Lipstick Cover-Up

Going to Vegas

2009-10-20T12:45:00.001-04:00

Just found out I'm going to Vegas, work conference, but ALONE!! My own personal vacation, I'm so excited

the where are they now stories

2009-09-11T10:59:00.003-04:00

So sad, the where r they now stories. It's all sad. 9/11 was/is one of the saddest, scariest, heart wrenching days I will ever live through. For the people who lost someone near and dear to them, I cannot imagine the pain they feel. I know what it's like to lose a sister, and to lose a father. My sister was in a car accident, my father had been very sick for a long time before he died in hospice care.

It's just different. Accidents and illness are one thing. A terrorist attack, I can't fathom how that would feel. I know how I felt that day. I cried and cried, I wanted to just hold my kids and my family, I wanted to hide from the constant coverage, but I couldn't, I had to watch a lot of it. We knew people, we knew friends, friends of friends...people through my work.

There isn't a person I know today who wasn't impacted by that day. We all I believe live very differently today then prior to that day.

There are some who I'm sure are so jaded and self absorbed they think of memorials as a bother, as something they don't want to look at or deal with any longer. The "get over it" attitude. Well screw them. Screw their insensitive nature. Or just pity them, maybe it's fear that leads them to that.

A special hug and warm wishes for a day spent in the company of those they love and for a bright future goes out to my internet friend Sam and her sisters. She's one amazing woman, as are her sisters. kudos to you Sam, Dani and Alex, for living, for fighting, for doing what most can't imagine...keeping on.

woman on the edge

2009-08-18T14:11:00.002-04:00

that's the flashing sign lately displayed across my brow, people see it and they move away, they walk on the other side of the block, the shudder, they tsk, they judge.

So f*#*&$^$&OVER IT!

Ok, feeling better now. My marriage is on the rocks, the big ones, you know you see jetties of them on the shoreline, tell the kids not to play over that way, we've all ventured a stroll on them only to land on our butts as we slip and fall and bruise all over. Well, that's my life lately, hovering on those rocks...so to sum it up, it's not just marriage, it's LIFE on the rocks.

You know, I get through the day, i keep moving along, working on things, trying, trying harder...but i really suck at it all. I really want to runaway, so badly. Such a freaking wimp! When I look back on my short life up till now I feel like I've tried to navigate well, to enjoy, to live to my potential, I also feel like the issues/troubles/stresses I've had cross my path I've done my best to handle them with courage and grace and care.

The past two years for me personally have be a mind field, if not in reality, in my head. I feel shamefully dishonest typing this, like I've just kept of the facade of the chick that's got it all together, when in reality I'm just faking it all, and admitting it to the ether just makes it all true, I'm a phony, a fake, a liar. I don't even remember how to be honest with myself let alone other people.

But today, I know I'm working on me, I know I'm giving effort to fix what's broke in me, but I know, know all too well that some of the fix will not make others pleased or proud, happy or supportive of me, and at the middle of me is this great desire, no, I should say irrational need to please, to keep people happy to NOT offend.

UGH.

Lately, I feel the only thing I've got gumption for is my kids. I want to so badly to do right by them, to be a good mom, even if I do everything else wrong I will be there for them, I will make good memories for them, I will keep them stable in their home and surroundings, support them emotionally and financially. I feel so strongly about this. I'm like a mama bear when it comes to them, yet I feel like I've screwed up so much too, I doubt so much of what I've done, what I do, where I'm at, have I made the correct decisions...you get it.

But I'm not an emotional wreck 24/7, just moments. I don't trust my husband right now, and when I say that I don't mean about other women, I just don't trust that he'll be there for me, that he'll be a supportive person, that he won't just start to ignore me again and just coexist with me. I want to do the right thing, I have no clue what that is, but I'm working on it. My mother would do a happy dance if I said the "D" word, but I'm not about to do that, I'm not there. I would like for it to work out.

UGH

This week

2009-07-24T09:39:00.002-04:00

I've been alone at work, usually there's one or 2 weeks over the summer where I hold down the fort alone, the boys at work all travel...during these times I use the freedom to gut the place, throw old stuff out, make room, fill up bankers boxes of stuff to be taken to storage....kick up the dust, the stuff I never have time to do otherwise...it's gone well, but my hands HURT, all this packing and moving and carrying crap, I'm sore from lifting REPEATEDLY these 50 lb. boxes that I keep forgetting to put one file in!!

The perk of all this is that I can listen to my music during these long hours of manual labor...lots of music Love that.

If you don't know them yet and have an opportunity to check them out on itunes or elsewhere, look up the MOST AMAZING BAND 'Sons of Bill' - now I can't claim to know much country, or country rock, but this band, lemme tell ya, they make me want to know a whole lot more...they are a local band from my area, but they tour a great deal and their shows are just OFF THE HOOK CRAZY GOOD!!!! They have a facebook, a website, myspace, all that stuff, you can listen to music there as well....the website has some live stuff...and that JAMES, the lead singer and youngest son of bill, eat him with a spoon ladies, just yum yum yum....their first album, very good, fun, rocking kick butt stuff...their second album...ART, beautiful writing, melodies that make you melt, harder stuff that makes you want to crank it with the windows down...I hope they are around for a long long time, so go check them out...lemme know what you think. "Lost Love and Indie Rockers" - give me that any old time, "So Much for the Blues" and "Western Skies", not to mention "Roll on Jordan"....they are the soundtrack I hear in my head all day long, you got a situation, there's a song for it.

As for other work music, well, I'm pretty varied in my tastes, got lots of variety, the Twilight soundtrack has been prominent for me this week as well...."Eyes on Fire" I like that cultish song. Got some old rock that is great, got some new stuff that is fun....but I just keep coming back to my 'Sons of Bill' this week....like I said with a spoon!

Lots of love to you all, have a great weekend!
-Lil'sis

It's been a while....

2009-07-14T11:18:00.002-04:00

I always have so many things each day that I tell myself, "oh, so bloggable", yet I don't do it, don't get around to it, am overwhelmed by life and all that entails some days.

Well here are few anecdotes I've been saving up, in no particular order, and none would be their own post, so I'm just laying them out there, feel free to discuss amongst yourselves.

- There's this house we drive by on the way to my oldest child's best friends house, it's not part of a neighborhood, just on a road on the way. Lots of people live there, it appears several families, I think they work on some of the local farms, car plates are from Texas, many kids running about, always a BBQ in the yard, even when it's raining it seems. Well, there's this one thing we've noticed that stands out, there is this ginormous tree in the front yard, big and old good for climbing type tree, some low STURDY branches, more like small logs if you will, good for a swing no doubt. Well they added a swing these past couple of months, and not just any swing. It's a carseat, a booster seat with 5-point restraint, taken from the car and jimmied up in the tree with rope, it's a good 10 feet off the ground too. They put the kids in it, 5-point restraints and all and let them swing about. I thought this was odd, so did my kids, I have to remember to take a picture sometime. When we drive my youngest, who is 3 and in a very similar type seat in my car says, "look mama my car seats still in the TREE!!! Looks fun, can we do that at home!" NOT YET my dear, not yet.

- I have a friend, we'll call her Anna, she's pregnant with her first, she's a great woman I love her. She's the same woman who for years has compared her DOGS to my children, as if there the same thing...I loathe that, but I love her so it works. Well she's preggers now, the questions she asks are so funny to me, i'm so excited for her and her husband. I keep telling her it won't be like the dogs, and she just went looking at daycare options, she came back and said, "damn, I thought the kennels were expensive!!!"

- I'm taking the kids on a little trip, to the beach a few states away, a friend of mine has a house there and we'll stay with him. He's my bestest friend from college, yes he is single and yes I love him to bits, but not like THAT...the kids call him Uncle, it's sweet really. I was discussing this trip with a group of people at pre-school the other day, and when they figure out where I'm staying, that he's single, they are all looking at me like I've got a few heads or maybe just one eye on my one head, or that maybe I'm INSANE or have a bipolor moment...why is this so strange to people. Then one says, 'well it's not like you're a normal woman, all the husbands say that Lil'sis, you're more like one of the guys who wears heels'...WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I'm going to take it as a compliment, but I'm not sure if that was the intention, they all chuckled, so I chuckled.

- I started seeing a wellness doctor, he cracks my neck and back and he gives me tips on how to treat stuff without medicine, and he's really great. I haven't had a migraine since i started with him and I usually get one a week, and three a week during my period, had my period and NO MIGRAINE...NO MEDS....I likey

- I'm thinking of stopping seeing the shrink, haven't seen her in a few weeks b/c of schedules, etc., and I've come to see that all my omissions when I talk with her probably are not the best way to receive therapy, it's not that I don't trust her, there's just stuff I don't want to tell her, so it's really a me issue...I hadn't thought much about that till I was talking with a friend and they asked what the shrink thought of something and I said, 'oh, i don't tell her about that stuff'...again the look as if I'm a cyclops...so maybe I should either stop seeing her and wasting the funds or find someone new that I don't mind telling everything to, I don't know really, but I'm more inclined to option one and just going it alone for a bit and saving the co-pay.

- Working for very wealthy people can be a bummer sometimes, don't get me wrong, I'm very lucky, but seeing the "haves" have so much can make one feel like they aren't all that successful sometimes, luckily I don't feel that very often, just when I realize their children are more traveled then me and they are a third my age or less. I'd like to "do Europe" for the summer, just once it could be fun right?

Ok, that's all for now, maybe I'll just post these little items each day as they come up, that'll save all the time it took to post it all at once...short entries are acceptable no?

Relay for Life

2009-05-29T09:57:00.003-04:00

Hi all, it's Relay for Life time again.

I've been an active participant for 10 years now, my first Relay was in Virginia Beach, I went with my sister to honor a co-worker of hers who was sick at the time. Little did I know how cancer would soon effect my family.

A year later my oldest child, Emily, then 22 months was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma with spread to her lymph nodes. She had surgery, she had chemo and immunoglobulin treatment for 3 and a half years. She was a trooper through all of it. Amazing. She was part of a research study for her disease, in her group of 5 she's the only child that celebrated 5 years cancer free.

Emily turned 11 in April.

My husband was diagnosed with malignant melanoma 6 weeks after we married. He's cancer free today.

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer, coupled with his congestive heart failure and battle with lupus it was more than his body could take.

I Relay for these people and countless others.

I think of friends, both from my daily living and from my internet family that have dealt with this disease in one form or another.

Cancer SUCKS.

Living isn't always super easy, but it beats the alternative. As long as I have breath in me I will continue to raise money for cancer research.

If you have a local Relay I urge you to go check it out, spend some time, enjoy the community of it, and stay for luminaria. It will change you, in a really good way.

Lots of love to all of you and have a fantastic weekend!

-Lil'sis

pissy and cranky

2009-05-27T16:52:00.002-04:00

that's all i got for now.

Why so glum lil'sis you might ask....well you shouldn't have asked.

- so sick and tired of the crap with the husband and his doctors and whatever the fuck is wrong with him, the stress it causes the family, his crappy attitude about it all, feeling like I'm the only one who's getting anything done or worked on, why must I be his advocate ALL THE TIME and he won't even pitch in to do some of that himself...if there is NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT then why are you so fucking ill!!!!

- oh, and i still haven't finished the laundry, and did i mention i'm cranky.

- damn it all to hell, I'm now a firm believer that EVERY WOMAN NEEDS A GOOD FUCKING WIFE!!!!

I'm climbing off the soap box, thank you for listening. I'm sure I don't have anything that a bottle of wine, a good book and some lovely sex wouldn't cure...seeing how NONE OF THOSE ARE IN MY FUTURE...I'll settle for a nicely folded load of f*^%$^&%^ LAUNDRY!

ICE, Sisters, etc.

2009-05-12T15:24:00.002-04:00

I did it, chewed some ice, but more sucked on it, and then just chomped right at the end, it was soft, sure it was.

Amy, my big sister, or oldest sister since I have 2 big sisters, won Teacher of the YEAR for her entire CITY, not just her school, the whole freakin' city!!!

I'm so proud of her, we all should be blessed with a teacher like her for our children at least once. My other sister, Kathy, also an amazing teacher who ALSO was teacher of the year in her district a few years back....ME, not so much, but hey I got lots of the sassy genes!

Prayers for the Freemans

2009-05-12T10:53:00.002-04:00

http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

Please keep the Freeman family in your prayers...I have followed their journey for sometime now, they are an amazing family, Rest in Peace Kaleigh Anne.

I have a deep dark secret

2009-05-06T14:51:00.002-04:00

I chew ice, buckets of it, I love it, I'm addicted you might say. I order it at restaurants, I go out of my way to purchase it from good reputable ice dealers, I'm selective. I know the best places to get to go ice. I've done this for years, I don't use what my fridge makes, I disabled that and I purchase ice by the bag and put it in my ice dispenser and crush it. Oh how I love crushed ice, I cannot begin to tell you.

I have to give it up, I'm so sad and bothered by this, it's not a joke, I really am that pathetic. I fractured the root of one of my molars with my ice affair, I had to get a root canal done today, it's painful now, my entire face aches...and I'm feeling a bit whiny about that.

On another note, I've mentioned recently that my husband has been sick. Well, he's still sick, but the emotional roller coaster of the past week is settling down a bit. You see last week he got pretty bad, the docs said to us on Thursday, "we've got to rule out the big stuff first lil'sis, so we're running more tests to rule out pancreatic and liver cancer, and the possibility that the melanoma he had 13 years ago hasn't shown up somewhere else."

I've had enough cancer in my family to last me, seriously, I don't need anymore. My hubby, my daughter, my dad, countless friends. D - O - N - E!!

It was a tough week, waiting, tests, more tests, more scans, more waiting.
Yesterday they say to us at our "consult" appointment, we're ruling out pancreatic and liver for now, we're looking at some weird and rare blood disorders as the primary culprits, I can deal with that, that's manageable I say to myself, but it's not me that really has to manage it, it's husband guy. We were so relieved yesterday, I cannot express how relieved, we're still concerned, but we feel pretty positive that there's nothing they can throw at us that we can't handle.

If you're the praying kind, keep him in your prayers, if you're not, CHEW SOME ICE FOR ME AND ENJOY IN MY HONOR!

Sick n'Tired

2009-04-24T10:30:00.002-04:00

I could open up a shop with that name, come on by the Sick n'Tired today, we have a special on bubble bath and bon bons!

My hubby has been ill. More clots, blood sucks, or at least his does. I know I'm tired of this I can only imagine what's going on inside his head. Admittedly he's bordering on depressed again. It started a few weeks ago, he got a clot. It got better, tweak in the meds, it was "superficial"...whatever. It got better after a week of being uncomfortable. He was on the mend, back to himself. This past week, HELLO CLOTS, nice to see you again NOT!

And they are on the move, we had the calf, the knee, and now the thigh and hip area. He's got the chest pain, typical for him when he's having a bad time of it. His factor levels are ok, so he should be breaking them up. He's not. He can't walk or drive or move much without pain and did I mention the swelling.

It just isn't fun for anyone, stressful for all of us, routines must change and he doesn't feel good. Let's just not talk about money either, have some faith I know, it'll be ok....I'm letting go and letting God, well at least I'm trying to give me that:)

Got a busy weekend of kids stuff ahead of me and though I enjoy all of it, I'm longing for a respite. Just to be with the family with no agenda, no have to's to worry about. I'm whining now.

It should be a gorgeous weekend here, in the 80's sunny, and bring on the heat! I'm ready!

Spring seems late doesn't it, and we'll have a little summer preview this weekend, yehar!

Lots of love to each of you!

FEDEX Lady

2009-04-17T12:52:00.002-04:00

You know when someone says something to you that you don't understand and they refuse to clarify and just smile....and you have an overwhelming urge to SLAP them? Come on you know the feeling I'm talking about, today that was me and FEDEX LADY.

Now I like her, known her for years. Today she's dropping off and I go up to sign and she says to me, "hey YOU LOOK Different" and she's just looking at me. Doesn't say, you look nice, or pretty, or did you get your haircut (which would have been ok since I DID)...just says THAT. AND STARES. She even looked at my midsection!!! HUH Do I look fat, preggers, not like my dress WWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????

I reply: Different? I look Different? I got my haircut, is that what you mean?

FEDEX: no response, just looks, half smile glance down to midsection and up****

I reply: What, what do you mean different?

FEDEX: Have a good weekend lil'sis, cya!

I reply: *blink blink** mouth agape

WHAT THE HELL DOES "DIFFERENT" mean?

I'm going to try and post, really really I am

2009-04-16T11:47:00.002-04:00

I'm going to make a real effort here to post regularly, I deserve to POST DAMMIT!

Even if it's small and relatively meaningless...here goes.

I was driving with the family to a dinner at friends house this past weekend, we turned off the main road towards the friends house and passed a home that was set back off the road a bit, many many clunkers in the yard, BBQ smoking and lots of people. Lots of kids....hanging from the tree was....wait for it....a child's carseat, rigged up with ropes and tied hanging from the branch...a makeshift SWING if you will...with 5-point restraint. I was aghast at first, then chuckled and I hear my older kids from the back of the minivan say, "hey look at that, they are resourceful!"

Only in the SOUTH.

The Drug Store...a place for Convenience

2009-03-02T16:00:00.002-05:00

Last week I dropped off photos to be developed for boss man, one of those portable cameras, don't ask any more about it...I drop them of at the drug store, a place of convenience correct. I ask the "manager", [I'm using that term loosely here, what with the bad shirt, embellishments on the collar and buttons, think a bedazzled man-child, plastic cuff links, and faux-hawk, he just isn't what a manager should be, even in a Drug store, place for convenience], I ask, "yes, I'm here to pick up some pictures" I give him my little slip, he goes away comes, back, "not in ma'am"....ugh, not only are they not in he calls me MA'AM....ugh double ugh.

