Lipstick Cover-Up

Ok, so Fear, what does it mean to each of us, something a bit different I'm sure, but for every parent at the top of fear inducing situations is losing a child, not knowing where your child is, who has them, the horrible things that could happen if your child gets snatched...well yesterday I had 30 minutes of unadulterated FEAR. My son, who is 6, GreenBean, well he was lost...he was supposed to be at after school with his sister Doodlegirl who is 7, but when I arrive to get THEM, his group teacher says with a smile, "I don't have GreenBean today:)" "WHAT? WHERE IS GB?" i say, ??????, you could see her mind working, I could almost see a little bubble appear above her head with the caption, "Oh Crap, did I lose a kid!!!???!!!" She was stricken I tell you, well the hunt began, we finally decipher that he went home on the bus, the last place he was seen was getting on the "busline", My little Doodle, well she has some anxiety issues already, so she was on the edge now, "WHERE IS GB!?!?!MOMMA?" I've got folks calling transportation, I'm on the horn to my neighbors to see if he's gotten off the bus and come to her house where my other child, Little Bean, 3 months old is going for a few days till hubby comes home, well, no luck, but she's sending her daughter, my sometime babysitter, such a nice girl, senior in high school, to go to other neighbors to look for him....I head to the car and go flying home and call GB's teacher, she is shocked too, WHAT!!! She says she's coming over to help me, she is one of the very few peeps outside of family that I've told the truth too about where hubby is and that was very hard, she is a wonderful woman, whom I trust and respect a great deal,,,,,Neighbor girl calls my cell, GB is not in the house, but the door is open wide and his backpack is lying on the front stoop!!!! Blood pressure rising, fear is high, I fly in the driveway and see neighbor girl asking folks, and my one neighbor, we'll call him GN, for gay nurse, is a stay at home dad of 2 girls, well I say, hey GN is GB there? No he says but I saw a MAN pick him up after he got off the bus,,,,WTF!!! then he says, the man had 2 other kids with him oh and it wasn't a car, they were on bicycles, I go in the house and check my machine, sure enough it's Hank from up the block, he's got a little guy Will who is a buddy of GB, well they happened to come by about 20 minutes after the bus dropped off to see if Greenie wanted to ride bikes with them, and when he saw GB weepy and found out no parental units home, he invited him over to play till we got home. THANK YOU LORD! Apparently this exact scenario has happened to Hank with his little guy a couple of months ago in the RAIN, luckily they have a stay at home mom accross the street who noticed and took Will in. I'm now furious at the bus driver, but it'll all work out, I must harbor a good bit of the blame I should have made sure all parties knew what was happening and not relied on the school office to pass along the info, which I've come to find they MISUNDERSTOOD, they thought afterschool was for last week only, not this week as well.

Last night I tell him what a scare I had from all of this, he said he was sorry he forgot where he was supposed to be, he misses his daddy and just wanted to come home. All is good, I hope my child is not scarred with abandonment issues for life, he's a good bean truly, the reason he's called green bean is b/c when he was just over 2 years old, I was plating up dinner, we were having some green beans, well before I put a big old heap on his plate he held up his hand as if to say "STOP", I looked at him he says, "No thanks momma, I'm cuttin' back on the greens", I say, No GB you're cutting back on the chocolate and chippies, "no I decided to cut back on the greens, we have them every day and that's too much you said" see a good bean, and too darn funny for words.

Other things I fear: violent crimes against my family, losing my mind, lonliness when I'm very old, drowning, being stuck in coach for a long flight between sick smelly people, HELL, cockroaches....those are the biggies I guess, hope no one reading this has to deal with FEAR today.

