Lipstick Cover-Up

I run, I wish I could really say, "I'm a runner" but I'm not, I just run, I love it most of the time, it clears my head, makes me feel good when I'm done and keeps me in pseudo shape so when I have moments of weakness and eat a Ho-ho at 10pm the guilt doesn't overwhelm me so much that I run and make myself vomit...I just tell myself I'll run an extra quarter mile the next day and have a milk chaser. I'm not one of those with a runner's body, you know, sleek, gazelle like, they sort of coast above the ground, barely laying foot to pavement, not to mention they have those six-pack abs that I refuse to believe a mother of 3 can every regain. No I'm short, muscular yes, but there is not a six-pack on my midsection, the remnants of a six pack of doughnuts maybe, or those cute little wine 6-packs you can pick up for a picnic, but no toned hot muscle six-pack to be sure.

In my neighborhood there are these great trails for running, hills, flats, wooded and sunny spaces, tranquil and solitary in parts and near homes and the pool and clubhouse in other areas, I like them, and folks walk their dogs on them, and that's fine, they are very good about picking up the poop or curbing them so they poop where I don't tread, works for me.

There is this one adorable man we'll call him Buddy for anonymity sake, and he has this wonderful dog, beautiful dog I should say, well trained and cared for but still a bit young and prone to jumping up on you with paws on your shoulders and licking you to let you know he's really that big and huge and full of love. I'm ok with it, this dog makes my day quite often, so happy you know, and his owner is very nice as well.

Well I see them while running sometimes and last night was no different, getting my run in a little late, starting to get dark, I'm on the trail and come upon them, naturally I take the ipod off and chit chat and pet my pooch. We're mid sentence and pooch decides, that bead of sweat on her neck looks like a squirrel, I should pounce, and so he LEAPS, and his ginormous skull hits at the base of my chin and knocks me back....on my ass. I'm not graceful in the fall and then I have the doggie on top of me showering me with doggie love...as adorable man watches and chuckles and tries to gain control of said pooch.

I swear I saw white at impact, just a little flash of it. I really thought I must be bleeding, but no, and there is a lovely bruise, but it HURTS SO MUCH MORE than it looks!

When I make it home my spouse asks, "did you fall on your chin?" No, the dog knocked me out. It was good for a few laughs but no sympathy, "that's what you get for running." Like it's a bad thing, like it's stealing hub caps or selling crack on the corner, RUNNING!

Today was the first day of school for my children, well Emmy and Gabe that is. They were excited and nervous, it's a new school for them since we moved and I'm feeling very good about it. When we went to the open house I was astounded by the difference in this school compared to their former, much more rural school. Not just size, but what was there, the oh so very many computers EVERYWHERE, for them to use all the time, they get to have laptops too in their classes...PUBLIC SCHOOL...the other school there was ONE computer lab for the whole school and I say it kindly that it wasn't state of the art. All the supplies, the many many MANY BOOKS!!!! Each class had a wonderfully stocked library not to mention the actual LIBRARY, and the MUSIC and ART rooms were just great. The art teacher showed off the brand new kiln he got over the summer, he's in the NEWLY BUILT WING of the school, which is also where Emmy's classrooms are, B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

I was so happy...then I was so sad. Sad for our old school, those teachers were amazing, did a lot with a little, made the best of a sometimes very difficult situation. It just got me to thinking about the common discussion of inequity in the public education system in the States today. I talked with a friend last night about it and she concurred with my views. No Child Left Behind is leaving a lot of kids behind, it doesn't make the system fair, if you live in a wealthy district, your public schools are better...if not you hopefully have good dedicated professionals who make up for the lack of "supplies" they are given...but it doesn't happen most of the time. Good teachers want to go to Good schools, in Good neighborhoods, that PAY BETTER so they can take care of their own families....I know there are exceptions, certainly there are, I know a few of them, they are my sisters...working in inner-city schools, they are AMAZING Educators, children hope to get them and administrators have nightmares about losing them. But lose them they will eventually. The overworked, undersupported, underpaid and burnt out professionals that are the backbone of education will leave for better stomping grounds.