"I don't quite follow you on this, ummm CEDRIC, ASK ME I'M HERE TO HELP," {i read aloud from his name tag with MANAGER written below it) "I was in here last Wednesday and I asked how long pictures took...." interrupts me, "you didn't ask me".."OH, INDEED I did, it was at 9:45am last Wednesday, I recall because I had a 10 am meeting right after this little venture here, and I remember as I was walking into that thinking I'd just made a terrible mistake, Yes it was you, do you recall now?" "um-humm"

You told me 3 days, I said, so Friday, you said, 'maybe, Monday at the latest', I was ok with that. When do you anticipate them coming in now? "I'm gonna say Wednesday?" So a WEEK, they Take a WEEK, NOT 3 days"

Cedric: Well, the holiday, it was the holiday
Me: What Holiday happened since last Wednesday, I don't follow that?
Cedric: You know the holiday and the weather...um the snow today, you know and the holiday.
Me: THERE has been NO HOLIDAY...do you understand me, and there are cars out, I'm here at work, the sidewalk is DRY, what are you talking about?
Cedric: Well, you know, I mean maybe they're delayed or somthin'
Me: Cedric, Ask me I'm HERE TO HELP, I don't follow it seems as if you are blowing smoke up my butt on this one, am I right, am I getting warmer now?
Cedric: I'm sorry, yes, I don't know, but hopefully tomorrow.
Me: Cedric if the return of these pics were of no importance I would never had ASKED the Manager last week how long they took, do you understand?
Cedric: Yes, hopefully tomorrow, check back, k?
Me:NO NO NO, you CHECK and YOU CALL ME, here's the number and when you talk to my boss and he's going all crazy on me about these pictures, you can tell him to CHECK BACK..

Now, in tandem with the above there are two younger men, too old for school, but apparently too young to get a job, just old enough to smoke and talk with foul mouths and gold teeth loudly about their urges to piss and git up in dat ass of some poor female they know, are behind me in line...saying things like the aforementioned as well as the intermittent, she rippin' him a new one, you here dat, damn girl is throwin'down, i gotta piss fierce man, yo day gotta piss pot up in here!

Things like that, so while I'm rippin' poor C a new one I'm also hearing that from goldie and his partner.

They get up to the counter and say to the poor woman condemned to work here when she says, "Can I help you?"

Goldie: Yeah 2 tings
First you got a piss pot, I gotta piss fierce baby?
Furloughed woman: No, we don't have a public restroom
G: I'm gonna F%$#&* call my uncle then! You know him!?
FW: Call whoever you want, I don't have a public restroom
G: My uncle OBAMA, he's Uncle to every black man and he's gonna be pissed knowin'this place uv conveenence (that's how it sounded) don't got a piss pot for me!
hahahahahahaha
FW: Well call him then, I'll tell him I don't have a public restroom for him EITHER

Goldie proceeds to laugh and order 2 flavored cigars, WINE flavor and flash his goldness and tell the woman, "hey babe, I'm just f&^&%&*%& witya"

Believe me, myself and all the other poor slugs waiting on line were so amused, this is what you have to deal with when running an errand in the middle of the work day.

Now I'm cranky.

Just a quick funny

2009-02-12T14:20:00.002-05:00

Guy I work with told me this story.

When he was in college he had a frat buddy, the 2 of them actually weren't filthy stinkin' rich so they did a very novel thing and got jobs over breaks and the summer to pay for their frat ways during the school year. This friend, we'll call him Jim for purposes of the story telling, had a tough time finding something for the upcoming Christmas break, no tied in family members to help with an internship, he was from a fairly rural area, no big city to run about in and he was a FRESHMAN with no car, and it's only a month off so...his mama sent him down to the local WINN-DIXIE to bag groceries, etc.

They loved him there, he was one of their own who was now a big college boy, he worked hard in high school, he got a scholarship, he was getting out and making everyone proud, it was a homecoming of sorts he said. Now Jim had been fairly sheltered, we can say that without much worry. He hadn't experienced much prior to going away to school in terms of life lessons, but he did that break at the Winn-Dixie. He saw good people and bad, he saw thieves and poor folks who were trying hard to get by, he saw the well-heeled neighborhood lady, her husband was a local judge, well she liked to "flirt and swagger" with the young college aged boys, "the local cougar"...he saw folks do things they probably didn't want to but felt desperate. And he worked for a great man, a manager, Leonard, who was a forgiving man who helped out his hometown people as best he could, he gave away that's right, GAVE AWAY the day-old and about to be bad stuff to folks who he knew needed it, he looked the other way when a customer was a little short and instead offered to let them help unpack a truck "next week sometime" to even up.

This is one of the funniest anecdotes Jim shared and every time I'm feeling a bit down, bored, or otherwise non-plussed I think of this and I howl with laughter, maybe just howl on the inside when I'm at work.

One afternoon, during the start of the friday going home rush he noticed one of the regulars, a grandmother who the whole town knew come in. She kept her 6 grandkids, their dad, her son, was working at a factory 75 miles away and their mother had sadly passed early in life due to a tragic accident, she was Gramma, Momma, and caretaker to many. Times were tight for her and the kids. She was frugal, but her son hadn't been home in 3 weeks with payroll and it'd be a few more days before his return. She picked up a few things, milk, bread, peanut butter, some bologna [yes Jim remembers the contents he packed for her and carried the two bags out behind her as he always did and would place them in the back of her quite aging station wagon, wood pannel sides] a few other sundries. She paid, with a lot of change and was on her way, him following her with the 2 bags. She had a large coat on and was a large woman. She was walking a bit funny, he inquired to her if she was alright, she flushed a bit and said "yes son, I'm fine, just gettin'old is all" She walked 2 more paces and as she approached the door a HAM fell down from her coat!

AN ENTIRE HAM WAS UP IN HER COAT! You see it turns out she was supposed to bring an entree to the Sunday social that weekend, and she had always brought a ham. Leonard told Jim this later, they went to the same church.

So she stops suddenly and looks down at the ham, she turns around and looks, many eyes are upon her.

With conviction she shouts to all present: "WHO THREW -- THAT HAM -- AT ME! I SERIOUS NOW!"

Not a soul answered, no one responded, no checker rang anything up, time stood still. There were several muffled giggles at this point.

Leonard rushes over and hoists up the ham and says, "Grandma Turner, I'm so sorry, my young college packer here didn't double bag your groceries, looks like this fell out of the torn bag. I'm so sorry, please take this ham and I'll have him bring you out another fresh one as well for your trouble."

She welled up a bit, took the ham, said to Leonard that she was so sorry for the scene and thanked him. She told him to make sure he got a double helping of her candied ham after services on Sunday.

That was it.

I always laugh so hard after the part where she yells at them all, like she's admonishing a class of misbehaved ruffians.

I asked my friend if Jim told him other stories and he said he had a ton. I've heard a few others. All I can say is that I hope I can do something like that for someone else, or when I'm in need, however it is, I'll have a Leonard around to give with a grateful heart, forgive me and mean it. I wish the same to each of you!

Lots of love to each of you, hope you're well!

-Lil'sis

Stuff

2009-01-27T10:51:00.003-05:00

We have a snow day today.

I'm looking for new schools for my two older kids, Loud Girl is 10 (11 in April) and Green Bean is 9, so she's in 5th he's in 3rd. The current situation and the one we are looking at for next year in the same school system is not looking promising.

They go to the local public school. LG takes some special ed courses, gets reading help and small group for math, and has some accomodations made. She gets speech, PT and OT, but they are trying to get her out of the last two now and not have them next year, I think she'll be fine with that too so not upset about it. Speech we can work on, and it helps her. The small groups are the ideal thing for her, she has ADD and a large group she just gets lost in the shuffle, she's getting much stronger in reading, but she's not fast in reading or writing or calculating, when she has time she does very very well...it's the time factor and group size that are her biggest issues. Our docs say that her 2 1/2 years of chemo just sort of stopped things at a critical developmental time, it's going to take her longer to catch up, she didn't have a cold...this stuff takes years, and there's still so little research on children 2 and under who've had chemo...so it goes. Much of what most would consider her delay is her quickness to finish tasks, her difficulty organizing and socially she's a young 10, but a magnificent 10 as far as I'm concerned. She's had some recent bully problems, one girl imparticular is such a bitch I can't stand her or the parents and the school has done little in my eyes to fix it. The bare minimum. Also, we just learned that next year the reading specialist at the Middle school she should attend is being let go, and 2 of the Spec. Ed positions she'd fall under also being eliminated, cut backs you see. They'll "do their best to accomodate"...i.e., the bare minimum.

Green Bean is an advanced learner, fast learner, finishes quickly and usually with a high level of accuracy, he's ahead in reading, about 4 grade levels and same in math...he's bored beyond belief and he takes the "gifted" program that they have, which is an extra class 2 days a week and he's bored. He needs to be challenged more and can't be, they say when he gets to Middle school there is more offered, but right now he'll have to be a little bored or do more paperwork, read here "busy work" to keep himself occupied.

This whole thing just makes me sad, more sad even than mad. I'm looking at several options but I worry about affording it...I'll use my retirement funds if I have to and pay the penalty, if I prepare them now for college they will do fine, if I wait they won't be ready for college that's how I feel.

I was to visit one of the Montessori options here today but the snow day has pushed it to next week. I hope we like it, I hope it can fit our kids, I hope I can afford it.

I will pray about this, for wisdom and guidance and understanding. I want to make the right decision, not a rash one. I will inform myself, but the worry...I know I have to give it to God, not let it eat me up but some moments it's just overwhelming.

Kids (all 3) and hubby are all getting over colds, but this weekend my oldest said to me when I was tucking her in, "Mom, you know I don't feel good, haven't all day, but I was so happy today, I had so much fun with you guys, that's funny and weird to me that I can be happy but not feel good." I just smiled. I'm happy but don't feel good too sometimes. I'm grateful for the happy.

Good wishes being sent out to my sisters today as well. One just had hand surgery, she's doing well but overburdened with work and masters' program stuff, very proud of all she's doing. The other has had sick little man for what seems like weeks now, hang in there BG and don't you get sick again too!!! P.S. Happy Ice day off to you as well!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

I have no title

2009-01-08T12:16:00.002-05:00

for the post I mean.

I will answer to many names, Lil'sis, mommy, I have an official title at work of course, HEAD BITCH...but then again being the only one around that is female I corner that market, Manager of Rectangular office Operations, Head crap shoveler for the BOSS man, "analyst", the usual stuff.

But today as I skooted out the door to get some fresh java and noticed all the construction outside my office door on the 'walking mall' that I work on the hard hatted ones hollered at me..."hey sweet thang, lookin good there honey!"

Yes, it was a great feeling. NOT...but on my way back from said coffee shop, I tried to walk smaller, not be noticed, you know how us girls do, and i have on the cutest high heel boots today to, I was feeling pretty before I sojourned out at first. Well to add insult to injury, or really in this instance it's the other way around, injury to insult....I SPRAIN MY FREAKING ANKLE AGAIN!!!! IN FRONT OF ALL THE LOVELY CONSTRUCTION FOLKS...Buddha Girl would surely have laughed so hard at me...and the coffee I was carrying FOR THE BOSS I might add, goes a flying. Not pretty. One man was just sort of loitering around, I think waiting for the bank next door to open and he grimaced at me, oh the pain in my ankle, and he says, "OMG, that looked horrible" long pause and evil glare from me "oh, right, are you ok?" he added.

On a positive note, my birthday is next week and I ordered myself new beautiful boots, a couple of sweaters and new panties and bra, so so excited. My husband just called, my present arrived for me today....I'll limp and smile as I look adorable tomorrow in my new duds though.

On a lipstick note, got a new lipliner and stick last week, I'm loving them. New makeup goes a long way with me baby.

Lots of love to you!

-Lil'sis

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

2008-12-23T15:43:00.002-05:00

We had our work "gala" yesterday, I use the term loosely as it consists of sandwiches from a local soda fountain and beers, eaten at MY DESK, the other blokes pull up a chair and we eat, drink, talk of merriness and exchange little gifts to one another.

This year the boss man was too busy so I got his money and purchased the gifts for the rest of us on his behalf, but we like what we got, just no surprise there.

I believe on the other gifts I've been the receiver of "RE-GIFTS"...it felt like a non-stop white elephant session for me, but I couldn't exchange with anyone else I had to keep my crap...only if it were a white elephant I could laugh about it, I had to instead pretend this was JUST GREAT!!

Seriously, I don't need a gift, it's ok, I'd rather we just give a high five say cheers and enjoy some time, we like one another we have fun, but the exercise of this has gotten so tiring. Thing is I work with only men, no girls here but me and there is one guy I just know his wife does NOT like me at all, evidenced by her gift selection. He said wife did the shopping, he hoped I liked it, didn't know what it was yet, the two of us just stared at the gift and one another and tried to just hurry up to the next order of business....he's a great guy, I love him to death, fun, a good friend even and I guess that's the problem. His frigid wench of a wife thinks that must mean I've got EYES for him....so I get the white elephants.

Finding the positive though as I generally attempt to do, I figure I've got some items for next year's Church White Elephant party, which last week was so much fun! SO I'm stocking up and will have gifts to share.

He'd probably be hurt if he read the above, but I hope not.

We will be sharing Christmas Eve with my husband's sister and her family (her hubby and son) at their home. Always fun, she makes a traditional polish meal, I always ask how to pronounce some it and don't eat much of it, not because it's not tasty, it's good, very good, but she can bake like nobody's business so I love me some of her desserts, gotta leave room for that stuff!

We will hang out at home Christmas morning, us and the kids, I'm looking forward to it, the present frenzy, the clean-up, the breakfast, the nap...then off to my mom's house, my sisters will be there with their families. I love having all 6 grandkids together, it's usually hilarious and entertaining.

Mother is cooking.

Not me, I'll be drinking, not too much, but just enough to get me through.

And I'm off on Friday YIPEE! for me.

Then we get into year-end stuff, and it'll be a race to the end of the year.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY:

I'm going to start something new, and try and post something I'm grateful for each day...I'm going to TRY...

I'm grateful for my iTunes library at this exact moment...lame I know but it's true, I'll save the mushy truly meaningful stuff for another day, but today my library is keeping me going!

Lots of love to all of you out there in the ether, I hope your holiday, whichever one you celebrate, is inspiring, uplifting, and full of good friends and fun times!

You know when you get such a great deal

2008-12-02T13:37:00.002-05:00

and you just have to share about it!!!

Well...my kids are getting computers for Christmas, we wanted to get printers, but the cash flow and all, you get it, well I've been looking and I can get basic ones for $60 or so, nothing fancy, but they'll print, it's all about the cartridges anyhow right? Well yesterday, Cyber Monday, whatever, but I had these bonus bucks to spend at Staples online, AND the printers were on sale for a day for 50% off, so the 100 ones were 50 and I had 97 in bonus bucks and shipping was free, I PAID $3.13 FOR TWO NEW HP PRINTERS!!!!

Oh the joy of a good deal! And they had the wireless-N set-up thingy with adapters for the computers ON SALE and WHAT CAME IN YESTERDAY'S MAIL....MORE BONUS BUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can we say a happy momma! They might just get another real gift, you know a fun gift, not just something to their homework and papers, and webkins on:0!!

Fingers crossed.

On a totally different topic, I think I'm realizing if not for my children I would do nothing to celebrate this season but church stuff, and did I mention lately that the new church we've been going to so ROCKS!!!! If not for my kids, I probably wouldn't do the tree and the shopping and the obsessing about what gifts for whom, I'd just relax, read, maybe buy myself a new pair of shoes and a cool tube of lipstick, aw heck and a new bag too! And some socks for the hubby, he always needs socks.

Hope each of you are well and not crazy with the SHOPPING!

lots of love,
lil'sis

Seasons of Thanks and Giving

2008-11-24T12:47:00.002-05:00

I love Thanksgiving...always have and will I imagine, it's not the food, or just the food I should say. I love the idea of thanks and giving, the sharing of it, the little rituals you establish over the years. I like that it's not about presents, it's a restful time for me honestly, the cooking part is fun, the football, the just hanging out.

That all being said, I'm not doing any of the above this year. We're not traveling to my mother's or either sisters homes. Not going to my husbands family either. NOT.

We're having it with friends at their home, sort of, their parents home actually now. It was to be at their house but do to a family thing on the other side the MIL and FIL can't travel now so we're going with them. To a farm and having Thanksgiving.

I'm a bit apprehensive about it all really. I don't know what she cooks, how she cooks, I don't know some of the family, but am very close with my friend and my kids are with her children. Our spouses get along great and love hanging out together and her MIL who's home it's at has proved many times over she's an amazing cook...so it's not about them, it's about me.

The starting of new traditions.

This is hard for me. I think so much of it stems from the fact that throughout most of my adult life, all of my childhood holidays, especially this one, were always and ONLY spent with my parents at their home. It wasn't discussed where we'd be, who'd do what it was always a known thing. You just knew Mom and Daddy were cooking, all of it, we'd help of course, but they'd insist. It always seemed fun, it was always special. And it was always this way because my Dad made it so and my Mom seemed on board.

She's not. My father died 4 years ago now, I can hardly believe it's that long, it seems like yesterday. My mother has been remarried now a couple of years, OMG I can hardly believe it's that long. And it will never ever ever be the same.

The "Holidays" well, she didn't like it. She never did I guess, I thought she did maybe she did at the time. She was as I recall, generally moody at the holidays, cranky, sometimes happy, but moody is a good word I think. I thought she had some fun but she doesn't remember that, and she doesn't do any of it anymore, and when she does, it's not the same. I mean she doesn't even cook the same, it all tastes different. It's all somehow less to me. I think she likes her life so much better now, she thinks she's happier now, so I'll try and choose to be grateful and thankful for that for her.