Well I have 2 little girls and a boy to thank heavens for, but I'm just feeling thankful all around today....this was my first weekend in a very long time without my husband, who is a stay at home dad, retired, and loves his family...he's going through some things right now that have caused him to be away for a week or so, and I was flying solo...it ain't easy let me tell you as evidenced in my previous post, however I am learning a lot about myself:

- I am resilient, more than I thought
- I love my children with every ounce of my person, it is overwhelming at times, and they know when I need them to be on board with me, and they have been, good kids!
- My sisters, this includes My bestest friend M, are my rock and foundation...at all times, not just the tough ones.
- I can do anything I set my mind too; this is important, sounds so trite, you hear it all the time, but the fact is that it is so true, some time the setting of the mind so to speak is done for you in that you have no choice, but knowing I can do it, knowing I can find the strength and energy at times is a big upper for me, and that's without medication even:)
- With the passing of my father, a part of me just sort of froze, my heart felt broken, my soul somewhat adrift at times; those of you who knew him or of him know what a spirit he had, the foundation he gave me and my sisters, truly inspiring. I've felt him with me this past week more than ever...I can hear him say things to me that he said in years past, the echo of which has helped me tremendously, focus on the positive, find a silver lining, take small steps, believe, breathe, hope without reason, trust others, ask for help, these are all hard to do and he makes it easy - possible. I see him in my children, my sisters, and even me. I think I'm thawing out a bit, I feel a bit more free.

Harmony to be restored soon I think as much as a home with 3 kids can have at least, the messy disorganized harmony I so love!

I think I need someone to take the wheel of my life for a bit, I'll keep doing all the nitty gritty work, just need someone else to do the real driving, I need an auto pilot button or something right now, sanity and harmony are hard to be found, I will continue to diligently seek them out but they are being evasive! My dear husband is away for a week or so, gone, out of contact, that's it, no hello how are ya, just out of reach, it is what it is and we are where we are nothing to change that, but whew, it sucks!

To all those single parents, managing, getting by, BLESS YOU, each and every one of you. You should always be able to go to the front of the line, bypass traffic jams and have a free housekeeper, heck while where at it throw in a nanny too! You are amazing people and I hope to learn more from you and gain some compassion in the process. My current trial by fire so to speak will go fine, of this I'm sure, it'll come to an end and I'll slip so easily back into my routine with hubby home, but I promise not to forget this, I will always take your kids on playdates and give you some free time. I will.

I appreciate the support my sisters and friends have given me, it is tremendous and I love you all for it, thank you.

Oh yes, these are good words to live by I think, not just to speak them, but live by. In that effort I will try and manage the freedom I feel this bloggy gives me with the responsibiltiy it also deserves! I'm going to do it today! I feel responsible for letting everyone in eyesight know that we all have to pitch in, we all have to take part in this life, we all make a difference we choose what kind of difference that will be...for example...both of my sisters, Buddha Girl and KC, are teachers, amazing wonderful, talented women who have chosen to share of themselves everyday in order to educate kids...now when they chose this field, they actually (foolishly they would say) thought they'd be teaching reading, writing, math and the like...didn't know they'd be teaching personal hygiene, social skills, compassion, self-worth, self-awareness, humanity, COMMON SENSE, to these kids AND THEIR PARENTS/GUARDIANS!!! I am fortunate that I love my job, I really love what I do, and they compensate me very well for it, I think of my sisters each and every day and I think of their coworkers, friends, that they work with. These folks deserve so much more than they get, they need to be compensated, respected, rewarded in many ways for the difference they make. In that vein I'm sending letters today to my state and federal representatives and senators asking them to be supportive of our educators and to support efforts to increase their pay, to support efforts that will allow them the freedom to teach NOT TEST, and to trust them to weild that freedom with responsibility. It's a small thing, some may think it lame, but it's a start for me, I'd like to shout from the rooftops at these legislators but I can't, I've never been one to repel well. Feel free to join me or laugh at me:) Gotta go compose, lots of love, Little Sista

Hello to all the Buddha Girl followers who are taking a sneak peak at me! I saw her post and my beautiful pic, yes that's me alright, the hair, the too long legs and the oh so 'hot' Jimmy Choo's! Didn't know I was that fab huh?, that was before I had my 3 bundles of joy, now I look more like, oh let's think who I resemble these days....I've got it MARGE from ShoeBox greetings, just with more dark bags under my eyes:) Maybe a little cuter, so cute that my wonderful son told me I should be on American Idol! this is the same kid who's cutting back on his green veggies mind you, not the chocolate, but the veggies, too much of a good thing and all that.

WOW, this is my very first post, my first blog, my first time! I must thank my Big Sis, Buddha Girl for the inspiration, I only wanted to post a reply to one of her blogs and had to sign up to do so, unlike what she told me! All is forgiven though, and I'll do a best efforts at keeping up with this.