stay that way right? The second I actually think that though I worry that saying it is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that if it wasn't going to get bad before that thought, now that I've verbalized it, things really will, the "waiting for the next shoe to drop" feeling I call it.

I like being busy and having things to do, places to go, things to finish up. I like that, I would just like to shake that feeling of, enjoy it now sister because it's all gonna end really soon. Live in the moment more, maybe that's what I need to try. Enjoy this second right now. I'll try that too.

With the holidays and all that they entail, I had to take a blog break, it was just too much to write for me. I did keep reading when I had moments, but I just didn't have this wonderful little block of time to actually do a post of my own, (and the one time I did blogger wouldn't or couldn't post, ain't that just a kick in the pants). So thankfully, I do today.

Christmas was wonderful. I had a great time with my husband and kids, and then with my family too. We had my husbands family over on the 23rd for dinner and good thing we did, we're getting dinner and hors de'vors prepped and I notice his right leg is swollen at the calf. I ask him about it and he says, "that must be why it's burning and achy" HELLO HUSBAND!!!! You have blod clotting problems remember...so his sister and her family arrives and I whisk him off to the hospital, turns out to be a spider bite of some sort?!? Must be all that work out in the woodpile he's been doing lately. Home to dinner and happy times with his sister and family. Overall, it turned out well, she did all the cooking for us in our absence and the kids loved having time with their Aunt, Uncle, and cousin without us around.

On Christmas Eve we had mass at church, it was so nice, it was the "children's mass" and prior to the service starting different parish children who play instruments each did solos of different seasonal hymns. It was so nice, these little beaming faces on the piano, and one girl on a bassoon, she was funny, one of the priests saw her coming up the stairs outside and said, "Oh, I didn't know we had an Oboe too?" and she looked at him in horror and said, "It's a bassoon! Not an oboe, they look totally different!" That she said it that way to the priest just made me laugh. After mass my mother and her husband came back to our place for dinner, it was good. They had fun, the kids enjoyed the time and I have to say I did too. My mom was fun and easygoing, which isn't usually the case when her husband is with her. I don't know that it's a permanent change, but I was glad for it.

Christmas morning was fun with my family. The kids really enjoyed the gifts with the baby ( I keep saying baby and I know she just turned 1, but she's still the baby ok) Izzy opened up everyone else's gifts, she liked the unwrapping more than the gifts. When we were done we were off to my sister's house, (Wine Girl), she lives a few hours away and this was the first time she was hosting a holiday at her home.

Well, she and her husband were amazing. All the prep for food was done, they had it all timed and what needed to be cooked when, really a true schedule and it worked out great. All the recipies used were from Cooking Light, which I love and subscribe to and encourage everyone else to as well. So all afternoon you here, "Where's the magazine?" when different dishes were being finished or worked on, I loved it. We had wine and lots of it, we played a drinking game of sorts, WineGirl, me and my mom. When different phrases were said we had to drink. We drank a LOT. Not to much that we were sick or don't remember things, or didn't enjoy the day, but we or I should say I drank more than I normally or usually do. I had a blast with everyone. Buddha Girl and her family were their, I love them so dearly and see them less often than I'd like. I was so happy that her HG could be there with us, even if my mom's husband was there too and that made it a little tense, he really did well I think.

After much rumination on this I've come to the conclusion that my mom's husband is just so introverted that functions with people are actually painful for him I think. More than just a couple of people and he is truly overwhelmed.

The kids had such a wonderful time playing with their cousins and hanging out together. Sleepovers are always high on their list of things they want to do. When we left on the 26th, we waited till after dinner and baths hoping they'd sleep for the ride. Well Gabe was asleep before we hit the interstate and he stayed asleep till we woke him to get him in the house. Emily slept too, but she lasted about 40 minutes into the ride before she was snoring. Izzy, well, she slept on and off, we just turned her carseat around and it's more sitting up than reclining like her old seat was, so she's not liking the sleeping sitting up thing, but she did for the most part sleep. It was a great ride, hubby and I talked and laughed and joked.

New Year's Eve weekend was a different animal all together. This past Friday, Izzy starts with a stomach bug, vomit, vomit, and more vomit. Saturday, Dad starts with it, Sunday Gabe and Emmy start with it. I'm living on my Zofran and Fenergan left over from my pregnancy so that one of us is upright and able to clean the kids up. We're out of pajamas, towels, blankets and sheets, I have so much laundry to do and it's hard catching up, oh yeah, and I'm back to work! Once the nausea passes I'll be ok, I've got lots of stuff at home to mend the masses from the pukes and the potty runs, I've applied more Beadreau's Butt Paste in the past 72 hours than I thought possible.

I'm ready for a nap and a vacation, puke free preferably.

So Happy New Year to you all, I do hope that 2007 brings great things for each of you. We'll all have our share of challenges to be sure, some good, some not, but I hope that we all make it to next year at this time and can look at '07 and smile a bit.

Lots of love,
lil'sis