My oldest sister has taken the helm and she's an amazing cook, wonderful host, and generally a very wonderful person to be around, I think we all get a little melancholy at the holidays now but I get that and I look forward to a Thanksgiving with her but it won't be this year. We have commitments the day after and I'm working the day before and we have something with my kids on the Saturday after so no real "traveling" or overnighters this year. We'll be home, and just go for the day with friends.

My other sister, Wine Girl, she did Christmas a couple of years ago. I hope she or Buddha do it again. I won't, ever, do it again. Tried and failed and won't try again to have it at my home. Let me be clear EVER. I will do my Holidays with my kids, but the big family part will always involve travel. Christmas it a whole other post or TWO maybe.

So this year I'm thankful for many things, I'm choosing to list some below, but before I do, let me just say even on the days I moan and groan, I'm finding gratitude and that is overwhelmingly mood altering and life changing. I'm finding positive every day no matter how small and it's helping me not be sad, because to be very honest with myself, I've been very very sad for a long time now. I don't want to be.

MY LIST OF THANKS:
I'm thankful for...
- my kids, they are wonders and I love them so much, holding their hand on a walk, talking to them in whispers as I tuck them in, wiping tears and soothing cuts and bruises to their bodies and minds if need be, their giggles and hugs, the way they let me share their accomplishments and failures. Being a mother is the greatest gift I've ever been blessed with. I know it's not what everyone wants, and I thought years ago I didn't want it, but my life today would not be worth living in my eyes without their presence, that's just me.
- my friends, they are few in number but more powerful than the entire Verizon army!
- my sisters, (they are included in the one above too) they are my conscious, my backbone, my rock, they inspire me and give me hope.
- my husband, I'm grateful for the patience he shows me and he's taught me. I'm thankful we decided to keep working on this thing called marriage, that we didn't throw in the towel when others thought we should, dare I say we thought it at moments too, but we didn't and I'm thankful that we're willing to keep trying and trusting, loving and caring together.
- that I have a home, a job and means to pay for taking care of things.
- that my family has found a new church that we feel at home in, a place where discovering a relationship with God has so far been a very beautiful thing, without fear and guilt or condemnation.
- my mother, she teaches me lots of things, and many lessons I've felt I didn't want to learn, but in the end it will all be ok. She loves me and wants for my happiness and knowing that is a gift.
- my abilities, I'm so thankful that I can do so many things if I try, if I believe in myself which is generally the biggest challenge, I can do literally anything. I just have to make the choice.
- knowing how love feels, both to give and receive it.
- living in the country that I do, I'm so very blessed and lucky. I'm free to think, feel and choose so many things as a citizen and a woman. Too many places don't offer the same.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you.

Just a few updates on good stuff

2008-11-18T10:46:00.002-05:00

I do love this new look, I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but that's ok, it's just for me right:)

Things Making me Happy: My kids, they just rock I tell you. Oldest just got her ears pierced, so cute...she's doing well, grades are good, coming along with all therapies, very proud of her.
Middle child, my son...never ceases to amaze me with his will to do more, to want to accomplish. He's applying to a private school locally, very good and very expensive, he only goes if he gets scholarship but he wants it so badly. This past weekend he went through the packet and read the big shiny glossy book and came to me and said, "did you read this? Did you!?", Yes I replied, "How freakin' cool is this place Mom, I've got to go!" Fingers crossed for you big guy, lets hope for some money to fund it while we're at it.
My baby, I know she'll be 3 at the end of the month, but she is MY BABY, and she'll make it a point to tell you all about it, "I little, I gonna grow but I still little, I a princess!" Indeed she is, God love her. She makes me happy they all do, but she's started saying things like "You make me so happy Mommy".."Mommy is home, I am so happy now!" Warms me up

Me, Kate!!

2008-11-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

Your result for The Classic Dames Test...

Katharine Hepburn

You scored 21% grit, 38% wit, 48% flair, and 5% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

Take The Classic Dames Test at HelloQuizzy

I'm not really lazy

2008-08-28T11:00:00.000-04:00

but I haven't found the time to work on the new look bloggy...I'm actually hoping my sister BG will have a hand in helping with it's creative side. I'm not so much on the creative front.

Any ideas from the blogosphere?

I have tickets to a concert, Alannis Morrisette, 12 of them, in the front and center and there's this great pre-concert party, food, drink, entertainment, and it's all FREE, you read it right folks, FREE!!! I get to have a little party all for me and 11 of my friends, and I have 3 people who've taken me up on it and 2 are maybe's...the third just wants to have sex with me and I'm NOT in any way into him AT ALL...and I'm MARRIED and not into that CHEATING thing AT ALL....and I didn't invite him directly, he wasn't even supposed to know about it but a common friend got all blabby not remembering his come on's to me and now he's taken a ticket!!!!!

So if anyone is going to be in Virginia next month, let me know I'll send you all the details and you can come and meet the artist with me at the pre-party....I know you all aren't really coming, that's ok, but how pathetic that I have this and can't find enough FRIENDS to go with me....

Which leads to my final point, which I wasn't intending to talk about here but oh well....I don't really like maintaining friendships...I'm not good at the keeping up of it, the attention these relationships so often require I'm either incapable of or just not willing to give. I've been this way for so many years, since 8th grade in fact, so over 20 years....when my oldest sister was killed in a car wreck I just stopped wanting to be very close with people. I have friends, I have my sisters, they've always been my best friends, since we were kids, I'm closer to them than anyone. I have my husband. My kids. But friends, just a few and that's ok with me, I'm alright with that. I'm friendly, many can attest to that, very friendly, but i don't like making deep meaningful connections much. I call it "superficial friends" we talk about stuff, but if we don't see eachother or chat often, that's ok, no pressure to hang out or stay connected. That sounds terrible.

I discovered this recently with my shrinky, I just blurted it out a few weeks ago when she was asking me about my "friends" and just kept asking shit..." I don't like maintaining friendships!" It was a revelation for me honestly at that time, and since then I've thought a lot about it. I've let a lot of people down due to this characteristic. I'd say I'll try and do better, but I don't know if I will. Believe me I don't think I'm all that, or that folks are lining up to be my buddy, I know they are not...but I've gotten close to people before only to pull away due to no fault of theirs...and I do feel badly about that. They invest the time and I try and then I stop.

Regardless, it's good to know. And for what it's worth, if there are any fellow "superficial friendly" folks out there who want to come to a free night of fun at the concert let me know:)

Lastly, does anyone know how to set up a "donate" button? I'd like to set one up for Sam at Rainbows and Unicorns, (her link is to the right on this blog)...I'd like her to get those J.Crew jeans she fancies for back to school without having to cut into her and her sister's living money.

I was thinking a gift card for her, but I can't just plunk down $100 bucks of my own all at once, I've got 3 kids people and I'm the only working parent, HELLO!!

So a donate button for Sam was what I was thinking, I don't know if she wants it, but I know she wants the jeans:)

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Lots of stuff

2008-08-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

floating around in my head.

Lots.

What to say here,

- kids are back to school, the Frenzy ensues
- we got a puppy, she's so darn cute, a peekapoo, yes a "designer mutt" as I lovingly call her, her name is BooBoo...when she walked into the house she peed, my youngest (2 1/2) says, "Momma, puppy BOOBOO on da rug" Boo Boo just stuck, wasn't what we thought to name her but it stuck. and yes she's had many a booboo on the floors since, but nothing we can't handle and she's actually doing pretty good at training.
- my baby, Beanzie we call her, not so much on her potty training though, a work in progress.
- I'm going to move my blog, rename it, redesign it (I hope) and feel like I can be more honest on it going forward, not sure when the stars will align for it to happen, but fingers crossed sooner than later.
- Snickollet is in the dating pool, her blogging on it is so funny
- Sam at rainbows and unicorns needs some hard hugs, she's a good bean that one, with a lot on her plate, send her some good thoughts if you get a chance.
- I'm running a road race this weekend and I'm not ready, SO NOT READY, at least that is the message the quadracepts in my legs are sending my brain each and every second since my longish run this past weekend, ugh.
- My sisters are funny
- Haggis makes me want to puke, just the thought of it, why oh why DEAR GOD is there still HAGGIS and folks who want to try cooking it...IN A FREAKING CROCKPOT! Say it will stop soon, I'm calling OSHA there must be regulations about ordering a "pluck" and all the other innards that accompany it in the inedible package!
- My friend has a new job and she gets to travel a lot, semi-annual trips to SCOTLAND AND COSTA RICA are a few of the perks, but lots of other shorter trips. She is not married with kids "yet" but there is a sizable piece of me that is filled with envy, i know it's a sin right.
- My mother shopped for my kids, not just the girls which is usually how it goes, but for my SON AS WELL. I felt very spoiled and the kids were happy to have grandma for a short time thinking of just them:)

- late bills, late nights doing laundry, early days at work....nothing too exciting but I'm finding my silver linings where i can, like last night I got home LATE with my oldest, Loud Girl and my son Green Bean from his football practice, dinner was ready for us thank you husband and Beanzie was washed and ready for bed....she crawled up into my lap as we ate like coneheads at the table and put her head on my shoulder, smelling all freshly washed and yummy and says "i lub you so much momma - you wan to seep wif me tonight?" She's a keeper thanks Beanz for making my day all worth it!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

So, it's been awhile for me

2008-08-12T13:00:00.001-04:00

I read a post today, indeed I've been keeping on on all the blogs I always read, but I haven't blogged in oh so very long...well this post I read over at OTR Girl's site, http://sojournering.blogspot.com/, (sorry I don't know how to do the linky thing correctly) directed you to several blogs that she likes to read. I was captured by one in particular, http://samsrainbowsandunicorns.blogspot.com/.... go check it out if you get a moment. Sam is quite a young woman, doing all she can to persevere in much less than ideal circumstances. She writes with a wisdom beyond her years gained from the time she's had to be the head of the house and parent to her younger sisters. Many of her posts as well show that she is a teenager, with teenager worries, the balancing act she is performing is inspirational, beautiful, scary and overwhelming all at once.

Kudos to you Sam and thanks for making me want to blog again.

Lots of Love,
Lil'sis

Arrivederci and Grazi!

2007-09-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

Goodbye and thank you for now. I just don't have it in me lately to blog and I feel like ignoring it is bad in some way. I'll still be reading your blogs, (you know who you are:))...but not posting I don't imagine here any longer...I could change my mind in a month or 2 but for now, I'll see you all in the ether on your comment pages!

Lots of love to each of you!

-Lil'sis

The dog knocked me out (almost)

2007-08-29T09:13:00.001-04:00

I run, I wish I could really say, "I'm a runner" but I'm not, I just run, I love it most of the time, it clears my head, makes me feel good when I'm done and keeps me in pseudo shape so when I have moments of weakness and eat a Ho-ho at 10pm the guilt doesn't overwhelm me so much that I run and make myself vomit...I just tell myself I'll run an extra quarter mile the next day and have a milk chaser. I'm not one of those with a runner's body, you know, sleek, gazelle like, they sort of coast above the ground, barely laying foot to pavement, not to mention they have those six-pack abs that I refuse to believe a mother of 3 can every regain. No I'm short, muscular yes, but there is not a six-pack on my midsection, the remnants of a six pack of doughnuts maybe, or those cute little wine 6-packs you can pick up for a picnic, but no toned hot muscle six-pack to be sure.

In my neighborhood there are these great trails for running, hills, flats, wooded and sunny spaces, tranquil and solitary in parts and near homes and the pool and clubhouse in other areas, I like them, and folks walk their dogs on them, and that's fine, they are very good about picking up the poop or curbing them so they poop where I don't tread, works for me.

There is this one adorable man we'll call him Buddy for anonymity sake, and he has this wonderful dog, beautiful dog I should say, well trained and cared for but still a bit young and prone to jumping up on you with paws on your shoulders and licking you to let you know he's really that big and huge and full of love. I'm ok with it, this dog makes my day quite often, so happy you know, and his owner is very nice as well.

Well I see them while running sometimes and last night was no different, getting my run in a little late, starting to get dark, I'm on the trail and come upon them, naturally I take the ipod off and chit chat and pet my pooch. We're mid sentence and pooch decides, that bead of sweat on her neck looks like a squirrel, I should pounce, and so he LEAPS, and his ginormous skull hits at the base of my chin and knocks me back....on my ass. I'm not graceful in the fall and then I have the doggie on top of me showering me with doggie love...as adorable man watches and chuckles and tries to gain control of said pooch.

I swear I saw white at impact, just a little flash of it. I really thought I must be bleeding, but no, and there is a lovely bruise, but it HURTS SO MUCH MORE than it looks!

When I make it home my spouse asks, "did you fall on your chin?" No, the dog knocked me out. It was good for a few laughs but no sympathy, "that's what you get for running." Like it's a bad thing, like it's stealing hub caps or selling crack on the corner, RUNNING!

First day of School

2007-08-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day of school for my children, well Emmy and Gabe that is. They were excited and nervous, it's a new school for them since we moved and I'm feeling very good about it. When we went to the open house I was astounded by the difference in this school compared to their former, much more rural school. Not just size, but what was there, the oh so very many computers EVERYWHERE, for them to use all the time, they get to have laptops too in their classes...PUBLIC SCHOOL...the other school there was ONE computer lab for the whole school and I say it kindly that it wasn't state of the art. All the supplies, the many many MANY BOOKS!!!! Each class had a wonderfully stocked library not to mention the actual LIBRARY, and the MUSIC and ART rooms were just great. The art teacher showed off the brand new kiln he got over the summer, he's in the NEWLY BUILT WING of the school, which is also where Emmy's classrooms are, B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

I was so happy...then I was so sad. Sad for our old school, those teachers were amazing, did a lot with a little, made the best of a sometimes very difficult situation. It just got me to thinking about the common discussion of inequity in the public education system in the States today. I talked with a friend last night about it and she concurred with my views. No Child Left Behind is leaving a lot of kids behind, it doesn't make the system fair, if you live in a wealthy district, your public schools are better...if not you hopefully have good dedicated professionals who make up for the lack of "supplies" they are given...but it doesn't happen most of the time. Good teachers want to go to Good schools, in Good neighborhoods, that PAY BETTER so they can take care of their own families....I know there are exceptions, certainly there are, I know a few of them, they are my sisters...working in inner-city schools, they are AMAZING Educators, children hope to get them and administrators have nightmares about losing them. But lose them they will eventually. The overworked, undersupported, underpaid and burnt out professionals that are the backbone of education will leave for better stomping grounds.

I know this argument of mine totally leaves out the role of the parent(s) in education, but that is a whole other post. I know there's good and bad everywhere, you get what you get and work hard, but when some are starting at such a disadvantage it just makes the inequity seem very criminal.

Knock on wood

2007-08-17T10:24:00.000-04:00

I love being healthy, I love when my kids and my husband are healthy. So KNOCK ON WOOD, it doesn't happen often and now I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop so to speak b/c in my experience it usually does, but maybe not this time, living on hope in that regard...

I know I've shared that we just moved, bought a new lovely house, are getting settled...yeah! But I've failed to mention that we still need to put the old house on the market....UGH..UGH. The thought brings fear to the surface for me, inside I get all jittery feeling, and ill in my stomach, I feel acid creeping up my throat...I hate this and all it entails. I've been sort of just not thinking about the old house, you know I'm not there, so it doesn't exist anymore right?

Fucking wrong! It's there, still needs all the UPKEEP, and UTILITIES paid, and is awaiting new carpet that I have yet to order, and needs 3 more rooms painted and needs new fixtures in the master bath, shall I continue!!!!!?????!!!! Friggin bull crap #%*&*%&$!!

The agent emailed me today..."how are the repairs/upgrades going? You know that family I told you about that drove by and looked at the house, well they just got a contract on their old home and would really like to see yours...when will it be ready?"

Well that is fab and all, but damn it it's not ready! SHIT, shit, SHIT....SHITTTTT

With all of the husband issues, and Izzy being sick and back to school stuff, oh yeah and MY FULL TIME JOB AND ALL...crap. I told her to give me a week, see if they could wait a week and I'd get as much done as is possible.

Yes, I also haven't mentioned I don't think that we have friends staying in the old house for the next 3 weeks. Great family, 3 kids, their middle child is my son's best friend, they are building a new home, have been for months, it was supposed to be ready end of July, then the builder said, mid-August, and in July he tells them, sorry folks second week of September. So they were going to be homeless for a few weeks with kids needing to go back to school and both of them being teachers, going back to work. Hence we offer up our place for the fill-in time so they don't have to pay an arm and a leg or a child for short term furnished housing, now I feel terrible that we're going to have to be in and out painting, etc. They're great though, and fine with it, but still.

Ok, now I'm rambling and have other things I've got to do....but wanted to thank you all for the well wishes and emails about Izzy really was so nice to feel all that good energy.

Home from the hospital

2007-08-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

Last week Izzy, my baby, was sick started on Wednesday, just not herself, cranky, tired, not wanting to eat, but drinking fine, Thursday, fever, vomited once, didn't sleep well, VIRUS I think...Friday morning low grade, not bad, she's happy, drinking still, I go to work. I get home from work and she's flushed and not happy at all, take the temp and low and behold 104.2...hmmm...could still be viral, administer meds, get more drink for her and make appointment for doc in the morning....bad night, up a lot, high fever not coming down much, do a tepid bath, it helps, she rests some. Meds, meds, meds...doc in the morning, fever is around 103.8 with meds, they say alternate tylenol and motrin every 3 hours, confirm the doses, and that it's viral, call in a few days if no change...ok I say, and call if it goes to 105, ok I say...

