somedays are easy...
and some are hard. Today is ok. But lately I just have this feeling that I can't shake, the feeling that I just don't measure up to what I should. The "should" is on me...I set the "should's", but there just seems to be so many lately, I feel like I'm failing, well maybe not a total F, but I'm like a "high C" student right now in this game of life. I want to be an "A", I've been an A before, I just know it.
It's bugging me, I want to feel some kind of affirmation that I'm doing right by my children, my family. Somedays lately I feel consumed with worry. Stale, stagnant, unhappy even, with me though, not them or anyone else. This sounds so horrible when I type it, I'm not feeling horrible, just so uninspired I guess. I hate always seeing the negative, I want to enjoy the moment more, moments that just seem to go whizzing by. Giggling baby, happy kids, great effort, fun dinners, reading books together...going by so fast and I'm always worrying about the Next thing, or what has to be done, or crap with my mother, instead of living in the NOW with my family. I want my kids to know that I am focused on them, not always looking at tomorrow's list of "to-do's", but with them in the moment.
It just flies by, days, weeks, years, they just go faster each year, milestones just shoot by my line of vision before I can take a snapshot.
I fear regret, I don't want to regret things I missed because I was so busy planning, cleaning, trying to organize, decluttering. Where's the line on these things, stuff has to get done, but when I ask myself? When do I fit it all in and still have something left of me to give my kids not to mention a little slice of peace for me in a given day. I hate that compromise that is motherhood, marriage, life in general for women today. I want it all, and to not be exhausted getting it...that's not too much to ask now is it?
I think I've blogged on this before. Such poor planning on my part not to find the post and link it....crap.
It's bugging me, I want to feel some kind of affirmation that I'm doing right by my children, my family. Somedays lately I feel consumed with worry. Stale, stagnant, unhappy even, with me though, not them or anyone else. This sounds so horrible when I type it, I'm not feeling horrible, just so uninspired I guess. I hate always seeing the negative, I want to enjoy the moment more, moments that just seem to go whizzing by. Giggling baby, happy kids, great effort, fun dinners, reading books together...going by so fast and I'm always worrying about the Next thing, or what has to be done, or crap with my mother, instead of living in the NOW with my family. I want my kids to know that I am focused on them, not always looking at tomorrow's list of "to-do's", but with them in the moment.
It just flies by, days, weeks, years, they just go faster each year, milestones just shoot by my line of vision before I can take a snapshot.
I fear regret, I don't want to regret things I missed because I was so busy planning, cleaning, trying to organize, decluttering. Where's the line on these things, stuff has to get done, but when I ask myself? When do I fit it all in and still have something left of me to give my kids not to mention a little slice of peace for me in a given day. I hate that compromise that is motherhood, marriage, life in general for women today. I want it all, and to not be exhausted getting it...that's not too much to ask now is it?
I think I've blogged on this before. Such poor planning on my part not to find the post and link it....crap.
Aww hell. Lighten up on yourself here a little, sis. You do a great job each and every day.
My friends who met you during Buddha's baby shower constantly make comments about how you effectively juggle all of life's challenges with such ease. YOU may not feel that way, but you're doing a great job.
And ahemmmmm....that phone call I received from you this weekend is evidence of your HARD work and dedication. Hmm...that might be bloggable.
*scurrying off*
I was coming to the comments to give you a sympathy 'hug'. Not much else to say, obviously. From your blog entries about events, about your kids, about life you seem like you're doing a good job, but that's easy to say from a distance.
In the midst of all that, I was distracted. I've always wondered who 'bg' was. If you're "bg's little sis" who is 'bg'? But I think the above comment answers the question?
Otr,
Yep, that's her above, Buddha Girl, then my other sis, WineGirl, my name is so not creative.
Thanks for the hug, I'm feeling it!
I think the hard thing about parenting is that there is no one to tell you, "Good job!", no tangible result of all the labor. Also, there's so much pressure to be a perfect mother. I always remind myself that my parents weren't perfect either, but I turned out okay. :)
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
i can't even imagine trying to juggle all that you do.
you're amazing.
*hugs*
you know
i am just amazed that you are such a together person
such strength where many others would have buckled.
tenderness and devotion to your kids. i've read the articles about you in the papers around there.
it's all real
there is no failure in your life
and what you are calling a "C"
well, i suspect that's a "C" for caring. my hat is off to you and all that your do and have dealt with.
Bravo!
----
oh - and the weight thing
YAY YAY YAY!!!
good job
----
the last comment i want to make may sound chiding, but it is meant to be a moment of perspective.
by what measure would you say you are not up to snuff? by movie standards? by perfection standards? by hindsight standards?
to whom exactly are you comparing yourself when you feel not up to snuff? what living person are you going to name that is doing better with the same conditions?
by any human perspective you are an exceptional human being
Thanks for the kind words and uplifting comments, reflection is not my forte, I always feel like I'm whining...I compare myself to what I think is ideal, not to anyone else really, but what I'd like to see me being. Making a difference, an impact.
Lots of good thoughts headed your way. Your life is so full, but it can be hard to keep all that fullness in balance with the daily grind.
You are doing a great job.
your sister sent me..im here to cheer you up..
there was an old lady
who lived in a shoe
she had so many children
she could stretch her
vagina over a 1957 chevy...
sorry that is the best i could do on such short notice..
YDG, you are so damned funny! Thanks, on short notice, it was perfect!
Have your kids ever told you that you're the best mom in the world? I suspect so.
Listen to them. That's your confirmation that you're doing it right. :)
your a star in my life, always there to listen, sorry I have been so distant and self absorbed, you are amazing, and a leader and a person many look at and say
"How does she do it?"
We all have low days, your not an F a C or a B, your an A on a bad day!
love you