Lipstick Cover-Up

That's how I feel right now, in the big picture I know it'll all work out just fine, but in my little picture I'm troubled and random right now.

Mother: My mother as many of you know from Buddha Girl's bloggy, is a crazy woman right now, marrying a crazy man and wanting everyone to love it...well I don't love any of it and this past weekend, while celebrating my oldest child, Emily all of 8 years now, Holy First Communion, my mother struck again. Just her need to control it all, to make others feel crappy, it sucks....my other sister, Kathy, was here and on Friday night, while up drinking wine and laughing and talking till very late, or early I should say I guess, Kathy starts reminicing about my mother's craziness and how it really was like this all along, it's just that our dad covered for her and now that he's gone, there's no one to cover for her, "Whatever do you mean?" I unwisely asked, well she unloaded all these anecdotes, moments in time from our childhood that I apparently am just to weakminded to remember and so my self has blocked them out, when my mother and her craziness were starkly apparent...her throwing food at us, IN PUBLIC PLACES, then storming out and LEAVING all 4 of us kids alone in shopping centers; her constant yelling and screaming, her temper that flared on more than one Christmas morning at her UNGRATEFUL, and LIFE SUCKING children...how she ignored her own abusive father and allowed him near her children...oh it goes on and on and ON...I was in shock, and as she told me these things, I began to remember flashes, things, memories, things I would prefer not remember...it was a painful walk down memory lane and one that gives me pause and makes me examine myself as a person as a mother even, see my shortcomings, and be hopeful that I'm not like her. My mother, and I remembered this, always kept a packed suitcase under her bed, for as long as I can remember as a child, so she could leave in a second if she saw fit, she'd threaten us with this a lot, we were her reasons for leaving, we were the trappings for her. There was never enough money, she had to work, she had these kids, my dad lost his business in a bad deal, it was all a slight to her. We were a slight to her at the time, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not enough to fill this void of hers I guess.

I'm sad about it. I'm hurt. I wish I could talk about it with my dad. He never wanted us to go see her father, he was not welcome and could not go for fear of a battle, he'd prefer we never go but my mother would take us, only a couple of times a year, but enough to do damage.

I'm sad about the pain my sisters have, the scars you can't see that effect them deeply. The slights, the being marginalized and ignored. Feelings of being abandoned even though the body is still there.

With all of this I must say we've come through it well. We are successful, both personally and professionally. We are all loving mothers, doting I'd say. My children are always with me, my mother says too much, but they are, I don't leave them places, I stay at parties, I stay at events, I go with them where they go. I don't leave them with my mother that's for sure. I'll leave them with my sisters. My sisters are with their children too. They are present in their marriages as am I. We have partnerships with our spouses. We deal with the good and the bad, we don't feel, I know I don't and I don't think they do, feel like we're missing out on a better life. We don't feel like we've had to give up the good life for what we have, I think we're happy, bills and all, we're happy families. Boring and happy. Except for our dear mum, none of us are happy there.

I've tried to tell myself that she was a good woman, I know I witnessed good things. I felt her love and admiration. I thought it left when she started dating this man, but I think I'm wrong. Those times were more likely the rarity not the rule. I think I chose to remember the good stuff and not the bad. But this has tainted my view of her now, more so than it was already. I'm not feeling real lovey dovey if ya know what I mean. I'm mad at her I have a chip the size of TEXAS, (no offense there t.cole) on my shoulder for her right now. When I talk to her I can hear it in my voice, this venom. I have to let it go and move on, I'm trying. Thank you Lord for my husband, my children and my sisters. For my very few but very close friends, thank you thank you thank you.