Later that day, about 3 whole hours later, we're up to 105.1 and she's got horrid chills and shakes, then pukes, fever goes up a bit more and she sleeps so restlessly, I call the docs, they say, call us if it goes to 106, gothcha....she wakes with the shivers, the shakes, blue little lips, cold hands and toes, I bundle, snuggle, and rock, then heats up, pukes and spikes...we continue this cycle all night till the next morning and we get to a whopping 106.1, off to the hospital we go and she is admitted, poked prodded and all around violated to find her "source" as the docs so lovingly call it...we have a winner ECOLI, fuckers, I have no idea where/when/or how and neither to they, probably started as a mild uti, moved to the kidneys, moved to the blood.

She is home now, pale as a sheet, but smiling, fever is nearly gone and she's taking her meds well, another 8 days of kick your butt antibiotics and she'll be good as new.

I've written before about our 2 oldest kids being very sick when they were younger, we didn't think we'd have more, too risky we thought. Izzy is such a joy, such a blessing and has always been the picture of health, you know the regular ear infections and colds that come with being a kid with older school age siblings, but nothing that needed the hospital. So this initially brought back terrible memories, and of course she's fine, no long term problems, she didn't have any seizures from the fever, so docs think there's no fever related injuries thank the Lord.

We're tired, but happy now.

The older kids are off at camp this week, their final HOORAH of summer before going back to school next week! Can you believe it, the buses will be running, got the new backpacks and supplies ready to go!

Thank you for your prayers for those of you who knew she was sick, I can speak with authority that the power or prayer has done wonders for me and my children over the years, you may not get what you think you want, but you do get what you need I believe that sincerely.

Lots of love to each of you!

nothing to say

2007-08-09T09:10:00.000-04:00

I have nothing to say...i'm down, I have that to say. I feel a bit lost, a bit adrift and I'm looking for a nice friendly shore to park my butt on for a while. I'm chock full of anxiety and worry lately, and I find my only real outlet is running, which is great, reading, if I only had the time on a regular basis, and feeling indifferent, which is just terrible.

It's been a long hot summer, kids go back to school in a couple of weeks, baby is loving her "school"/daycare...love my new neighborhood and the people, an amazing change from our last neighborhood where people didn't share time or talk much. There are these wonderful running/walking trails which have done wonders for my race training.

And shhh, if you could all keep a secret for me, my boss, who is a huge runner/marathoner, would like to sponsor me for the NYC Marathon in 2008, sounds great, until I remind myself that it's 26.2 friggin miles, and the 10-miler I did this past spring was great, but kicked my ASS, but great b/c I finished.

We'll have to see how it all goes, but I thought it was a lovely gesture that he thought 1. I could do it, 2. I'd like it, and 3. I was worth it.

I don't feel all that "worth it" lately. My marriage is difficult at best lately, of course I'm hesitant about the kids starting at thier new school, I've fielded more, "will I make friends, will I like it, will I get lost there" questions than you can count. With their dad's recent personal turmoil in the form of depression, and severe lack of motivation, they've both (the older 2) gotten a new level of anxious when they're at home than I've ever seen before, they worry about him, and I talk to them, I reassure, we discuss as best we can, but it's still there, and it sucks and I can't fix it AT ALL really.

I have to thank my sisters, Buddha Girl and Wine Girl, Amy and Kathy, so very much for their support and encouragement, and willingness to help me out. They have the 2 older kids for this week, at the beach with their own families, while me and baby and the husband are at home doing what we do. I couldn't take the time off but they were so wonderful to include my kids in their vacation together. The time alone it gives me with the baby one on one is very nice too:)

So ladies, thank you, you are wonderful and inspirational to me.

I feel frustrated, like tending to my family and taking care of my marriage are in 2 different directions and that I can't do both well when that's how it is. My family comes first, my children come first. I don't have a choice about working, it must happen for us to eat and live. But then there is very little nurture and energy left for my marriage. We've never had a lack of love, it's all the other stuff that makes us getting along difficult. What feels worse lately is the level of indifference I feel about it, I'd rather be upset/angry/passionate in some way than feel indifferent. He is a good man, a wonderful father and he's always been nothing but loving and caring and generous with me...we both deserve better than what we've got today...I'm hoping it's just a tough time for us right now and that we'll come out the other end of this together.

I don't really feel all that secure saying all this here now either since I know one of his sisters likes to check on my bloggy and doesn't think it's a good idea for me to blog, someone might find me out or steal my identity, or stalk us she fears I guess, but I need to get it all out, I've either absent or so very vanilla in my posts for too long b/c of that worry and I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

Lots of love to you all!

-Lil'sis

THE MOVE

2007-07-18T15:32:00.001-04:00

It's done, we moved yesterday. Last night was the first in our new home and it was great.

We had movers, so can't take credit for too much heavy lifting, but we packed it all and will UNPACK it all now. Mom helped us ALL DAY too, thank goodness for that. The kitchen is done, up and running, dishes and glasses away, fridge loaded, pantry full, pots and pans in their new homes.

I met hubby, Emily and Gabe there at lunchtime, movers didn't get to the new place till 30 minutes later than them. We ate lunch on the floor in the dining room, it was our first official meal together in the house and we laughed and giggled the whole way through it. It was one of those moments of joy that you get every now and again, just pure joy. Certainly moving is a stressful experience, lots going on, too many balls in the air at once, but that 30 minutes kept me going the rest of the day and night.

During the afternoon my mom and I were getting the kitchen done and the kids were playing, the baby, Izzy, has just started a full fledged daycare program/school so that's where she was. The movers, all very cute college boys, were moving stuff in and my mom looks over at me and mentions how "absolutley adorable" they all are...that she "felt like Mrs. Robinson" enjoying the view and all, then quoting from the movie says, "It'a all about Plastics"...I was laughing my butt off at her, too funny!!!

When we finished for the day and had dinner and got everyone washed and settled in for the night I had a great moment with my hubby, things haven't been so great as of late, stress, medical issues, etc. But it was a good moment, just looking at one another in our new living room, picutures on the walls, furniture all arranged and smiling, like "We did it" and "We did it together"....it was a nice moment, one I've been praying for lately.

So, I'm sure that the next week will be lots of rearranging, unpacking, getting settled, but it's all good. I'm glad it's over, whew!

Packing Party!

2007-07-05T13:03:00.000-04:00

We're having a packing party this weekend, so far the only guests that have RSVP'd are my sisters and mother. You think I should be shocked right, and I am, truly I thought lots of friends would want to spend their Saturday helping me pack my house for our upcoming MOVE!

One friend suggested to me today that we pack the china first (like I have any friggin' china, ha!) since when my sisters and I get together, the wine flows freely, then we save the winter clothes to be packed when we're three sheets to the wind in the evening! Let's just say we'll be eating take-out for meals, that's right MEALS. Paper plates will be on hand for sandwiches, but very little cooking will take place in my home for the following week:)

The kids are excited. Green Bean had a great time at the beach with his friend, his hair is all bleached blonde now and he's so tan, that was with 50spf mind you! Loud Girl got home from camp just full of flair! She had a blast and now has decided she'd like to "travel for a living" good for her I say, good luck with that, I can only help finance till you're 18 though and being that your 9 now, 18 isn't far off really. She'll be EuroRailing it in no time and is certain to be my one child who goes into the Peace Corps no doubt. This week she spent at my sister's home over by the coast, they've had fun, but I'm certain it has given my sister's decision to stop at 2 kids more reinforcement in her mind!

Hubby is doing better, the cancer scare has past...all tests last week came back clean on the bladder cancer front, the bleeding has stopped, and now it's just working toward getting his body back in the shape he'd like and his head back in the game so to speak. All formidable battles, but all which I'm willing to be a party to. He is a good man, a great friend, wonderful husband and father. He wants to be well mentally and physically and I believe he will be given time and effort. The first is a given, the second we need to really work at. Finding the will to have the effort to succeed is our biggest battle I think, but I believe in him, if I could convince him to believe in himself I think we have very good chances:)

Work is great. The new house will be a good change for us, the new schools are great on paper, so I hope the kids settle in well, fingers crossed.

The baby, Izzy, starts at a daycare in 2 weeks. This will be a first for her in this type of setting. She's now 18 months, and I think she'll do great. Adjustments will have to happen, but I'm confident that we'll survive it (read: scared shitless, worried about it and hoping beyond hope that she doesn't cry all day and that mom doesn't cry all day either! that I'm not totally screwing up her world with this change)

So how are each of you doing? I've been trying to keep up with the bloggy buddies, but it's not as easy as it sounds as you each well know.

Lots of love to each of you, be well and enjoy!

-Lil'sis

Summer Camp

2007-06-25T12:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we dropped Loud Girl off at Summer Camp, SLEEPAWAY camp.

She did great, Mom held it together until we drove away, I wasn't Hysterical or anything, but I was a bit misty eyed to be sure. I was so proud of her, she was so excited, and unusually independent when we left. She was nervous when we first arrived, but warmed up to the setting and her counselors. It's an amazing camp. It's for children who have or have had cancer and other medical issues that requires medical care, and a very supportive and accepting setting. This week there is a 1 to 1 ratio of campers to counsellors. The counselors are all college students, juniors or seniors, with an interest in education, pshycology, or another associated area. It's fully staffed medically as well. One of our doctors is actually on the "team" there for part of the summer, so we had a familiar face too.

We arrived at noon, checked her in, she got this great backpack filled with all sorts of goodies, she was so excited. We got her all set up in her cabin, she shares it with 2 other campers, and 3 counselors. She picked a top bunk, so that was fun to get her bed made, I felt like I was making my bed back in college with the "loft" bed I had back then to give me more space, and it was nearly as rickety too, but sturdy enough for her:)

Her counselors assured me they'd make sure she does fine, and gets the most out of the experience. I told them she's not the most "organized", I think they got it.

So she'll swim several times a day, horseback ride several times a day, they have crafts, activities, themed days, today she's dressing as a pirate for the day! I sent her an email letting her know I was so happy for her and that I was certain she was having a great time. Told her I loved her AGAIN of course. I miss her, but I'm so pleased she made this step, she really wanted to do it. She was nervous about all sorts of things, but I think she's going to do GREAT.

The house was quiet yesterday at night. Green Bean, (who usually spends his evenings bickering with Loud Girl just out of habit) said he missed her and that he'd like to go to sleepaway camp too....NEXT YEAR, not yet:) Thank goodness, I'm not ready for that.

He is going to the beach with a friend and the friends family. They leave on Wednesday for the coast of North Carolina, for a week, maybe 2 if he doesn't miss us TOO much. This is his very best friend, they've been best buds since they were 4, so in Green Bean time, that's nearly half his life, a very long time. His friend T's grandparents live on the beach down there full time, they retired there, so they have this great big house and always ask the family to come for long stretches over the summer and during the year. This year she invited Green Bean too! He's just tickled about it and wants me to finish packing him NOW, just in case they leave early you know, people always leave early for vacations right? Last night he crawled into bed with me, and we read a book, and he whispered, "momma, I'm gonna miss you, I'll be ok right?" But of course my dear, it's Mommy that'll be a wreck, you'll have so much fun you'll not worry about me I thought. I told him he'd have a blast, and not to worry. He replies, "You'll be ok too?" Is he just too sweet to me or what? I shook my head and said yes, I'd miss him, but that I'd be busy packing and getting stuff done and playing with the baby, etc. He said he'd miss me most at bedtime, since I wouldn't be tucking him in. I assured him again that T's mom would certainly tuck him in, she's a great mommy and he said, "Yep, and she smells good too, just like you, like a mom."

So to all the moms out there, and to those who fill in as moms to all our kids, rest well tonight knowing that you do a great job and YOU SMELL GOOD TOO!

Lots of love,

Lil'sis

The ship of life just keeps moving forward...

2007-06-07T13:07:00.000-04:00

whether or not I'm really involved with that forward motion is another story all together, and I can say with authority that lately, I've not been onboard...I'm trying to get onboard, but keep getting distracted with the intimate details of my little world...damn all the things I'm probably missing being all distracted, probably some lovely views from the viewing deck and certainly some great margarita's at happy hour!

In all seriousness, things are going just fine, just fast. Today is the last day of school for the kids, camps start next week, Izzy will be starting a "day care" program, we're buying a new house this coming week, we're finding it this weekend*fingers crossed*...it's all so very exciting?

With summer comes lots of fun, playing at the pool, baseball, baseball, and playing at the pool...with the bi-weekly trips to the barn so Loud Girl can ride the horses....I do love summer time.

This summer I'm wishing for my family good mental and physical health and a few margarita's too! I wish the same for each of you as well!

Lots of love,
Lil'sis

hey there...

2007-05-25T11:04:00.000-04:00

Relay went well, we're recovered...glad it's over for now, planning will start in the fall so I have the summer to recharge! Thank you to the well wishers, it was more work than I thought, but it turned out well.

I read a funny post today over at Half Mama, and I don't know how to put the link in b/c I'm just not savvy with that, but suffice she's so funny, I love to read her and she shared how her young daughter was cleaning with a panty liner...so I just had to share the following about my youngest Izzy, 18 months old now.

She's taken a liking to playing with tampons, out of the box of course, loves to unwrap them, take them apart and walk around with them in her mouth like it's a cigar with a string on the end....?!?!?!? I have no idea, but if there's one in my purse while where at the ball field for practice or one of the kids games, she finds it and before I know what's going on she's getting lots of laughter from the onlookers...she looks like this tough little baby, strutting around like a long shore man, just plodding all over with her "cigar"...she also likes to grab a couple and bring them in the tub because when they expand, you know HOW COOL IS THAT!

She's my first child of the 3 to show any interest in this paraphanalia. Who knows what or if it means anything...any thoughts?

The school year is winding down here, just a week and a half to go till Em and Greenie are out for the summer...we've got some camps and stuff planned, lots of swimming, baseball, and horseback riding to be sure...G loves his baseball, his spring team is wrapping up, 2 games left, he'd like to do summer ball and then fall ball...did I mention he loves baseball. We're originally from NY, as I've shared before, growing up we went to Yankee games, so hate me if you must but I'll always be a Yankee fan...in July we're taking G and my nephew Pat and 2 other boys G plays ball with to an Orioles/Yankee game since it's pretty close and its the Yankees of course! I'm looking forward to that weekend, I'm a bit nervous about 4 boys for a weekend in Baltimore but hopefully I'll survive. I need to ask OTR girl for some Baltimore tips, things to make sure we do, places we must eat, etc..if anyone else has some Baltimore suggestions pass them along!

Hope you each are well!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Relay time again

2007-05-09T15:51:00.000-04:00

My annual Relay for Life post.

If you don't know Relay for Life, just google it, go to the American Cancer Society website, check it out...they're all over the world, so chances are there's an event in your area on an annual basis.

You all know why I Relay, for my daugther Emily, my husband, my dad. It's a personal thing, and some folks are ok doing it, others aren't comfortable with the setting, that's ok by me...we all deal with things differently. I choose to do Relay. For me it works, I know I make a difference with my action of taking part and I need that.

This year I'm co-chairing the event, that's right the entire event. It's more work than I thought, more rewarding than I imagined and so very very time consuming over the past month it's CRAZY. I owe calls to old friends, cards to folks, a care package that I started and haven't finished to a fellow blogger buddy who could probably really use it, IT'S STILL COMING I'm sorry I stink at follow through right now if it's not RELAY.

I remembered to eat today, good times. A yummy wrap, good for me too.

I think I may be too tired to cry this year, maybe not, I always get the sniffles at luminary, all those lights, the silence, all the people. It can be very overwhelming for me.

We may set a fundraising record, to date where about $100K ahead of where we were last year at this point, fingers crossed.

I have to give a speech this year, ugh, I hope it's ok, I hope I can inspire, I HOPE.

I have to add some new Luminaries to my list this year, sadly more "in memory" of and a few more "in honor" of ones.

If cancer has never touched you in anyway yet through your own experience, as a caregiver, or a friend of someone who's had it...you are so very blessed. If it has touched you in some way, and I imagine that's more the case for folks than not, you know it sucks, it's brutal, it hurts....and for me it was a blessing too. It put me contact with a community of people I wouldn't have known otherwise, other moms who are now my life long friends, other children who went through similar experiences...I wouldn't have chosen this "clan" but you get what you get and they are good people.

If I ever write a book I want it to be funny, not sad, lots of laughter. I live the same way, I want the laughter, I'll deal with the sad, but I will keep moving on, and carry the laughter and the smiles, and the love, I chose to not carry the hurt, the sadness and the remembrance of pain all the time. The memory is there, but it doesn't define me like the laughter does.

I HOPE for a Cure, I Relay for ME.

Lots of love to each of you,

Lil'sis

She's 9!!!

2007-04-23T15:47:00.000-04:00

My oldest child, Emily, AKA Loud Girl, turned 9 this past weekend...we had a good weekend, busy, but fun. She's fabulous I tell you what, this kid really is a gem...even when I get overwhelmed and angry at some insane behavior that just comes with the territory, she's still amazing. Some days she's my lesson in patience, other days she's my lesson in kindness, she's a real giver, wants to make others happy.

We'll have her horseback riding party this coming weekend, and it should be loads of fun.

I'm so very grateful to have her here with me, that she's well, cancer-free, happy, bright eyed, loving, and sassy!

We're hoping to send her to sleep-away camp this summer, she is so excited about it, much more than I am, but I'm trying to be really positive and supportive of it, it just seems like such a long time and I'll miss her honestly, more than I can express, not sure I'm ready to let go like that yet, but when are you ever ready?

