Lipstick Cover-Up

I'm learning a bit each day I tell you, when I stop learning just put a fork in me ok, tag me and bag me because that'll be the end. I'm learning all the time, some of it is good, like how to keep my brown sugar soft of make my produce last longer, thank you Heloise for all your kind advice; some knowlege is profound, like learning what my children need daily and making sure they get it, not food and shelter those are the givens, if a parent does NOT know these things they should NOT be a parent I think, but hugs, love, reassurance, guidance, laughter, not so much the things themselves but more how each of my kids requires it be delivered is the learning process for me, because this changes for them often, I have to keep up.

My dear husband teaches me daily, he accepts me always, loves me unconditionally, cares about how I am doing; given the tough times he's been having lately these things have not changed and I cannot thank him enough for always making me feel safe. He, like my father was also, is my rock. My saving grace on many occaisions, he tells me when I've screwed up and still loves me, we can help eachother without judgement.

My sisters, always a source of strength and encouragement, and HONESTY when I sorely need it. They have taught me so much over the years, what NOT to wear, when to hold my tongue, when NOT to, good wine, cooking secrets, how to laugh when I want to cry, loving from a distance, appreciation of the simple things, the importance of family, the myraid of ways to use a four letter word courtesy of Buddha Girl, to name just a few of the gems.

Some things I have not wanted to know lately have come courtesy of my dear mother. Those of you who have read Buddha Girl's bloggy know the history here. Well, I constantly get the brunt of my mother due to proximity mostly, but also because I allow myself to feel guilty and let her in so many times when I should just NOT do so. She has shown me levels of selfishness that I did not know existed, and she does so without even knowing she's passed on the lesson. I cannot believe for a moment that she means the things she says and does. She just doesn't know any better I think. That must be the case I often hope. She just cannot see what she does, she's too caught up in her day to day that she can't see it. How she has let herself get so duped by the Antichrist, I'll never know, he still behaves the way he used to, talks down to her, belittles her in front of her family. Is rude without regard to anyone, even children. I have to wash my hands of this, but how do you just wash your hands of your mother. I've seen her be an amazing example before, a strong confident woman whom I admired. I haven't seen that person in so long it's scary, her house even smells different, my children told me that yesterday, "Momma, this place doesn't smell like granma anymore, kinda stinky like there's something under the house" what the devil does that mean coming from a 7 year old? or my 6 year old, "no more like a hospital that was just cleaned" That is not my mother, how did that happen. She shows more compassion towards a neighbor with the flu than her sick grandchild, how did that happen?

I think she cares more now about what people "think" of her than about who she actually is. The appearances are more important than the substance now. This is very sad to me, my heart is no longer there, my heart is in my home, not my house, but My Home, my home is my husband, my children, my sisters, my true friends, though low in number, they are very much a part of my home, I thank you each for making me feel safe, letting me know I'm loved, showing me I'll always have a home. I have a lot to be grateful for and today that is what I will remember, that is my silver lining today.