I know this argument of mine totally leaves out the role of the parent(s) in education, but that is a whole other post. I know there's good and bad everywhere, you get what you get and work hard, but when some are starting at such a disadvantage it just makes the inequity seem very criminal.

I love being healthy, I love when my kids and my husband are healthy. So KNOCK ON WOOD, it doesn't happen often and now I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop so to speak b/c in my experience it usually does, but maybe not this time, living on hope in that regard...

I know I've shared that we just moved, bought a new lovely house, are getting settled...yeah! But I've failed to mention that we still need to put the old house on the market....UGH..UGH. The thought brings fear to the surface for me, inside I get all jittery feeling, and ill in my stomach, I feel acid creeping up my throat...I hate this and all it entails. I've been sort of just not thinking about the old house, you know I'm not there, so it doesn't exist anymore right?

Fucking wrong! It's there, still needs all the UPKEEP, and UTILITIES paid, and is awaiting new carpet that I have yet to order, and needs 3 more rooms painted and needs new fixtures in the master bath, shall I continue!!!!!?????!!!! Friggin bull crap #%*&*%&$!!

The agent emailed me today..."how are the repairs/upgrades going? You know that family I told you about that drove by and looked at the house, well they just got a contract on their old home and would really like to see yours...when will it be ready?"

Well that is fab and all, but damn it it's not ready! SHIT, shit, SHIT....SHITTTTT

With all of the husband issues, and Izzy being sick and back to school stuff, oh yeah and MY FULL TIME JOB AND ALL...crap. I told her to give me a week, see if they could wait a week and I'd get as much done as is possible.

Yes, I also haven't mentioned I don't think that we have friends staying in the old house for the next 3 weeks. Great family, 3 kids, their middle child is my son's best friend, they are building a new home, have been for months, it was supposed to be ready end of July, then the builder said, mid-August, and in July he tells them, sorry folks second week of September. So they were going to be homeless for a few weeks with kids needing to go back to school and both of them being teachers, going back to work. Hence we offer up our place for the fill-in time so they don't have to pay an arm and a leg or a child for short term furnished housing, now I feel terrible that we're going to have to be in and out painting, etc. They're great though, and fine with it, but still.

Ok, now I'm rambling and have other things I've got to do....but wanted to thank you all for the well wishes and emails about Izzy really was so nice to feel all that good energy.

Last week Izzy, my baby, was sick started on Wednesday, just not herself, cranky, tired, not wanting to eat, but drinking fine, Thursday, fever, vomited once, didn't sleep well, VIRUS I think...Friday morning low grade, not bad, she's happy, drinking still, I go to work. I get home from work and she's flushed and not happy at all, take the temp and low and behold 104.2...hmmm...could still be viral, administer meds, get more drink for her and make appointment for doc in the morning....bad night, up a lot, high fever not coming down much, do a tepid bath, it helps, she rests some. Meds, meds, meds...doc in the morning, fever is around 103.8 with meds, they say alternate tylenol and motrin every 3 hours, confirm the doses, and that it's viral, call in a few days if no change...ok I say, and call if it goes to 105, ok I say...

Later that day, about 3 whole hours later, we're up to 105.1 and she's got horrid chills and shakes, then pukes, fever goes up a bit more and she sleeps so restlessly, I call the docs, they say, call us if it goes to 106, gothcha....she wakes with the shivers, the shakes, blue little lips, cold hands and toes, I bundle, snuggle, and rock, then heats up, pukes and spikes...we continue this cycle all night till the next morning and we get to a whopping 106.1, off to the hospital we go and she is admitted, poked prodded and all around violated to find her "source" as the docs so lovingly call it...we have a winner ECOLI, fuckers, I have no idea where/when/or how and neither to they, probably started as a mild uti, moved to the kidneys, moved to the blood.