I've hovered with her, always there watching waiting worrying...I've been very protective of her, more than I probably should have been...and I'm sure I'll always worry that's what parents do right, but I hope I can relax enough to just let her spread her wings and experience all that life has to offer her.

Good luck to each of us in this adventure we call parenthood! I hope all of you bloggy friends are doing ok, getting by, smiling!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

I'm sad

2007-04-16T13:55:00.000-04:00

I'm so very sad for my friends Snickollet and OTR girl...the words seem hollow, almost pointless, but I wanted to say something.

I'm sorry for their losses in very different ways. For Snick, I hope and wish for her and her family that the very tough days she's anticipating down the road after her mother leaves don't break her spirit. She is a good soul, a wonderful woman, mother, wife....I am lighting candles for her and GH and the kids.

For OTRgirl, the passing of her grandmother too is very sad, I'm glad her pain as GH's has ended, I'm confident the place they are at now is bringing them relief from the physical pains and showing them great joy as well.

My internet/bloggy friends are talented women, strong women, beautiful souls. I'm lighting candles for them both and for their loved ones.

I'm lighting candles as well today for the lives of the students lost at my alma mater, Virginia Tech. It was with much sadness that I read of what unfolded there today, in the building I once lived. I thought of the young people that I know of today who attend this great school, and I worried for them and thier parents.

Many days I find myself praying to give thanks for all of my blessings and that of my families as well. Today I am praying for all of the above. Praying for a bit of peace for these friends of mine, for the children, for the families. I'm grateful for having that, the ability to pray and have faith in something greater than this life, this very transient existence. I'm praying too that I keep my faith, for all of them as well as for me.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

So...

2007-03-16T10:31:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in weeks! Geesh, it feels like days, but the reality is weeks I guess.

So hubby did go to the hospital, a nice short visit. They don't really know what is wrong with him, one ventricle is not working as it should, but it's working. They think it could be a toxic reaction to one of the meds they started, so he's off of that, and on a different one, but could take 6 weeks or so to get it out of his system fully (damn I wish advil worked that long, it would save me so much money!) and then we'll see if the heart issue goes away. He's still not moving fluid well, but his kidneys and liver both look good. They'd like to send him to this new specialist for his lungs, still waiting to hear about that.

In the interim, no one has reoccurred with the flu. One bout of stomach bug with the baby, Loud Girl and Green Bean have been fine, emotionally taxed I'm sure, but good kids. Little Bean just seems to catch all the colds or bugs that fly around. I think it's b/c she doesn't go to any type of daycare on a regular basis, a sitter now and then, but that's really it. Don't get me wrong, I love that she's home for the most part with Daddy, but when our older kids were this age they were in daycare and they built up that immunity...tradeoffs, she's a tough cookie, and oh so very happy. She's got her 2 top teeth coming in this week finally and she's been a bit cranky. She has her 2 bottom, so this will make 4, she's 16 months old this month. I know, not a lot of teeth, but Green Bean was just getting his FIRST tooth at this age, late teeth bloomer, Loud Girl had a mouth full by this age.

Speaking of teeth, Green Bean, who is now officially "7 and a half" just lost his first tooth this week, again late bloomer for that but the dentist said it's fine. Two nights ago he comes in to the nursery while I'm getting the baby to bed, "Momma, that bottom tooth is wiggly now, really wiggly, I'm going to try and pull it a little" he was so excited, I just nodded ok, he walks out only to walk back in 30 seconds later, "MOMMA, IT'S OUT, IT'S OUT, I HAVE FINALLY LOST A TOOTH!!!!" He was so proud. Adorable, he had to plan how to put it in the little box under his pillow, he wrote a note to the tooth fairy too, (yes, my children believe and for now that's ok with me) it said. "Dear Toothfairy, Here's my first tooth that I lost, FINALLY. I'd really like to keep it, but if you could leave me something too that would be great. Nice to finally meet you! Love, Green Bean"

She did come and left him $2 in quarters, he was thrilled, and the tooth was still there in the little box, only it was split perfectly in half, front and back halves, I'd never seen that before, GB said the fairy must have done it to prove to him she was there, her little bit of magic I guess.

I have found a counselor for me, I like her so far, only been once. It's a nice venue really, paying someone to let you gab for an hour, no interruptions. I never thought I had a lot going on, I'm somewhat over committed to be sure, but I like that. I have a hard time saying no if someone asks for help, but don't we all. Who knows I may just learn something about myself that I didn't know yet.

All in all, I think my husband is doing ok...I worry about him, but we have to keep on living, moving forward, etc. I want him to be well so badly, to feel comfortable and able to do all the things we enjoy doing together as a family and a couple. The frustration of it all is the hardest part, doable but frustrating. I feel like I'm not very good at it, I don't really want to get good at managing it all, I'd like for him to feel better and have our life back to what we consider normal. That's just a lot to ask right now, but one can always hope:)

On my WW I'm still doing well, still losing, getting closer to the goal, slow and steady.

I ran my first 8k this past weekend, it was good, tiring, wonderful, I felt accomplished when I finished in under the time I had set for myself. With my post respiratory flu lungs, I wanted to cough one up on the sidewalk when I was done, but hey, you can get by on one lung right.

So the next running event for me is the 10-miler at the end of March, I'm not thinking it's going to be a great success, but I'm back to training now, so with a little luck I won't drop to the ground at mile 8 and maybe I'll actually finish?

I have lots of things I want to post about, just need to find the time, which lately is scarce....motherhood is a biggie lately or always really, family dynamics (I probably won't post on this, b/c I feel like it's not the safest venue any longer to do so) Relay for Life, it's moving along, more work being the lead on it than I thought, the kids want a pet, we're still working to get the house ready to put on the market and I don't know if we should at this point, fitness, food issues, discipline, money management...I'll tell my sisters about things that happen during a given day at work or with the kids, and they'll say, "oh, lil'sis that is so bloggable" but I never remember to do it....the list goes on and on right. I'll get to it someday.

I've been thinking of shutting down this blog for a variety of reasons, I don't know yet. I do love writing on it, but when I just can't find the time it gets added to the list of things I'm not doing a good job on and I need to work on making that list shorter, either by keeping up with it or by cutting it out until the rest of life falls into place better, but does that ever truly happen? For now I think it'll just not be as frequent, but I do love reading so very many of you that I've met here in blog land and I'll continue to do that.

We're taking a trip for spring break to Disney World with the kids. First time on a plane for the children, first real travel for the baby, if anyone has flying tips pass them along PLEASE. It's a short flight, only an hour and a half or so, non-stop, so hopefully not too terrible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they each remain healthy for the trip. Also, any Disney tips are welcome too, we've taken them plenty of places, but nothing this commercial is I guess the word I'm looking for. I don't know how many "educational moments" I'm going to encounter, I guess the history of Disney and Epcot will offer a lot, but this is purely about all out fun, I'm sure we'll encounter many examples of capitalism at it's worst, I'm hoping for the best in all aspects of the trip. I think we'll have a ton of fun if I can just remember to do that and not over analyze or plan too much. I think I can, I think I can....

All the best to each of you!

a few quickies...

2007-02-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

Not much time today....

Billy Joel was amazing, a wonderful concert, if he's in your neck of the woods anytime soon I'd recommend you go, one of the best shows I've seen and I've seen a lot over the years, but truly a great time with my sisters and mom.

I have the flu now, yeah, this is so much fun, hopefully the Tamiflu I've been on for a week will really help shorten it, but I feel like crap. My boss is a doll though, I'm leaving early today for my husband's doc appt. and he said to just go home and rest...thank you so very much. The prospect of getting a little nap before the kids get home from school is just a gift.

Not much change with the husband. Saturday was our 11th wedding anniversary. I can tell you that traditionally bad things happen on our anniversary, it's not been a lucky day for us since we wed, but we still try and celebrate it in little ways. Though the day started out rough, it ended ok, I think if we were both feeling better it could have been a charmed day to be sure. He bought me flowers and cards and made me some homemade lobster bisque, lots of lobster, but in my flu state I just could barely taste a thing. An A for effort though.

We decided yesterday to both start counselling. I think we'll do our own thing and we can go with eachother if it suits, but alone to start. We did marriage counselling once before and it was helpful, but I think the issues we're having right now, we each need to look at before we come together in counselling on it. There's no lack of love to be sure, but the stress of life, differences with the children and how to parent, are at the forefront. I need more patience on many fronts and I need to be more upfront with what I need and expect. At least that's what I think today:)

I'll let you know how the Dr. appointment goes for him, seeing a cardiologist, my hopes aren't high for a resolution, but I guess it's a start.

Looking foward to March Madness coming UP!!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

the flu and other such beasts...

2007-02-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

That's right, the FLU, the damned flu. Gabe and Izzy have the flu, Emily is holding on to just a cold, but hasn't had what they have thankfully. I've got a touch of the cough and aches, but no fever like the kids. Then there is my husband.....Geesh, I'M DONE.

Hubby is not moving fluid out of his body, gained 30 pounds of fluid in 12 days now, he's a sight to behold let me tell ya. The doctors in their infinite wisdom don't know what the issue is yet. Doing bloodwork for heart and kidney and endocrine possibilities, tests, tests and more tests. In the meantime he's in pain, his arms and legs keep going numb, he's so bloated, short of breath, feels like CRAP on a stick at best. Did I mention that he's home caring for the kids with the flu while I'm at work too. The poor thing, I'm looking for a nanny or sitter to come in but the kids have the FLU and no one wants to be around kids with the FLU DAMMIT.

It could just be meds, changes in meds, combo of things, who the heck knows. I do know that it is so eerily similar to my father's rapid decline in health. The fluid retention, etc. I don't think it's like my Dad at all, but it's just similar in presentation and that just spooks me to no end.

It was 3 years ago this past Sunday the 18th that my Dad died. I miss him so much, words just don't convey or do the feeling justice. I know many of you have been to this place in your own lives, so you know what I'm saying. It just is yucky.

I want to talk to him, I want advice from him, I want to know that I'm strong enough for all of this stuff, being a wife, mother, friend, caregiver, provider. He always gave me confidence, a quality I find myself lacking too often these days. I need to channel that memory and feel capable I guess. Knowing what you need and finding it are two different things though...keep moving forward that's just what I plan on doing, keep moving forward. Say it with me now, KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

On another note, the Relay for Life event that I'm co-chairing this year is doing a wonderful job, the volunteers never cease to amaze me with their spirit and willingness to just keep asking for donations, keep having bake sales, fundraising events, etc. It's a wonderful event to be a part of truly. I know I've said this before, but here goes again, if you've never been to a Relay before, just go to one would ya! You don't have to be on a team, or raise money to attend. Just call your local American Cancer Society, find out when the Relay will be in your area and when, ask for the schedule of events. Go the Opening Ceremony or the Survivor Lap, YOU HAVE TO GO to the Luminary Ceremony. It's a wonderful community based event. It's fun, all the Relays I've been to have tons of activities, games, events, bands, etc. throughout the day. Our event has a Children's Walk portion which is great. You may catch the Relay bug and want to participate in a future event, or you may just want to attend as a spectator and check it out, either way, it's a wonderful experience.

I'm going to see Billy Joel in concert this weekend with my sisters, I know I've mentioned this before too, but I'm real excited about it. Fingers are crossed that my husband will be doing better and able to take care of all the kids for the night, that or I'll see if I can find a sitter or possibly if they are well farm them out on play dates or sleepovers with friends. Not thinking that'll happen, but I can always hope!

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow."-- Orison Marden

Hope you all in bloggy land are well!

Lots of love,
Lil'sis

"I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight"

2007-02-13T14:28:00.000-05:00

That was one of the line's in "The Devil Wears Prada" movie that I thought was funny. I liked the book more of course, a quick and funny read, perfect for a bad weather day when I was preganant a long while ago, hubby took the kids out for the day, and me being pukey, stayed in and read this book. It was funny, and I love to read about fashion, though I don't make a statement myself.

Well, today I'm a bit queasy, a touch of the bug that's going through my house and by extension the children's elementary school as well. Just made me think of that line.

I lost this past week, 1.4lbs, so maybe I'm through my plateau, Snickollet gave me some good advice about upping the water and herbal tea too, so I'm trying that this week to see if it helps keep me on track with this. Dear mother didn't have too much to share, I didn't stay for the meeting b/c I wanted to work out and if I didn't go then, wouldn't have been able to that day. It was a good work out too, so I was happy about that. Hubby joined me and we did free weights together after I ran, the kids had fun in the KidZone at the gym, a good evening all around, we had a late supper at Panera Bread, love that place I tell ya, yum.

I was able to attend a charity event dinner on Saturday, my firm sponsored a table, I got to go and my sister, Buddha Girl and our friend Lorna came up for it. It was a lot of fun.

It was for the Make a Wish Foundation, brought back memories for my husband and I. Remembering some of the kids we met during Emily's chemo, kids that took their wish. At the dinner, one of the nurses from the unit spoke, she said that there was this one little boy years ago who just refused to take his wish, they asked several times, asked his parents, to no avail, he didn't want any part of it. When she finally had the opportunity to ask him why, he told her this, "those wishes are for terminal kids, if you take the wish it means you're going to die, and I'm not going to die"...the nurse that spoke said the reason she was so happy about the event is that over the last couple of years, they've made enough funds by fundraising efforts that that fact is no longer true, lots of kids get wishes now, not just terminal children. Extending that has made a lot of difference to the children they serve she said. This made me happy too.

It was a wonderful night, but bittersweet too. Remembering the days of worry, the months of worry about my daughter is hard on my husband and I. It was such a difficult time in retrospect, when we were in it, it was just another day, it was what we did, "small potatos" we'd call it. When I think of it now though, I don't know what made the difference for us, we just stuck together and got through it. It's event's like this past weekend that help me keep my perspective on things.

On a more perky note, it's dreary and freezing rain here today, I think I'll be ducking out of work a bit early to miss the freaks in traffic during the normal commute hours. Maybe sneak in a gym visit if I can too!

By the way, I love my job, have I mentioned that lately, I really really do.

We're hoping to put our house on the market in the next month or so, hubby is diligently working through the "to do list" though not as rapidly as I would have hoped. I like our neighborhood, mostly. I like the children's school, for now. But I won't next year, when they move up to the next grade and closer to middle school *shudder at that thought*, so we're looking at homes closer to my work, and in a better school district, geesh it is scary out there! Wish us luck!

Hope all you bloggy friends are well:)

Lots of love,
lil'sis

It's COLD outside

2007-02-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess I've been too cold to blog lately, more like over committed, again, which is ok. But I'm tired and cold, my toes and nose are cold, and I'm inside....I know stop whining, I'm done.

I'm having a tough time with my Weight Watchers right now, I'm sort of stuck. Plateau? I don't know, I don't think so, I think I'm just mentally stuck.

A few weeks back I was on such a roll, I'd been losing 2 pounds a week on average for several weeks, it was great. I changed nothing really and it just stopped, I'm guessing I need to change things up some more, but mentally I'm having a rough time doing it. See when I was doing so well, my dear mother made some mean comments to me, because she wasn't doing so well I guess. Stuff like, "you can't be eating if you're losing weight like that", instead of maybe, "good job Kirsten, you're doing a lot of hard work and running a lot, congratulations." No, as usual it's all about her, and the thing that really got me is that I don't really even tell her b/c she's always gotten mad, if she doesn't lose, she's just so wrapped up in her drama she doesn't hear other people, "look at my food tracker, do you see a problem...." and on and on and on, people don't want to sit by her b/c she's always ranting on and on and on...you get the picture. But when she does well and loses, let me tell you she gets in your face. So a few weeks ago, I went from losing 2.3 and gained 0.4 in a week, she was weighing in next to me and lost a pound, when she heard that I had gained, she walked up to me and said, and I quote, "ha ha, ha ha ha, I lost and you didn't, HA" With a great big smile and giggle, like it's funny. Now, mind you I never and would never do that to her, there have been plenty of weeks where the reverse is true, but instead of making light of that, I'll say something like, "Well, mom you did swim more, and you said you're feeling really good, next week will be better, just have to stay on track" I don't say, "Mom you really should count all the 'tasting' of little bites of things that you do, eating a bunch of hor de'vours adds up, you need to track that" I don't say, "Ha ha, that's so funny that you gained this week, and I DIDN'T" No, I'm not like that, so how is she my mother?

I love her, don't get me wrong on that one, but I do tire of her self centeredness, how absorbed in her own life she is that seeing beyond that is challenging for her. You honestly cannot get through a conversation with her without her ignoring what you say and talking about herself. A few months ago I was talking with a friend who said this about my mother, and I was skeptical that it happens ALL the time. Since then I've made a concerted effort to really listen to our conversations and see how she responds to my questions about things, and sure enough my friend was correct. Sometimes she doesn't even acknowledge your question, she just talks about herself, or she'll give a quick retort and then steer you back to herself. It truly is amazing I tell you. She's done this so long I don't think she has any idea she does it. It's just who she is.

So if anyone out there has any diet tips for staying on track or WW tips for staying in the game mentally so to speak pass them on, give a girl a little help on this one:) If anyone has advice on how to love your mom but not feel like you need her and need to please her all the time, pass that along as well, but be gentle, when it comes to her I have a tough time, I just can't be mean to her.

Hope all you bloggy friends are well. I love reading each of you, about your families, your kids, your lovers, your daily stuff, parenting, working, all of it. I talk about some of you in conversation as if I know you, "oh, I have this friend who lives in .....and she/he ....when my husband asks me who I'm talking about and I say, "oh one of the bloggers I read" he just smiles at me. So thanks for reading, but more importantly thanks for writing, I'm learning a lot about myself and the world I live in, how I'd like it to be, how I want to contribute to making it a better place by reading you all.

