woman on the edge
that's the flashing sign lately displayed across my brow, people see it and they move away, they walk on the other side of the block, the shudder, they tsk, they judge.
So f*#*&$^$&OVER IT!
Ok, feeling better now. My marriage is on the rocks, the big ones, you know you see jetties of them on the shoreline, tell the kids not to play over that way, we've all ventured a stroll on them only to land on our butts as we slip and fall and bruise all over. Well, that's my life lately, hovering on those rocks...so to sum it up, it's not just marriage, it's LIFE on the rocks.
You know, I get through the day, i keep moving along, working on things, trying, trying harder...but i really suck at it all. I really want to runaway, so badly. Such a freaking wimp! When I look back on my short life up till now I feel like I've tried to navigate well, to enjoy, to live to my potential, I also feel like the issues/troubles/stresses I've had cross my path I've done my best to handle them with courage and grace and care.
The past two years for me personally have be a mind field, if not in reality, in my head. I feel shamefully dishonest typing this, like I've just kept of the facade of the chick that's got it all together, when in reality I'm just faking it all, and admitting it to the ether just makes it all true, I'm a phony, a fake, a liar. I don't even remember how to be honest with myself let alone other people.
But today, I know I'm working on me, I know I'm giving effort to fix what's broke in me, but I know, know all too well that some of the fix will not make others pleased or proud, happy or supportive of me, and at the middle of me is this great desire, no, I should say irrational need to please, to keep people happy to NOT offend.
UGH.
Lately, I feel the only thing I've got gumption for is my kids. I want to so badly to do right by them, to be a good mom, even if I do everything else wrong I will be there for them, I will make good memories for them, I will keep them stable in their home and surroundings, support them emotionally and financially. I feel so strongly about this. I'm like a mama bear when it comes to them, yet I feel like I've screwed up so much too, I doubt so much of what I've done, what I do, where I'm at, have I made the correct decisions...you get it.
But I'm not an emotional wreck 24/7, just moments. I don't trust my husband right now, and when I say that I don't mean about other women, I just don't trust that he'll be there for me, that he'll be a supportive person, that he won't just start to ignore me again and just coexist with me. I want to do the right thing, I have no clue what that is, but I'm working on it. My mother would do a happy dance if I said the "D" word, but I'm not about to do that, I'm not there. I would like for it to work out.
UGH
So f*#*&$^$&OVER IT!
Ok, feeling better now. My marriage is on the rocks, the big ones, you know you see jetties of them on the shoreline, tell the kids not to play over that way, we've all ventured a stroll on them only to land on our butts as we slip and fall and bruise all over. Well, that's my life lately, hovering on those rocks...so to sum it up, it's not just marriage, it's LIFE on the rocks.
You know, I get through the day, i keep moving along, working on things, trying, trying harder...but i really suck at it all. I really want to runaway, so badly. Such a freaking wimp! When I look back on my short life up till now I feel like I've tried to navigate well, to enjoy, to live to my potential, I also feel like the issues/troubles/stresses I've had cross my path I've done my best to handle them with courage and grace and care.
The past two years for me personally have be a mind field, if not in reality, in my head. I feel shamefully dishonest typing this, like I've just kept of the facade of the chick that's got it all together, when in reality I'm just faking it all, and admitting it to the ether just makes it all true, I'm a phony, a fake, a liar. I don't even remember how to be honest with myself let alone other people.
But today, I know I'm working on me, I know I'm giving effort to fix what's broke in me, but I know, know all too well that some of the fix will not make others pleased or proud, happy or supportive of me, and at the middle of me is this great desire, no, I should say irrational need to please, to keep people happy to NOT offend.
UGH.
Lately, I feel the only thing I've got gumption for is my kids. I want to so badly to do right by them, to be a good mom, even if I do everything else wrong I will be there for them, I will make good memories for them, I will keep them stable in their home and surroundings, support them emotionally and financially. I feel so strongly about this. I'm like a mama bear when it comes to them, yet I feel like I've screwed up so much too, I doubt so much of what I've done, what I do, where I'm at, have I made the correct decisions...you get it.
But I'm not an emotional wreck 24/7, just moments. I don't trust my husband right now, and when I say that I don't mean about other women, I just don't trust that he'll be there for me, that he'll be a supportive person, that he won't just start to ignore me again and just coexist with me. I want to do the right thing, I have no clue what that is, but I'm working on it. My mother would do a happy dance if I said the "D" word, but I'm not about to do that, I'm not there. I would like for it to work out.
UGH