She is home now, pale as a sheet, but smiling, fever is nearly gone and she's taking her meds well, another 8 days of kick your butt antibiotics and she'll be good as new.

I've written before about our 2 oldest kids being very sick when they were younger, we didn't think we'd have more, too risky we thought. Izzy is such a joy, such a blessing and has always been the picture of health, you know the regular ear infections and colds that come with being a kid with older school age siblings, but nothing that needed the hospital. So this initially brought back terrible memories, and of course she's fine, no long term problems, she didn't have any seizures from the fever, so docs think there's no fever related injuries thank the Lord.

We're tired, but happy now.

The older kids are off at camp this week, their final HOORAH of summer before going back to school next week! Can you believe it, the buses will be running, got the new backpacks and supplies ready to go!

Thank you for your prayers for those of you who knew she was sick, I can speak with authority that the power or prayer has done wonders for me and my children over the years, you may not get what you think you want, but you do get what you need I believe that sincerely.

Lots of love to each of you!

I have nothing to say...i'm down, I have that to say. I feel a bit lost, a bit adrift and I'm looking for a nice friendly shore to park my butt on for a while. I'm chock full of anxiety and worry lately, and I find my only real outlet is running, which is great, reading, if I only had the time on a regular basis, and feeling indifferent, which is just terrible.



It's been a long hot summer, kids go back to school in a couple of weeks, baby is loving her "school"/daycare...love my new neighborhood and the people, an amazing change from our last neighborhood where people didn't share time or talk much. There are these wonderful running/walking trails which have done wonders for my race training.



And shhh, if you could all keep a secret for me, my boss, who is a huge runner/marathoner, would like to sponsor me for the NYC Marathon in 2008, sounds great, until I remind myself that it's 26.2 friggin miles, and the 10-miler I did this past spring was great, but kicked my ASS, but great b/c I finished.



We'll have to see how it all goes, but I thought it was a lovely gesture that he thought 1. I could do it, 2. I'd like it, and 3. I was worth it.



I don't feel all that "worth it" lately. My marriage is difficult at best lately, of course I'm hesitant about the kids starting at thier new school, I've fielded more, "will I make friends, will I like it, will I get lost there" questions than you can count. With their dad's recent personal turmoil in the form of depression, and severe lack of motivation, they've both (the older 2) gotten a new level of anxious when they're at home than I've ever seen before, they worry about him, and I talk to them, I reassure, we discuss as best we can, but it's still there, and it sucks and I can't fix it AT ALL really.



I have to thank my sisters, Buddha Girl and Wine Girl, Amy and Kathy, so very much for their support and encouragement, and willingness to help me out. They have the 2 older kids for this week, at the beach with their own families, while me and baby and the husband are at home doing what we do. I couldn't take the time off but they were so wonderful to include my kids in their vacation together. The time alone it gives me with the baby one on one is very nice too:)



So ladies, thank you, you are wonderful and inspirational to me.



I feel frustrated, like tending to my family and taking care of my marriage are in 2 different directions and that I can't do both well when that's how it is. My family comes first, my children come first. I don't have a choice about working, it must happen for us to eat and live. But then there is very little nurture and energy left for my marriage. We've never had a lack of love, it's all the other stuff that makes us getting along difficult. What feels worse lately is the level of indifference I feel about it, I'd rather be upset/angry/passionate in some way than feel indifferent. He is a good man, a wonderful father and he's always been nothing but loving and caring and generous with me...we both deserve better than what we've got today...I'm hoping it's just a tough time for us right now and that we'll come out the other end of this together.



I don't really feel all that secure saying all this here now either since I know one of his sisters likes to check on my bloggy and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to blog, someone might find me out or steal my identity, or stalk us she fears I guess, but I need to get it all out, I've either absent or so very vanilla in my posts for too long b/c of that worry and I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.



Lots of love to you all!



-Lil'sis