Take Care,
Kirsten

Thanks

2007-01-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the birthday wishes and kind words. Life has been so very kind to me and I'm trying to enjoy it without all the worry.

We've had some winter weather and I love how pretty it looks, but I hate driving in ice and snow, I truly white knuckle the wheel and try not to cry as I swerve all over. I wrecked when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter in weather like that and to this day it really scares me, I should not drive in this weather I am a nervous wreck of a danger to myself and all those around me. I'm looking into buying a home within walking distance to work just for this reason, honestly. I don't know that we'll find something habitable and affordable, so maybe we'll get very good at being "handy" around the house, or we'll just set our expectations for "quality of living arrangements" much much lower.

On that note, I'm off for my drive home, wish me luck...and if anyone else is driving near me, say a prayer, I don't want to hit or hurt anyone out there, but I'm such a nervous nellie about it, the level of how pathetic I am behind the wheel in this weather is lower than guttersnipe!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Crazy few weeks...

2007-01-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

to say the least that's what it's been like since the new year began.

I just haven't felt like I've had much to share with the blog lately, not much of interest, just the regular day to day usual stuff...busy busy busy.

I did have a birthday this week, I turned 34, and it didn't bother me. Actually got me thinking, I was talking with a friend and said that I felt better today than I did in my 20's and she thought I was joking. I really do. I'm in much better shape, physically, mentally, financially. She replied, "ok so not after you got of college, but your later 20's, before you had kids"

Nope, not then either. I had my oldest child, Emily, when I was 25, Gabriel I had a year and a half later, I was 26. Ages 27-30 were spent in a job I hated, scraping by and shuttling my very ill children to and from doctors and specialists, hospital bills and lots of ramen noodles for me and my hubby.

Then I left my horrible hell of a job, we bought a new house, the kids got healthy so to speak...things got so much better. The death of my father and my husband being sick have been the big events of my 30's, then I had Isabel and things since her birth have just made my life so full, so very blessed. I have the BEST job in the world, I volunteer with organizations that I feel truly make a difference, I have faith in so many things that I didn't in my 20's.

Somedays I feel like this foolish optimistic blabber mouth. Over involved in things and irritating to others with my perkiness.

Somedays I feel so tired, stressed and full of worry that I think I should be medicated.

Then there are the days where I'm just going through the motions, a read a blog about this recently, she was asking if there are truly intelligent people out there who are content?

I don't really know. All the moms I know put on the good face, but we all have our issues, right? the things we struggle with, the calendar that fills up and we have a hard time managing, the shuttling from event to event, playdates, school functions, birthday parties, organizing and then taking care of the house and family. It adds up on each of us.

I'm still working on what I said at new year's, being kinder to others and kinder to myself.

For today, I'm feeling good, but that nagging feeling that stays with me, "when's it going to get bad?" is still there in the back of my mind. Things are just going too well to stay that way right? The second I actually think that though I worry that saying it is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that if it wasn't going to get bad before that thought, now that I've verbalized it, things really will, the "waiting for the next shoe to drop" feeling I call it.

I like being busy and having things to do, places to go, things to finish up. I like that, I would just like to shake that feeling of, enjoy it now sister because it's all gonna end really soon. Live in the moment more, maybe that's what I need to try. Enjoy this second right now. I'll try that too.

Back to the bloggy

2007-01-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

With the holidays and all that they entail, I had to take a blog break, it was just too much to write for me. I did keep reading when I had moments, but I just didn't have this wonderful little block of time to actually do a post of my own, (and the one time I did blogger wouldn't or couldn't post, ain't that just a kick in the pants). So thankfully, I do today.

Christmas was wonderful. I had a great time with my husband and kids, and then with my family too. We had my husbands family over on the 23rd for dinner and good thing we did, we're getting dinner and hors de'vors prepped and I notice his right leg is swollen at the calf. I ask him about it and he says, "that must be why it's burning and achy" HELLO HUSBAND!!!! You have blod clotting problems remember...so his sister and her family arrives and I whisk him off to the hospital, turns out to be a spider bite of some sort?!? Must be all that work out in the woodpile he's been doing lately. Home to dinner and happy times with his sister and family. Overall, it turned out well, she did all the cooking for us in our absence and the kids loved having time with their Aunt, Uncle, and cousin without us around.

On Christmas Eve we had mass at church, it was so nice, it was the "children's mass" and prior to the service starting different parish children who play instruments each did solos of different seasonal hymns. It was so nice, these little beaming faces on the piano, and one girl on a bassoon, she was funny, one of the priests saw her coming up the stairs outside and said, "Oh, I didn't know we had an Oboe too?" and she looked at him in horror and said, "It's a bassoon! Not an oboe, they look totally different!" That she said it that way to the priest just made me laugh. After mass my mother and her husband came back to our place for dinner, it was good. They had fun, the kids enjoyed the time and I have to say I did too. My mom was fun and easygoing, which isn't usually the case when her husband is with her. I don't know that it's a permanent change, but I was glad for it.

Christmas morning was fun with my family. The kids really enjoyed the gifts with the baby ( I keep saying baby and I know she just turned 1, but she's still the baby ok) Izzy opened up everyone else's gifts, she liked the unwrapping more than the gifts. When we were done we were off to my sister's house, (Wine Girl), she lives a few hours away and this was the first time she was hosting a holiday at her home.

Well, she and her husband were amazing. All the prep for food was done, they had it all timed and what needed to be cooked when, really a true schedule and it worked out great. All the recipies used were from Cooking Light, which I love and subscribe to and encourage everyone else to as well. So all afternoon you here, "Where's the magazine?" when different dishes were being finished or worked on, I loved it. We had wine and lots of it, we played a drinking game of sorts, WineGirl, me and my mom. When different phrases were said we had to drink. We drank a LOT. Not to much that we were sick or don't remember things, or didn't enjoy the day, but we or I should say I drank more than I normally or usually do. I had a blast with everyone. Buddha Girl and her family were their, I love them so dearly and see them less often than I'd like. I was so happy that her HG could be there with us, even if my mom's husband was there too and that made it a little tense, he really did well I think.

After much rumination on this I've come to the conclusion that my mom's husband is just so introverted that functions with people are actually painful for him I think. More than just a couple of people and he is truly overwhelmed.

The kids had such a wonderful time playing with their cousins and hanging out together. Sleepovers are always high on their list of things they want to do. When we left on the 26th, we waited till after dinner and baths hoping they'd sleep for the ride. Well Gabe was asleep before we hit the interstate and he stayed asleep till we woke him to get him in the house. Emily slept too, but she lasted about 40 minutes into the ride before she was snoring. Izzy, well, she slept on and off, we just turned her carseat around and it's more sitting up than reclining like her old seat was, so she's not liking the sleeping sitting up thing, but she did for the most part sleep. It was a great ride, hubby and I talked and laughed and joked.

New Year's Eve weekend was a different animal all together. This past Friday, Izzy starts with a stomach bug, vomit, vomit, and more vomit. Saturday, Dad starts with it, Sunday Gabe and Emmy start with it. I'm living on my Zofran and Fenergan left over from my pregnancy so that one of us is upright and able to clean the kids up. We're out of pajamas, towels, blankets and sheets, I have so much laundry to do and it's hard catching up, oh yeah, and I'm back to work! Once the nausea passes I'll be ok, I've got lots of stuff at home to mend the masses from the pukes and the potty runs, I've applied more Beadreau's Butt Paste in the past 72 hours than I thought possible.

I'm ready for a nap and a vacation, puke free preferably.

So Happy New Year to you all, I do hope that 2007 brings great things for each of you. We'll all have our share of challenges to be sure, some good, some not, but I hope that we all make it to next year at this time and can look at '07 and smile a bit.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Break a Leg!

2006-12-21T14:31:00.000-05:00

Today was her play, her first REAL play, she was Cindy-Lou Who in how the Grinch Stole Christmas, she was wonderful, fabulous. I was so proud of her. This once shy little girl, who has worked so hard to overcome a variety of obstacles was on the stage and she delivered her lines like a champ, a pro, I can see a future in theatre! She asked afterwards, "So did I break a leg or what?"

The play was followed by a sing-a-long, and did I mention the entire school was there to watch it, 1st through 5th graders all clapping for this little group of 3rd graders, just one of the classes of 3rd graders. They were amazing. I was backstage before they started, and they were all saying, "I'm so nervous", and "did you see all the people out there!" and "my mom AND dad are here and they're sitting NEXT to each other" only to be one upped by the little boy who said, "yeah, well my MOM and STEP MOM are sitting next to eachother and smiling!" (his dad is currently traveling in Mexico he added).

My mother and her husband arrived late, blaming traffic (of course) traffic on the route I drive each and every day which I know wouldn't and didn't make them late, they are just notoriously late especially when it comes to stuff with the kids b/c he doesn't like kids.

Gabe and Emily both had parties back in their classrooms afterwards, we went to both, my mother stopped in at both and her husband waited in the lobby, "his knees hurt, it's too noisy in these rooms, lots of germs" those were the reasons she gave the kids as to why her husband didn't come by to say, "good job in the play" or "nice classroom, is this your desk, great artwork on the wall" nope none of that. It was ok by me, and the kids seemed ok with it.

Emily woke up at 2 am today with a fever and sore throat, I gave tylenol and put her back to bed, she didn't feel good when she got up, but said better, I wasn't going to send her to school, but she pleaded with me, begged, her first "solo in a play momma, I have to go, I don't have a person who knows my part!" We left after the play, carols and party, she's been to the doctor and has strep. Poor baby. I'm feeling terrible that I let her go to school at all, but she was beaming on the stage, the show must go on right!

Today was their last day of classes, they began winter break at 1pm and go back after the new year begins. They were so cute leaving school and saying to their friends and teachers, "see you next year!"

When we got to the car Emily looks at me, bursts into tears and says, "I can tell you now, I feel TERRIBLE, My throat really really hurts!" Gosh I felt so bad.

She's on her antibiotic and home taking a nap now as I type, I get a bad mommy badge for the day.

We'll travel to one of my sister's homes on Christmas morning and stay over and visit. I'm looking foward to it, at least the time with my sisters and their kids that is. I love my mother, but it'll be stressful and tense with her and her husband and all of us there. I'm preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best. Knocking on wood, crossing my fingers and throwing salt over my shoulder to try and work up some good mojo for the upcoming Christmas festivities.

Again, I'd like to wish you and your families a wonderful Christmas, Hannukah (I know it's almost over), Kwanza, and New Years.

As a resolution, I propose we all try to be kind to someone that we have a hard time being kind to, for whatever reason and work doubly hard at being kind to ourselves. We deserve it don't you think?

Geez, it's been a while

2006-12-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

since I've posted, a few weeks I think. Not that anyone's checking but me, but things have just gotten away from me on the blogging front. I've been reading everyone I usually do, keeping up with that is fun I fit it in to the few minutes I find between work lately. Year-end is just hectic for me at work, and at home you can just forget about me blogging, with Christmas activities and regular activities all still going on, I'm completely scheduled. I thought things were wild and crazy when Emmy and Gabe were both babies, but now with them both "involved" with so many things and Isabel and hubby, and volunteer stuff I've committed too, well, let's just say that I'm getting a babysitter this week to finish my Christmas shopping. Most of it this year was done online thankfully. I do like to shop though, especially this time of year, people have generally been happy and patient, at least where I'm shopping, so it's been fun, even when I have all the kids with me and no husband and it's between horseback riding, Holiday kids party, religion class at church for the kids and grocery shopping, hey, it's still fun!

I'm chairing our local Relay for Life this coming year. I've done Relay for 8 years or so now, and I've been on the Planning committee for several years, but this year I'm chairing it with another person. I knew it would be a lot, I just didn't know how much. So far, I'm making it work, but I just hope I can keep it up. Relay for Life, if you don't know, is a 24 hour event, a fundraising event for the American Cancer Society. We plan for 7 months and camp out overnight a Saturday to Sunday for 24 hours, we have activities, lots of them, raffles, we walk around the track, we raise money in more ways than I thought possible. We do a great job. Each year my region has increased our fund total. It is rewarding, inspiring, it gives me HOPE. I've seen the good that comes out of this money, my family has been a beneficiary of the research that was supported by these funds. If you've never been to a Luminary Ceremony, you need to check one out. I would encourage anyone interested to contact their local ACS office, find a Relay and just stop by, you don't have to be on a team or register or help plan it. Just stop by, go the Opening Ceremonies, go see the luminaria, it will be moving, bring tissues. I can't say enough about this event, what it's done for me, my family, my community. Just one of the many things I'm thankful for this time of year.

A few things I'm working on for my new year's resolutions, run the 10 mile road race in town here, I've never done that long of a race before. Continue on my weight loss journey, I've lost 25 pounds and feel fantastic, I'd like to double that total and be the same weight I was when I graduated high school. Probably in better shape too! I want to get the kids more involved with volunteering in our community. I'd like to forgive my mother for so many things and really let go of the negative feelings with my relationship with her. I'd like to see my sister's more than I do and their children. I'd like to save more, floss regularly, and be kinder to myself on a daily basis. Not getting any of these done will not constitute failure, but trying will equal success, I won't berate myself mentally about it, (I hope).

Hope all of you out there in bloggy land have wonderful Holidays, a Merry Christmas and safe and happy New Year's, Oh, that's one other thing, I hope to stay awake to see the ball drop and get a kiss from my husband:)

Lots of love,
Lil'sis

Little Bean is now 1!

2006-11-29T09:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Little Bean's birthday, my Isabel. She is precious, full of joy, happy and healthy. Our life has changed so much in the past year, husband retired, had our third child, family has changed, work has changed, but my children have GROWN. Holy cow how they've grown.

My oldest, Emily, now in 3rd grade has just come out of her shell. My shy girl, who still has her moments of shyness, is now a little lady. She tried out for a play *shocker* and got the part of Cindy-lou Who in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and she'll add when you ask her is a "reader in the play" as well as her part. I'm so proud of her, she's come a long way baby! She loves her horseback riding, now she volunteers to clean the stables and do barn chores just so she can be there more.

My middle child, my son, Gabriel, he turned 7 in October. He's such a charmer, a joker, my funnyman, he has such peace about him, a very good soul he is. And usually too smart for me to handle. I'm so proud of him. He just got asked to apply to this gifted program at the University where we live, wowie zowie, he said, "Hey momma, I got this application today, we need to fill it out and bring it back to my teacher." I looked, it was very cool the program looks really interesting he had choice about what direction to take with it. He said, "so why did I get this?" I told him what the paperwork said, "selected" "interested in your child", yada yada, and he smiled and said, "Ha, so they think I'm smart, they're wrong, I'm a GENIUS" he says then erupts into laughter and walked back to play, he takes nothing too seriously as you can tell.

Then there is my little Beaner, Isabel, we call her Beanzie, or Beaner, I don't know why, we just do, that or Izzy. Her hair stands up on top unless I flatten it, she's taken to having it put into a little ponytail right on the top of her head, she's the female version of Alfalfa. All three of them look like the Gerber baby, honestly, they do, the cheeks, the big eyes, the curls of hair at the ears, but I think Izzy has the most. She has the brightest bluest eyes, we all tell her she's got some great eyeballs, she just bats her lashes and yells "GAHHHHH". Her brother and sister adore her and she them. She is the apple of daddy's eye and has him wrapped around her finger and she KNOWS it. Yes , I know you're saying, she's only 1, but you parents out there and you "Daddy's Little Girls" out there know what I'm talking about. She slays her daddy with a grin. Melts him with a giggle and breaks his heart when she's sick. She's mommy's little blessing, because, I'll say it, we didn't plan on more kids. We were too scared for more kids, and today I cannot say enough that I am so grateful for the fact that things didn't go according to plan.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was surprised, very excited, happy, and mostly scared out of my mind. My first two children as I've written here before, were both very sick. They had long term illnesses and conditions, the likes of which we deal with to this day, albeit not in crisis mode thankfully any longer. I would joke and say if I had a third it would have horns and a tail. In all honesty, I was just so frightened of having another sick baby, of it not going well, of that fear gripping us all over again. I was so scared. I told my husband and he said, "I'll call you back I have to go throw up" don't take that badly, it was just his fear, he called back and was in tears he was so happy but so very scared.

Isabel has been nothing we thought and everything we needed. For our family, our marriage, life in general. We feel complete with her, safe, secure, so very in love with eachother and our children. This healthy bundle of love, this pink vision of joy when she wakes and smiles and giggles.

I cannot thank God enough for this blessing. She has made me such a better person, and I feel also a better mother, I hope I have the stamina for this long journey with my kids. The way time flies I think I'll make it, I mean she's already a year old and if feels like it's gone so quickly. Time is speeding up on me and I want to treasure each second, and then life happens and things just go faster and faster. I pray that I'm doing the right things, making good choices for them. I'm still scared, each and every day, but I'm begining to think we all are in our own ways, it's the love that helps it along. Without that I'd be paralyzed.

So Little Bean, Mommy loves you so very much. Happy Birthday to you and many more! I'm looking forward to each little celebration along the way. Thank you so much for being you and for coming in and completing this family.

Why is it...

2006-11-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

- that the women who work as church receptionists are some of the biggest bitches I've ever met?

- that people smoke in their cars with the windows rolled up and kids in carseats behind them?

- that the woman I saw doing the above on ELECTION day here in VIRGINIA also had a license plate (not bumpersticker) that read "1mn1wmn" = "one man one woman" and a "choose life, don't be a murderer" bumpersticker...(we had a ballot amendment the so called "marriage amendment" to change the state constitution to define marriage as one man and one woman)

- that there are so many bigots, even some people I thought I knew pretty well?

- that people in Africa will stand in line to vote for 28 hours straight just to have the chance, but here in VA a woman gets on the radio to rant that she just doesn't have the time to wait in a 45 minute line, you know she has errands to do and all?

