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enchilada baby..

Those are words I spoke to my father when I was a rebellious teenager, if you can even call it that, I was so goody goody it makes me a bit ill now even, but this particular evening I had actually gone to a party and had a few drinks, and when I arrived home late he looked at me and told me he was disappointed.

Thus my response. I believe if not for the presence of my older sister Buddha Girl at the time I would have been whacked really hard, but she stepped in and Dad cooled off, like he usually did. I was never hit by my father, spanked once when I was 5 and I remember it vividly and I deserved it probably. But outside of that, it was all about the "I find this very disappointing"...that was the worst, I hated to disappoint my parents, and for the most part I don't think i did disappoint my father really, my mother is another story, in her eyes I'm sure I'm a constant disappointment, from the way I raise my children to my choice of spouse, when I got married, how many children I have, my hair, my looks, all of it never really measure up and like an idiot I keep trying to fix it. I keep trying to do my best in her eyes.

Well I've realized, (not really, but maybe a little) that I more than likely will never change her opinion, she will always "tsk, tsk" me, and my choices, she will criticize in her oh so subtle mild way that is supposed to sound like its a compliment in a round about way. She will be disappointed no matter what I do, so why try I ask myself, and I continue to try.

I've made lots of choices in my short life, some I'm very proud of, others not so much, but they are mine. I've chosen not to go down roads and not to associate with people for many reasons, but mostly because I don't like negative situations or people. I'm basically a happy person, I get through things well I think, deal with what I'm given, try not to complain too much. I can't choose her , she's my mother, and I just hope I don't end up like her.

I don't think I will, but one does worry about these things.

Lately I find myself looking for contentment, I just want an even keel, no drama. Just content, I don't need to be too happy, I can deal with the run of the mill troubles that arise, no problem. Life happens, just your basic contentment is what I'm looking for.

Had a great evening yesterday with my kids and husband, it was nice, nothing amazing, we just sat, played games, read, they put on a puppet show and we snuggled. Uneventful, but so what I've been longing for. Sometimes you do get what you need.

I hate talking about money, it's stressful for me lately, so I'm not saying any more on that topic, I know wishing it away doesn't work so I deal with it head on but it leaves me spent and stressed.

Hippi chick did her list of 5's so I'm doing mine:

5 things Always in my purse:

My favorite Kate Spade wallet
Hairbands (for me and children)
Altoids (hate any hallitosis)
Fruit, today it's an apple, Fuji
Halls lemon flavor, you just never know when you may need one

5 Things always in my wallet:

Drivers License
Variety of discount cards for grocery stores
More hairbands and paper clips
Lint
the charm my mother gave me that is made from the gold/platinum from my father's wedding band

5 Things always in my fridge:

Milk
Apples
Wine
Salad fixings
Salad dressings

5 Things always in my closet:

Shoes, and lots of them
My wedding dress, never to be taken from the packing I imagine
a Light fixture I want to put up in my bathroom
My husband's old briefcase from when he used to work out of the home
A box of keepsakes from highschool and college(letters, pictures, etc.)

5 things always in my car:

Parking card for work
umbrella
tissue box, (sometimes it even has tissues left in it)
2 DVD players for the kids
Books for the kids

5 things always on my desk:

water
papers
calendar
coffee
financial calculator

5 people to tag:

If you haven't done it try it