Lipstick Cover-Up

Dumb, as a bag of hammers. I have my moments, but right now just beats all, I thought I was educated, I have a degree, but in my readings today I find that I am not, I am stupid. My mutterings are just that, pointless senseless mutterings. I'm not as well read as I would like, not nearly as worldly as I hoped at 18 I would be by now.


I don't write as well as I speak, I know this. I think well in action, in conversation, but writing is just not the same for me yet, maybe not ever. So I'll look stupid on paper? That's comforting. Maybe I just don't have anything to say, that could be it, I just have little to share that merits writing it down. I'm shallow? I hope not. I can write about events, give me a topic I'll do it justice, but this on the fly thing, I'm not so good at, it's all a conversation to me I guess. I read posts by others, folks I don't know, never will no and I can see the story they are sharing, I feel the bit of their happiness or pain they are getting out. I'll admit I have an uneasiness about sharing things very personal to me, I have a fear of some crackpot reading a post and tracking me down b/c they disagree or think I'm horrible or exploiting what I share somehow. I've seen stalkers in action, they are scary people. Not that I think that highly of myself that someone would do that to me, but I never said it was a reasonable fear. Being judged is not something I like and I think about that too, whoever reads this could be of that type, I'm not so naive to think that this place is free of that, but why do I care about that honestly?

I don't quote famous authors, I don't know the classics, I know what I like, I know what makes me happy, so that'll be enough, and I'm not stupid. I might want to write these things down on paper instead of here huh?

A friend of mine just shared with me that she is pregnant. She is 41, this will be her second child, she is happy, scared out of her mind, nervous, and amazed all at once. Having just had a child that was not planned, but such a blessing, I know a bit how she's feeling. I'm praying for her and her family, I'm wishing her health, happiness and the bit of luck you need to get through this. Her spouse hasn't spoken to her for a week because of this, how did this happen, they just bought their new home, child is just getting out of paid care and starting school, they were going to be SAVING a little. She has a great attitude, she's taking it all in stride and said he's coming around now, just this morning actually spoke about it and told her he is happy, just SCARED OUT OF HIS MIND, not just about being a dad again really, he's scared for her health, the baby, their family, can they do this in every way, financially, emotionally....she told me "I just told my Daddy yesterday, I'm 41 and was still nervous to tell my Daddy." I wanted to cry but smiled, I know exactly how she feels on that one. She still calls him Daddy too when she speaks of him, I love that.

Happy thoughts to L and family today, big hard hugs too!