Lipstick Cover-Up

I love Thanksgiving...always have and will I imagine, it's not the food, or just the food I should say. I love the idea of thanks and giving, the sharing of it, the little rituals you establish over the years. I like that it's not about presents, it's a restful time for me honestly, the cooking part is fun, the football, the just hanging out.

That all being said, I'm not doing any of the above this year. We're not traveling to my mother's or either sisters homes. Not going to my husbands family either. NOT.

We're having it with friends at their home, sort of, their parents home actually now. It was to be at their house but do to a family thing on the other side the MIL and FIL can't travel now so we're going with them. To a farm and having Thanksgiving.

I'm a bit apprehensive about it all really. I don't know what she cooks, how she cooks, I don't know some of the family, but am very close with my friend and my kids are with her children. Our spouses get along great and love hanging out together and her MIL who's home it's at has proved many times over she's an amazing cook...so it's not about them, it's about me.

The starting of new traditions.

This is hard for me. I think so much of it stems from the fact that throughout most of my adult life, all of my childhood holidays, especially this one, were always and ONLY spent with my parents at their home. It wasn't discussed where we'd be, who'd do what it was always a known thing. You just knew Mom and Daddy were cooking, all of it, we'd help of course, but they'd insist. It always seemed fun, it was always special. And it was always this way because my Dad made it so and my Mom seemed on board.

She's not. My father died 4 years ago now, I can hardly believe it's that long, it seems like yesterday. My mother has been remarried now a couple of years, OMG I can hardly believe it's that long. And it will never ever ever be the same.

The "Holidays" well, she didn't like it. She never did I guess, I thought she did maybe she did at the time. She was as I recall, generally moody at the holidays, cranky, sometimes happy, but moody is a good word I think. I thought she had some fun but she doesn't remember that, and she doesn't do any of it anymore, and when she does, it's not the same. I mean she doesn't even cook the same, it all tastes different. It's all somehow less to me. I think she likes her life so much better now, she thinks she's happier now, so I'll try and choose to be grateful and thankful for that for her.

My oldest sister has taken the helm and she's an amazing cook, wonderful host, and generally a very wonderful person to be around, I think we all get a little melancholy at the holidays now but I get that and I look forward to a Thanksgiving with her but it won't be this year. We have commitments the day after and I'm working the day before and we have something with my kids on the Saturday after so no real "traveling" or overnighters this year. We'll be home, and just go for the day with friends.

My other sister, Wine Girl, she did Christmas a couple of years ago. I hope she or Buddha do it again. I won't, ever, do it again. Tried and failed and won't try again to have it at my home. Let me be clear EVER. I will do my Holidays with my kids, but the big family part will always involve travel. Christmas it a whole other post or TWO maybe.

So this year I'm thankful for many things, I'm choosing to list some below, but before I do, let me just say even on the days I moan and groan, I'm finding gratitude and that is overwhelmingly mood altering and life changing. I'm finding positive every day no matter how small and it's helping me not be sad, because to be very honest with myself, I've been very very sad for a long time now. I don't want to be.

MY LIST OF THANKS:
I'm thankful for...
- my kids, they are wonders and I love them so much, holding their hand on a walk, talking to them in whispers as I tuck them in, wiping tears and soothing cuts and bruises to their bodies and minds if need be, their giggles and hugs, the way they let me share their accomplishments and failures. Being a mother is the greatest gift I've ever been blessed with. I know it's not what everyone wants, and I thought years ago I didn't want it, but my life today would not be worth living in my eyes without their presence, that's just me.
- my friends, they are few in number but more powerful than the entire Verizon army!
- my sisters, (they are included in the one above too) they are my conscious, my backbone, my rock, they inspire me and give me hope.
- my husband, I'm grateful for the patience he shows me and he's taught me. I'm thankful we decided to keep working on this thing called marriage, that we didn't throw in the towel when others thought we should, dare I say we thought it at moments too, but we didn't and I'm thankful that we're willing to keep trying and trusting, loving and caring together.
- that I have a home, a job and means to pay for taking care of things.
- that my family has found a new church that we feel at home in, a place where discovering a relationship with God has so far been a very beautiful thing, without fear and guilt or condemnation.
- my mother, she teaches me lots of things, and many lessons I've felt I didn't want to learn, but in the end it will all be ok. She loves me and wants for my happiness and knowing that is a gift.
- my abilities, I'm so thankful that I can do so many things if I try, if I believe in myself which is generally the biggest challenge, I can do literally anything. I just have to make the choice.
- knowing how love feels, both to give and receive it.
- living in the country that I do, I'm so very blessed and lucky. I'm free to think, feel and choose so many things as a citizen and a woman. Too many places don't offer the same.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you.