-that the woman from the above doesn't realize that women were beaten for wanting to vote in our country less than 100 years ago, and they fought and took it until they got that right for themselves and for her?!?!

- that guns and drugs are cheaper than most of my hospital co-pays?

Ok, I'm done, I just heard Allen is conceding to Webb...I'll be ok, off the soapbox

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T16:38:00.000-05:00

Hope you all have fun trick or treating if you do that sort of thing. Both of my girls are Cheerleaders, my son is a bionicle, it's a lego robot warrior thingy...yeah I know, I tried football player, but it was a no go, he loves the bionicle outfit, I think the baby is going to cry when she sees him!

I'm going to try and not eat all the candy, but I'm sure I'll have a piece, ok maybe 2!

What i love is that my kids like to give the candy out more than go and get it, we go to maybe 5 or 6 homes in our subdivision, and we go early so they can get home and and give it out and see other kids outfits. We also have a tradition, every halloween hubby makes chili, we eat it together, with cheese and sour cream on top and we watch whatever movie is on the Disney channel and then go into sugar shock and pass out. We toss the candy in a day or two b/c it does lose it's luster.

Tonight we'll have spooky music playing outside and cobwebs and a black light on the front porch, if you're in Virginia, Stop by, we'll have plenty of chili!

somedays are easy...

2006-10-23T12:45:00.000-04:00

and some are hard. Today is ok. But lately I just have this feeling that I can't shake, the feeling that I just don't measure up to what I should. The "should" is on me...I set the "should's", but there just seems to be so many lately, I feel like I'm failing, well maybe not a total F, but I'm like a "high C" student right now in this game of life. I want to be an "A", I've been an A before, I just know it.

It's bugging me, I want to feel some kind of affirmation that I'm doing right by my children, my family. Somedays lately I feel consumed with worry. Stale, stagnant, unhappy even, with me though, not them or anyone else. This sounds so horrible when I type it, I'm not feeling horrible, just so uninspired I guess. I hate always seeing the negative, I want to enjoy the moment more, moments that just seem to go whizzing by. Giggling baby, happy kids, great effort, fun dinners, reading books together...going by so fast and I'm always worrying about the Next thing, or what has to be done, or crap with my mother, instead of living in the NOW with my family. I want my kids to know that I am focused on them, not always looking at tomorrow's list of "to-do's", but with them in the moment.

It just flies by, days, weeks, years, they just go faster each year, milestones just shoot by my line of vision before I can take a snapshot.

I fear regret, I don't want to regret things I missed because I was so busy planning, cleaning, trying to organize, decluttering. Where's the line on these things, stuff has to get done, but when I ask myself? When do I fit it all in and still have something left of me to give my kids not to mention a little slice of peace for me in a given day. I hate that compromise that is motherhood, marriage, life in general for women today. I want it all, and to not be exhausted getting it...that's not too much to ask now is it?

I think I've blogged on this before. Such poor planning on my part not to find the post and link it....crap.

Happy Birthday Green Bean

2006-10-16T16:08:00.000-04:00

Today is my son's birthday, he's 7 years old. I love him oh so very much and want him to know it!

We had his party on Saturday, so much fun, of course the first 3 children to arrive at the place hadn't RSVP'd but this place was so great, they just added the necessary items and it went off without a hitch. He chose to have Japanese food for dinner, he wanted a friend of his to come so we did it on Saturday so he could. The hibachi was fun, we've done this a lot with our kids but the little boy that came with us hadn't, WHAT FUN we had. The chef did some extra fun stuff for the kids too. We enjoyed some sushi as well, which I'm so happy the kids like.

7 years ago today at about 7:30 in the morning, they took little Green Bean from my tummy, this was a planned c-section after my first difficult delivery with my oldest daughter. He was 3 weeks early, 9 lbs. 13 oz, and 21 and half inches long. He had dark hair, which he'd soon lose that would come in blond...beautiful blue eyes and long fingers and toes. He squeaked like a bird, a pteradactyl to be exact, and he was such a noisy eater with this loud strider noise. He had a "floppy" esphogus, high bilirubin, and didn't hold his temperature well. It was several weeks before we found his heart problem but the docs were great and fixed him and his heart well. Then he started to eat normally, didn't turn blue anymore and the strider squeak was gone, we then had such a happy little boy.

He made us laugh with his crooked grin and dimples and still does today. He's the class clown, very bright, loves his baseball and football, and having fun. His cousin is his best friend, he can be a mamma's boy, and momma love's it!

GB, you bring us such joy and happiness. I know each day I see you and your sister's faces how very blessed I am...even when you shove stuff under the bed and misbehave and don't listen very well sometimes...I never forget how blessed we are to have you.

Happy Birthday little man!

Love,
Momma

Moving day

2006-10-10T09:11:00.000-04:00

On Sunday we finally did what we said we were going to do several weekends ago, moved around the furniture in the kids room, taking the bunkbeds apart. We've had the plan for sometime, but life and incessant birthday parties for schoolmates has come in the way of my plans....so this weekend was it.

A little back round on this. We have 3 bedrooms upstairs, 2 downstairs in our home. When we bought our house we did it b/c we liked the neighborhood and the school district for elementary schools, plus it was just barely in the county where we HAD to live b/c of husband's former job as a cop. Not so much b/c we loved the house, it was ok, not the home of my dreams, but had more room, good yard, lovely trees, etc. Well when we moved there we had 2 kids, thought we were only ever going to have 2 kids. Last November as you all know we had our little bundle of joy, Little Bean. Prior to her arrival we tried to groom Loud Girl to move downstairs. We set up a wonderful room for her, decorated, all that jazz. She's slept in it fewer times than I can count on my fingers, and that has been when she's had her cousin over for a sleepover, less than one hand by herself. She's not the soundest of sleepers, she wakes easily, things scare her, you know the drill, the wind is a ghost, the creak in the floor is the boogy man and any noise outside is "AN INTRUDER!!"

Seeing how this wasn't working, we purchased bunkbeds and Green Bean and Loud Girl moved in together, I know a boy and girl sharing a room, but worse things could happen, they're still quite young (6 & 7 at the time of the move), plus they always ended up in the same room anyhow it seemed.

They love love loved their bunkbeds for about 2 whole weeks, a real long time in kid-time. But they've wearied of them...I often hear, "they're so hard to jump on, they're darker than a regular bed, Loud Girl hates the top bunk now (even though she FOUGHT to have it, so in the middle of the night, without fail, she gets up climbs down and sleeps at the opposite end of her brothers bed on the bottom, causing much ado since they are both sidewinders when they sleep)"

We've offered to move one or both downstairs but it's a no-go option so far, I should be happy about it I know, in a few short years they're going to be fighting about moving down there and getting far away from me and dad.

Fast forward to Sunday. I measure, and measure, I get the configuration in my head that I want I measure again, it'll work, surely it will. Hubby comes and helps me take the bunks apart...and low and behold, THEY DON'T FIT THE WAY I MEASURED. He says that I didn't measure the POSTS fully, or the window sill, or the facts that I need to open and close the closet doors and possibly the drawers to the dressers on occaision. I leave the room, stunned at my subpar measurement performance and he configures it. Not the way I wanted, but it works, and he sure as shit isn't going to be picking that top bunk up again.

I'm left to organize, expunge junk, clean under the beds, re-vacuum, clean the hamster cage, hang the curtains, make the beds, you know the EASY stuff that doesn't take much time. I added in cleaning the closet and going through the dressers to start the change of season switch of clothes too. Then I re-decorated all the walls, to give them each their own little space, designed just for them. It went pretty well, until I got to cleaning under the formerly bottom bunk. I saw a few shoes and a stray sock, then when I reached under to make sure that was it, I was met with a wall of JUNK, shit shoved so far and so compacted under the bed I was shocked, I grabbed one of the toys of my sons, this nerf crossbow thing, looks like the Lord of Rings ones, it was sitting right there too. I have to wedge my body under the bed and reach and drag all this stuff out. Shoes that I thought were long gone, clothes, papers, art projects gone awry, books, books and more books, one book that I had already paid the library for b/c it was so LOST. Hairbands, cletes, roller blades, toys, toys and more toys. The list goes on and one, by the time I'm done I have this enormous pile in the middle of the room that used to be clean and tidy, AAGGHH!

I call the kids in, I say, "Look at this pile of stuff, shoes I thought we'd lost, books I've paid for, clothes, papers, toys, all of it...it was UNDER the bed, not just a little under, shoved under compacted under. You both need to be more mindful of your belongings and not leave things around to get lost under the bed." You see up until then I still believed this was just the kids being messy, things fall, get forgotten. Loud Girl is looking at the pile like she's found buried treasure, so happy about some of the finds she was! Green Bean, not so much.

He looks at me with those big blue eyes and says, "Momma, leave Loud Girl out of it, it's my fault, all my fault." Huh, what did he say? I must have had the quizzical "what are you talking about face" on that my children have come to recognize well so he continues....." You know every time you tell me to clean up my room and pickup, well I just shove it under there." Ok, I'm thinking ok, then he adds this gem " I take my crossbow over there and I shove it until it won't go any further so that I'll have room for next time too. I'm sorry, it's just whenever you want me to clean up I want to play so it's quicker, I'm sorry" He has tears now, knows he's busted.

I look at him and his sister, she's feeling for him right now, she's hoping I don't yell or get mad, I can tell that look too. I say, "Well Green Bean, at least your honest about it. You gonna do it again?" "No," he says, "NEVER AGAIN, I PROMISE" Ok, I let them go after they help clean it up.

We played UNO together after baths, read a bunch of books, played on their "new" beds and snuggled, I fell asleep with them. It was a great day.

We had a great party

2006-09-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, Saturday, was the picnic that we hosted for our neighborhood. I had this idea in August that wouldn't that be so nice, there were a lot of new families in the neighborhood that have moved in over the last 2 years and I really didn't know many of them. Lots of them have kids and many of the kids don't know eachother. So I planned this 1st annual picnic. I called it that hoping that it would go well and we'd do it again.

We had one of those big moon bounce things for the kids to play in and they had our playset as well, we had local fire/rescue/police come by to show off their cars and trucks and meet the neighborhood. We had a craft table for the kids, face painting, these rocket balloon things that were such a hit, I should've bought 4 packages instead of one! Lots of food and drink to go around as well. All that attended were asked to bring a side or a dessert, and their own beer or wine if they wanted it. We provided the entree selection and non-alcoholic beverages. It was in my backyard.

It went REALLY well. We had a great turnout, I met many new people and was able to reconnect with others in a different way. I appreciated the excitement people had, the fun they brought. I think they all enjoyed it. It was from 4p-7p, the last of the stragglers left around midnight, it was a lot of fun. One couple that has lived in the neighborhood for about 15 years used to have a big neighborhood halloween party each year and they haven't for about 8 or 9 years now, all the families started having kids, people moved, lost connections except to wave hello. The parties just stopped. They talked about having their party again this year and I think they will now. There is another family up the street, a lovely family, I relate to them well, they are from NY area, not to far from where my husband and I grew up. They share a lot of background as us and we have kids the same age. She is so funny! I never knew! They are having a Christmas party now, KIDFREE! Lots of fun with other adults! They've called about the date already and I'm really looking foward to it.

I was nervous about doing the party once I started planning it, but it all turned out wonderfully. It was such a fun day and night. I had more than a couple of SeaBreezes, my one neighbor made a pitcher for her and I to share, and they were so good! It's like drinking juice all night! Then you realize there some liquor in there?!? We had a good time though, no one got ugly or stupid, kids had a blast. Then again, that could just be my interpretation!

I remember growing up my parents having parties like this all the time. We could walk all around our neighborhood without fear or worry, we were safe. I was 5 riding my bike outside without a care in the world and everyone looked out for everyone else. I miss those days and though I know this one party doesn't change all that, I do hope it makes our neighborhood a little safer and friendlier, more welcoming.

Happy Birthday B!

2006-09-21T11:01:00.000-04:00

B...that's what I call my husband, his name doesn't start with a B, but I'm forever saying, "Hey, B, can you take the trash out?" or some other request.

Well, today is his birthday. He's 38 today, whew! He's about 4 and half years older than me, he robbed the cradle, we met when I was a junior in high school. I like to say I was mature, but I think the truth is he was immature and maybe I was a litte mature for my age. The jury will remain out on that one. We met through a friend, they were dating at the time and we all became good friends. He was always around hanging out, playing cards, going on hikes, goofing off. He played in a basketball league with some folks I knew too.

When they broke up, we discovered that we really liked eachother, making my parents none to happy to be sure, my mother and I didn't speak for nearly 6 months, really. She wrote me this horrible letter, 10 pages long, with a litany of reasons I was too good for him, it was the wrong timing, she didn't like him, "when I hear his laugh I want to strangle him and tell him to SHUT UP" so very mean. She loves him now, I guess. I wasn't a failure because I had a high school sweetheart. I went to college, I'm successful, I'm happy most of the time. I love him dearly. I'm grateful for him even on the days where I'm pissed off at him, which some weeks seems like every other day...but we try and keep at it.

Happy Birthday my dear B! Thank you for being you, for loving me and your children unconditionally, for your grace under pressure, the sanity checks that you give me, the kind reminders that love can really conquer most things. You hold me when I need it, you leave me be and give me silence when I need it. In the face of many adversities over the years you've stood by me, by our family, our children. You didn't fall apart when I needed to and you were there to help pick me up.

I know I never knew your mother, you never did either with her dying when you were 2. But I thank her for having you. I know we argue, we disagree, somedays I scratch my head and wonder what the hell you're thinking, but when it all comes down there you are right beside me. Always loving me and our children.

We love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Go Johnny go!

2006-09-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

So today I'm out running an errand and there is this rasta man walking the mall, he looks angry and he is clapping FURIOUSLY...I've been hearing this for a couple of hours now while I'm on my second floor office working, this clapping, it gets really loud then slowly dies down, like someone is walking by and clapping. I thought maybe there was some kind of event going on and I just didn't have a chance to peer out the window to look. So I'm walking and I hear the clapping I look up and here is angry rasta man, clapping, the man can clap folks, LOUD, and he starts going really fast. When I see him I know what it is.

This is the same man who a month or so ago, walked up and down the mall ALL DAY LONG yelling, "OOOHHHH, OOOHHHH, OOOHHH!" He'd stare ya down yelling it, look to the sky, just kept on doing it, and carried a bible in his hands. That is all. Well, maybe he got complaints or the cops said something to him so now he's changed tactics and he's clapping. I was walking and on my cell phone making a call, when he saw that phone I swear he got really pissed and clapped right at me staring as if to say, "hey lady, I'm clapping her shut your yap!"

If you read my post from a few weeks back about the "go johnny go" whisper street man, you'll understand, but at the moment he was clapping really loud at me I thought to myself, "go johnny go johnny go go go"

I wish street people didn't freak me out so badly, not homeless people necessarily, but street people, they conduct their lives out there, like the shoeless tarot card man that sits down the block, as you walk by he'll holler out to you that you have a knight on horse with moon rising in your second house, like I know what that means...please don't scare me if I have a knight in my house on a horse I hope he's got a saddle bag full of cash with him!

Then there's the teenager, she's got tatoos galore, pink hair on tuesdays and a sign that says, "trying to get out of town, spare some cash?" Hey, I'm looking for a vacation too dear, let me know when you get yours. I feel for her, but she sits there, just joking with her buddies, smoking her cigarettes, from the view just goofing off. I wonder about her life, how she got here, where her mother is.

I always ask those questions, where's there family, friends, mother/sister/father/kids? What have thet gone through to come to this, and then the clapping man, what is making him clap, why is he so mad, I'm too scared to ask him, but I'm certain he's trying to convey something to me/us with his demonstration.

Go Johnny Go!

Yesterday

2006-09-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

I read a lot of other people's posts yesterday and I didn't post one of my own. I was just very sad. I was grateful and proud of the people that worked and fought so hard to save others 5 years ago, for the bravery that they and all those who perished showed in the face of terror.

It was a very cool overcast dreary day here in Virginia yesterday, and 5 years ago it was a gorgeous morning. One of the men I worked with had just retired from the military after over 20 years, he worked for JAG. He always had the TV on in his office, silent, but on, watching the ticker line...he hollers out, "Kirsten turn on the TV something horrible is happening in New York I think the US is being attacked" I turn it on, I see the first tower smoking the people running and looking terrified. I pick up the phone and can't reach my husband or my dad, I call my best friend in NYC, he works at the building next door to Tower 1, I get him on the first ring. He's on the ferry looking at the towers, he's late to work and can't believe what he's seeing, then he says, "Oh my Lord, Kirsten there's another plane coming" It hits the other Tower. The ferry stopped after the first plane hit, it started going back to the Jersey side when the second plane hit.

That night my friend had over 40 people, he knew 8 of them, sleeping on the floor and sofas in his one bedroom apartment that was on the marina looking accross at the city. People got on ferries and just came over to the Jersey side with nowhere to stay or sleep. One of his coworkers called and said can I come over, i can't stay here. One turned into 3 into 8, and when he went to meet them at the ferry station, there were friends of his friends just standing around. Nowhere to go, can't reach anyone on cell phones. They all came and stayed at his place. They didn't sleep really he said, just looked out or stayed on the balcony and watched the skyline, watched the smoke, the TV.

