nothing to say
I have nothing to say...i'm down, I have that to say. I feel a bit lost, a bit adrift and I'm looking for a nice friendly shore to park my butt on for a while. I'm chock full of anxiety and worry lately, and I find my only real outlet is running, which is great, reading, if I only had the time on a regular basis, and feeling indifferent, which is just terrible.
It's been a long hot summer, kids go back to school in a couple of weeks, baby is loving her "school"/daycare...love my new neighborhood and the people, an amazing change from our last neighborhood where people didn't share time or talk much. There are these wonderful running/walking trails which have done wonders for my race training.
And shhh, if you could all keep a secret for me, my boss, who is a huge runner/marathoner, would like to sponsor me for the NYC Marathon in 2008, sounds great, until I remind myself that it's 26.2 friggin miles, and the 10-miler I did this past spring was great, but kicked my ASS, but great b/c I finished.
We'll have to see how it all goes, but I thought it was a lovely gesture that he thought 1. I could do it, 2. I'd like it, and 3. I was worth it.
I don't feel all that "worth it" lately. My marriage is difficult at best lately, of course I'm hesitant about the kids starting at thier new school, I've fielded more, "will I make friends, will I like it, will I get lost there" questions than you can count. With their dad's recent personal turmoil in the form of depression, and severe lack of motivation, they've both (the older 2) gotten a new level of anxious when they're at home than I've ever seen before, they worry about him, and I talk to them, I reassure, we discuss as best we can, but it's still there, and it sucks and I can't fix it AT ALL really.
I have to thank my sisters, Buddha Girl and Wine Girl, Amy and Kathy, so very much for their support and encouragement, and willingness to help me out. They have the 2 older kids for this week, at the beach with their own families, while me and baby and the husband are at home doing what we do. I couldn't take the time off but they were so wonderful to include my kids in their vacation together. The time alone it gives me with the baby one on one is very nice too:)
So ladies, thank you, you are wonderful and inspirational to me.
I feel frustrated, like tending to my family and taking care of my marriage are in 2 different directions and that I can't do both well when that's how it is. My family comes first, my children come first. I don't have a choice about working, it must happen for us to eat and live. But then there is very little nurture and energy left for my marriage. We've never had a lack of love, it's all the other stuff that makes us getting along difficult. What feels worse lately is the level of indifference I feel about it, I'd rather be upset/angry/passionate in some way than feel indifferent. He is a good man, a wonderful father and he's always been nothing but loving and caring and generous with me...we both deserve better than what we've got today...I'm hoping it's just a tough time for us right now and that we'll come out the other end of this together.
I don't really feel all that secure saying all this here now either since I know one of his sisters likes to check on my bloggy and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to blog, someone might find me out or steal my identity, or stalk us she fears I guess, but I need to get it all out, I've either absent or so very vanilla in my posts for too long b/c of that worry and I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
Lots of love to you all!
-Lil'sis
It's been a long hot summer, kids go back to school in a couple of weeks, baby is loving her "school"/daycare...love my new neighborhood and the people, an amazing change from our last neighborhood where people didn't share time or talk much. There are these wonderful running/walking trails which have done wonders for my race training.
And shhh, if you could all keep a secret for me, my boss, who is a huge runner/marathoner, would like to sponsor me for the NYC Marathon in 2008, sounds great, until I remind myself that it's 26.2 friggin miles, and the 10-miler I did this past spring was great, but kicked my ASS, but great b/c I finished.
We'll have to see how it all goes, but I thought it was a lovely gesture that he thought 1. I could do it, 2. I'd like it, and 3. I was worth it.
I don't feel all that "worth it" lately. My marriage is difficult at best lately, of course I'm hesitant about the kids starting at thier new school, I've fielded more, "will I make friends, will I like it, will I get lost there" questions than you can count. With their dad's recent personal turmoil in the form of depression, and severe lack of motivation, they've both (the older 2) gotten a new level of anxious when they're at home than I've ever seen before, they worry about him, and I talk to them, I reassure, we discuss as best we can, but it's still there, and it sucks and I can't fix it AT ALL really.
I have to thank my sisters, Buddha Girl and Wine Girl, Amy and Kathy, so very much for their support and encouragement, and willingness to help me out. They have the 2 older kids for this week, at the beach with their own families, while me and baby and the husband are at home doing what we do. I couldn't take the time off but they were so wonderful to include my kids in their vacation together. The time alone it gives me with the baby one on one is very nice too:)
So ladies, thank you, you are wonderful and inspirational to me.
I feel frustrated, like tending to my family and taking care of my marriage are in 2 different directions and that I can't do both well when that's how it is. My family comes first, my children come first. I don't have a choice about working, it must happen for us to eat and live. But then there is very little nurture and energy left for my marriage. We've never had a lack of love, it's all the other stuff that makes us getting along difficult. What feels worse lately is the level of indifference I feel about it, I'd rather be upset/angry/passionate in some way than feel indifferent. He is a good man, a wonderful father and he's always been nothing but loving and caring and generous with me...we both deserve better than what we've got today...I'm hoping it's just a tough time for us right now and that we'll come out the other end of this together.
I don't really feel all that secure saying all this here now either since I know one of his sisters likes to check on my bloggy and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to blog, someone might find me out or steal my identity, or stalk us she fears I guess, but I need to get it all out, I've either absent or so very vanilla in my posts for too long b/c of that worry and I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
Lots of love to you all!
-Lil'sis
I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are in a bad place right now. Are you doing marriage counseling?
My husband has suffered from depression at times. It's hard when your partner is depressed because it affects everything, but there is really nothing you can do to change it.
I'm impressed that you can run ten miles, let alone a marathon. So cool that your boss offered to sponsor you.
oh lil sis.
i ache for you. been there done that - got the t-shirt.
and don't sweat what you write here - sometimes it's best outlet possible. my sister in law told me recently i should be ashamed of some of the stuff i write on my blog. i subscribe to the Howard Stern school of thought on this topic - if you don't like what i write - don't read it.
i am sure your SIL's concerns are sincere - but you do what you gotta do for you. period.
keep running - if nothing else, it is a HUGELY healthy outlet for you - mentally and physically.
depression is a bear. and you can't save him. i know both of these things from extremely personal experience - but you already know that.
email me if you want to talk.
((((HUGS)))))
tcole
Hey, Friend,
Wish I could give you a hug, and make more time in your day for you and your husband to get to devote to just the two of you.
I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I'd love to be able to take a run with you (although I'm only going three miles at a time lately!)
Keep writing. It's great to hear from you, although I wish things were better for you.
XO
-snickollet
I hear you loud and clear. My husband has been depressed most of our marriage. He reads my blog and gets REALLY upset if I write about that sort of thing. I did one entry on a private blog about dealing with a depressed husband, but couldn't sustain the energy to just focus on that.
We've been doing marriage counseling for 3.5 years now. In Baltimore it was great. Our counselor was a wonderful fit. But here in Cali we ended up with a guy who wants to 'fix' Jrex rather than train us to hear/talk to each other. It's been a huge thing I've been thinking about, and so I can't think of anything worthwhile to post cause everything else seems shallow. So, yeah, I end up with shallow/boring/vanilla posts.
I know how hard it is to just navigate life with two people when one is depressed. The pain of feeling divided between your spouse's needs and your children's sounds SO hard. I'm sorry.
You know how I feel about all of this and what road I think will likely help you through this. I don't need to go into it here.
Just know that being your big sister is always a blessing. Anything I can do - call and I'll be there. Tonight, Jess asked if I was going out of town when I spoke with her about the latest developments. She knows how you, Kath, and I are with each other.
As for the SIL...I'm not holding back on this one:
If she wants to read your shit, she can damn well keep her mouth shut. If she doesn't like what you write - too damned bad. It's not her blog, you don't write about HER, and if honesty is so fucking scary for her, she should find a rock and crawl under it. Pronto. Got that?
PS
You looked so hottie hot in your little running outfit the other day. I wish I could shimmy into one of those, sister!!
oh, sweetie, i'm so sorry. you've had more than your fair share of struggles.
sending positive thoughts your way...
(and can we sponsor you in the marathon, too? i'd love to!!)
Sending up prayers for Izzy.
Let us know ASAP how she's doing and how you are holding up.
You and I should start a contest -
Who Has More Drama In Their Family Life?
sad, funny and true
LOVE YOU!
tc
My hubby and I are having similar issues. I've told him I hope it's just a "rough spell" because I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this.
Like yours, mine is a great Dad and a really nice guy, it's just that every. thing. he. does gets on my last nerve. Even when he is trying to be nice. But my son loves him sooo much, I can't imagine splitting them up.
Hopefully both of our situations will improve. Just know you aren't the only one....
Oh, yeah. I just LOVE your sis, Buddha Girl!!! I wish I had such a great sister. Wanna trade?