I then got on the phone with my father. He was so deeply saddened, enraged, I can't even describe it well but I think you know what I'm saying here. Where we grew up in NY it was a suburb of NYC, lots of cops and firefighters. He talked to friends back home. The next 2 months would bring a long line of funerals of people he was acquainted with, his friend back home kept him posted. I've seen my dad go through a lot. Loss, pain, injury, heartache. But nothing that effected him like 9/11. He was forever different in several ways after that. He made moments count a lot after that. He became much more introspective and more critical of government than I'd ever seen him. He was a patriot, he had served in the Army. He loved his country and its people. He checked in with all of us that day, several times. He told me it would be ok. Every 9/11 since his death I am mixed with so many feelings, about the day, the people who lost their lives, their families, their homes and way of life. And I think about him and I miss him.

I'm grateful for my life, my family, what I am blessed with. I just couldn't write about yesterday, well yesterday. It is just so raw on that day for me. I guess it probably always will be.

Weighing in...

2006-09-07T12:54:00.000-04:00

Not on anything of great import, I mean literally weighing in....I started Weight Watchers I guess about 7 weeks ago now, or so, and I've done very well.

Those 3rd baby pounds just weren't going anywhere on their own so I figured I should get back into shape. Before I had my first child, I was in pretty good shape, same size as when I started college, a few pounds had moved around, but nothing major. I ran or walked and in college I taught aerobics classes. I loved it, especially the yelling and prancing about with a bunch of friends, felt like my old cheerleading days, and before anyone comments on that let me just say IT IS A SPORT DAMMIT, at least the way we did it.

I launguished a bit, ok a lot, after my first 2 kids, Loud Girl was 9 months old when I found out we were pregnant with Green Bean, and then after he arrived, 8 weeks later we found out about his heart issue, then 2 months later found out about Loud Girl's cancer, and 3 years later thought things were all on the mend. And I must say they have gone pretty good since then. Aside from the illness and death of my father who was an amazing man, I mean just look at me and my sisters, he was amazing right! Then my husband's long illness/issues along the way. You see, I just didn't pay much attention to myself anymore, and I was ok with it, no resentment there, it's just what had to be done, the place in life where I was. It's all good.

So then to last year, I decided I'm getting back in shape, I join WW, start up a regular work out routine, I lose 13 pounds very quickly (8 weeks or so) then low and behold find out that we are once again PREGNANT...wow, this really was not on the radar, we were so happy, very excited, more nervous than I can possibly covey in words, and very grateful to be blessed this way again. So no WW, they won't even let you in the meeting, insurance liability and stuff like that.

So we have Izzy last November and life keeps on moving. Shortly after school lets out for the kids this past spring, I'm visiting my sister, I see some pictures and i think, "HOLY CRAP, i LOOK LIKE A HEFFER!" So I do things on my own at first, working up the courage to go back to WW, I walk a lot more, I'm eating better, feeling better, and then I started back.

So that brings me to today, Thursdays are weigh in days for me. Now, I love this group of ladies at the meeting I go to, I never thought I'd like the meeting thing, but I really do, it's like a mini modified ladies night for me, with a few men thrown in the mix. These women are great, supportive, inspiring and beautiful people. I'd hang out with them anywhere. Just a lot of fun.

But, I had a great week last week, lost 3 pounds, wowie for me, so naturally I'm nervous about how I'll do today.

Just so you know, I don't look at this as a diet, it's a change of lifestyle for me, this is a road I'm choosing to be on, with many stops along the way, small goals if you will. I want to be around for many many years, I want to see my children grow up, I'd like to see my grand kids grow up if my children choose to have kids. I want my years to be full and happy, and not ill. I want to take care of this body I was blessed with. Which save for the regular imperfections a person finds in themselves, is pretty good at keeping me going. No major problems.

So I go to weigh in day always a little nervous and excited. I still have some of my pre kid clothes, and college items too, pretty soon they'll all be back in style I figure, I tried a couple on this past weekend, I'm getting close to having them actually look good!

I did it, and no injuries really

2006-09-05T16:53:00.000-04:00

I did it! I'm so happy I finished, in under an hour, 55 minutes to be exact so just under a 14 minute mile, and I'm sure for some of you that's REALLY slow, but I was so happy with my results. I ran almost all of it, we walked fast for about a half a mile, on the 2 small uphills...I'm new to this and my training was slim so it had to be done, I only sprinted the last 60 yards or so, so it was a good jog the rest of the way...BUT my first road race is now under by belt AND next year I hope for my time to improve, I'm getting a jogging stroller next week from a friend, so can start to train at home with the baby since she usually does my 2 mile walks with me each day.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts...maybe in a month I'll really consider myself a "runner" I hope.

I could walk after, but let me tell you that on Sunday I wasn't sure I ever wanted to WALK again, my hip flexor muscle I think, the one that connects my hip to the knee, on the front of the thigh, they were very angry with their owner and when I walked down stairs I must have looked like some kind of freak, between my staggering, grimacing and yelping you'd of thought I was escaped from the loony bin and off my meds..."Sissy, where's my meds, AAGGGHHH" My dad used to tease us at the bus stop and come out of the house walking funny and yelling that so all the other kids could hear it and we'd feign embarassment, and be laughing so hard inside...well that's what I looked like folks. I'm better now and am happy that those were the only muscle groups to rebel all my swimming and walking must be doing something right!

Lots of love to you all and may you each enjoy the same satifaction I felt when I crossed that finish line sometime very soon!

-Lil'sis

running, jogging, walking

2006-09-01T16:40:00.000-04:00

I think this is how it's going to be, I'm "running" in a local event tomorrow, it's a fund raiser for the Women's breast cancer research center...I'm excited, I've done Relay for Life for ACS for years, but this is just for a local center and I've never "run" 4 miles straight before that didn't involve some breaks and a treadmill...so outside in the elements.

Wish me luck!

You work for my mother

2006-08-31T14:46:00.000-04:00

Oh, this is a good one, one of those stories that Buddha would say to me, "that is such a bloggable story"...so here goes.

I live in a small city, there is a portion of very wealthy folks here, as in all small cities, their kids go to the very expensive private school, that most of us regular folks can't afford, but I'm ok with that. Well, there is this woman, she owns a business on the walking mall of the downtown area where I work. She doesn't have to work, this is her hobby, she has a salon, it's glamorous didn't you know, her ex whatever, or father of her child I should say, is wealthy. I think the kid is maybe in 2nd or 3rd grade, looks about the same age as my Loud Girl. The woman has one of those little trophy dogs, the kind people have taken to dressing up and spending more money on than my mortgage on a monthly basis, you know the kind I mean.

Well the other day I'm walking to the little store to get some water, and the kid comes out the door of her mom's shoppe (that's how they spell it, oh and you have to get buzzed in, you can't just walk into it) with one of the peeps that works for her mother. The woman is in her 40's older than the mother of this rotten little girl, and certainly deserving of respect from this child. Well the little rat on 4 legs is with them this is the conversation that followed:

Woman: (with leash in hand) "you are walking the dog, you wanted to bring her with us"

Nasty kid: "no, you're walking the dog"

W: "No, you wanted to bring her, here's the leash"

NK: "Fine, but you're picking up the poop"

W: "No, you wanted to bring YOUR dog, you're picking it up"

NK: "No I am not, YOU WORK FOR MY MOTHER"

with that the girl hands over the leash and starts skipping up the walkway, much to the chagrin of the employed woman and to the delight of little rat on 4 legs.

Ok, folks, let's teach the kids some manners shall we. The NK scampered off too fast for me, but as I passed the woman and the dog, we did share a look, a look that said, "I'm sorry you have to deal with that little bitch, you deserve better and if she were mine, I'd smack her butt for how she just treated you." She smiled and sighed and we walked on.

I read something that Hippi said today, "there are 2 kinds of people out there, the kind you like to see coming and the kind you like to see going" I, like her, hope I'll be one you like to see coming, and if I begin to be one of the other kind, do let me know. I fear without some intervention the NK above will continue to the be the kind I like to see going.

Lots of love to you all in bloggy land.

-Lil'sis

A few anecdotes...

2006-08-28T11:23:00.001-04:00

Hope everyone had a nice weekend, we did sort of, uneventful, not busy, so that was good.

Loud Girl had a tough weekend, just not feeling great I guess, she was angry a lot, cranky.

So I've written about this couple we know, we are friends I'd say, we see them occasionally, talk, etc., I like the wife, we're friends, her husband is odd, and likes to bring up sex A LOT, thankfully not when the kids are around, but nonetheless, it is just odd sometimes. Well, they stopped over with their daughter and the kids were playing, they ended up staying for dinner, nothing fancy, but it was nice. The next day she calls and said that he left his wallet on my counter by accident, and they were going to stop by to get it, sure enough there it was, I had put the newspaper on top of it when I was setting the dinner table, no big deal. They arrive, say hellos, etc., the kids start playing OF COURSE, and they need to go to their grocery shopping, their child does not want to go shopping. Now I know what it's like having to do this with my 3, difficult at best, so I say, why not just have her stay here and play, you can pick her up when you're done...time passes, and passes, the kids are having fun, the phone rings, "Hey, little sis, can kid stay for a little while longer, husband said to ask you b/c he needs some 'attention'" HUH? Well I say, the kids are playing, I'm making lunch soon, you go ahead and unpack your groceries, and get done what you need to, and we'll see ya later. Just odd right? I thought so, I didn't need to know really, they could've just done whatever and not said a word and I'd not known any different. Funny I guess, but weird.

Loud Girl has a male teacher for the first time ever this year. She loves the man thus far, and I've heard great things about him to be sure. Friday I get home and she says to me, "Momma, did you know that Mr. E plays in a BAND, guitar! They PAY him to do that!" He also has long hair and decided to build his own home many years ago, so lived in a teepee on his land for 5 years while he got it done, I don't know about water or anything, but I bet he's got some really good stories, now she wants to go see him play, so I'll let you know how he is. We meet him for the first time this Wednesday, I'm looking forward to it.

Green Bean is loving 1st grade so far, he's had some trouble with one kid, thankfully not in his class. Apparantly most of the kids are having trouble with this one kid though. He's got a very bad mouth, just lots of foul language and likes to pick on kids, call them names, you know the bully type. So Greenie is telling me about how he made fun of his shoes, called them "girl shoes" and "faggot shoes",,,so what's a faggot mom? We talked, I think it went well, he knows that we don't say that, he knows why, he knows that it expresses anger and hatred for someone who may be different than you. When we finish he says to me that it makes him sad that little LJ is so angry, that he must not be happy, that maybe his mommy and daddy aren't very nice. I'm proud of my kid. He said he'll just keep on being nice, but that when he sees this LJ being a bully he must tell him to stop it because it's not nice, he said he wouldn't hit him or call him bad names but that he wouldn't just "let him be mean" either.

I know of someone with the nickname Bootie, it's funny because I had to say today "Bootie called, to you want to take it?" and "When Bootie calls, put it through", me and the guy I work with found dumb humor in this.

Hope all is well with each of you!

Headache, got one.

2006-08-25T12:21:00.000-04:00

I started the day with the dull ache, and so it remains, gained a little steam but I think the drugs are keeping it at bay, that and the caffeine.

So...the MRI had something of notice, we take Loud Girl to see the neurosurgeon in a week and a half, that's the first available, the big guns don't actually have office hours on a regular basis..but it is a well know doctor in the field, again I'm just so happy to be living this close to a great hospital.

Kids are enjoying back to school, next week will start homework and the fun will be less, no more of the "getting to know you" stuff and down to the real work.

I've been arguing with my husband and I hate that, it sucks, sometimes the work of marriage can be tough, we got lots of love, that's not the issue, but we work it out, when things are going on with the kids it's just to easy to forget to give the marriage some attention for both of us. So we refocus and put in some effort, and stop the nit pick arguing. At least we always can smile at one another, I don't forget even when I'm mad how deeply I love this man.

My boss just got invited to be in the production booth of a major TV network during a huge football game (not locally of course) think really big, and I think it's GREAT! very neat. In college I got to be on the sidelines during a couple of games that were aired live on ESPN, that was very cool, but never in the production booth, that would be neat, to see it all getting made so to speak. And the game that it's for, wow, is all I can say. If you're a football fan, college especially, you'd be like WOW too!

Green Bean got signed up today to play flag football this season, he's excited, no tackle yet, I wasn't ready, he was, I wasn't. I know I shouldn't do that maybe, but he's still a little guy, he'll have plenty of time to put on the pads and knock himself around, I'll hold off another year and let him get a better grasp of the rules, etc., before I let him loose on the tackle field, he can wait and I must give my psyche one more year before I watch my child be willingly tackled, maybe he'll change his mind by then and stick with just baseball, but we'll wait and see.

Have I mentioned before how much I love my job, yeah, I know I have, but I do!

Lastly, to all your road ragers out there....I know I shouldn't put make-up on when I'm behind the wheel, but I do it when I'm at a stop only, at the VERY LONG lights that I must sit at on my way to work. When the light turns green my stuff goes away and I DRIVE, I FOCUS. When I stop, if it's a wait, I'll finish my makeup. Don't honk and yell at me while I'm at a stop WAITING in line for the light to change only to move up 100 feet and stop again and wait for another light cycle before I actually get through it. I know my stop lights, i've done this drive for many years, I know when I have time to get the mascara on, or when it's just a lipstick light. Leave me alone and go pick on some other person, like yourself maybe, you know when you drive 80 friggin miles an hour in the 45 zone while yapping into your cell phone with one hand on the wheel and the other smoking your cigarette...at least I do my stuff when i'm sitting still, so don't yell out your window while at the light to me, while on your phone and puffing away, "hey, put your eyeliner away it's not safe!' Screw you ok, your face is not safe for viewing as far as I'm concerned and the toxic stuff oozing out of your tailpipe probably means you need some service to your 12 year old hunk o junk, and the hairspray and product holding the front half of your mullet up 4 inches in the air might just spontaneously combust when you light your next ciggie, so don't talk to me about SAFETY, K?

You all have a nice day now ya hear.

Oh Happy Day!

2006-08-23T10:41:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day back to school for my two older children, Loud Girl is starting 3rd grade and my son Green Bean is starting 1st. Now before all you teachers out there blast me for celebrating, my reasons for happiness are not purely for having them out of the house.

1. Back on Schedule...this is huge for my family, we don't really schedule much over the summer time months, we relax, we play, it's all good. BUT...especially for Loud Girl, the schedule imposed by the school day and the back to school week really does provide a structure that is helpful. We get in a good flowing routine, we accomplish more, we focus better as a family.

2. Boredom...they were getting bored, TRULY. The excitement they had for getting back was contagious for all of us. We've gotten more done in the past week on the home front than in the prior month, it's been fun. We're heading up a neighborhood picnic in a month, it'll be in our back yard and our neighbors back yard, but I'm the "committee" so to speak, it was my idea and hubby and the kids are onboard to help out. So that has been fun and the productivity in the house has given all of us another reason to focus and work together.

3. Daddy time...my husband is a stay-at-home dad, and although he has loved the summer time fun with all the kids, this gives him some sanity time, just him and the baby each day, he gets more done in and out of the house, errands are done without as much turmoil and planning. In short, I have less to do in my time at home, he can do the grocery shopping with one much easier than 3. He can go to DMV, dry cleaners, and bank quickly and efficiently. He feels better about himself and I feel better about the house running well.

4. WOO_HOO, BACK TO SCHOOL. I do have a few things that I will miss, too -- I'll miss the lazy days of summer, the kids playing at the pool with little care in the world but who's jumping off the diving board next. No homework each night, we'd play games, charades, read together, but no forced has to get done homework. I'll miss being able to talk to my sisters during the day, and knowing they can come up if I had any kind of tragedy during the week, I could go and see them and they wouldn't be really really tired and drained, we'd talk about lots of things and they wouldn't be overwhelmed with life coming at them and having to manage not just their own lives professionaly and personally, but the lives of the students they teach. Because let's face it, that's what they do.

They teach, yeah of course. But as I've said before, they parent, they guide, they inspire, they mold these kids. And unfortunately, they have to do this for a lot of the parents they have as well.

So for all the parents out there celebrating I'm with ya on that! For all you teachers going back to the schools, I feel for you, thank you and I'll keep on bringing in presents and care packages to get you through the next 10 months, hopefully it'll have some really good highlights for each of you. Especially for BG and Wine Girl..I love you two, MEAN IT!

I should just go home now.

2006-08-17T13:02:00.000-04:00

Today has just been odd from the start, I should've known when the baby decided to sleep in and not be my external alarm clock that the world was tilting off it's axis a bit...I chose not to see the signs, I got ready and out of the home EARLY, with my lunch and breakfast??? And I was fully dressed with makeup on?? This never happens.

There was NO traffic on my way in??? What in the heck is going down today, I'm the luckiest little bee in the universe right, so I'm REALLY early to work and I'll get a few things done quickly and be able to enjoy my coffee without gulping, wow, this is good.

Days like this don't usually happen in my world, and I'm ok with that. I should've known better.

I exit the stairwell from the parking garage on to the cobblestone walking mall, it is lovely this downtown area where I work, pleasing in many ways. Pretty, culturally active, offers wonderful eateries and shopping, and a variety of human experiences with a diverse community.

Upon my exit, I begin my brisk walk to my office...there in the center of the mall is a couple, man and woman, of the street version, borderline personality appearing type. They are hollering at each other about who they want to go see and what they are going to do. *not a lot of folks out yet this time in the morning mind you, so they are either partially deaf or just very LOUD people*...the woman walks in one direction the man begins to walk in the same direction as I, he's a good 15 feet behind me. As I cross to the other side of the mall where my building is, I hear these fast, little footsteps, like the padding of a jogger coming up behind me. *pitter, pitter, pitter* then with warm smelly breath by my ear, in a whisper I get this...

"gojohnny, go johnny, go johnny, go"

over and over again, rapidly, at a whisper right next to my head...WHAAAAAAAAAT!

I just walk faster, i don't even look, i know it's the crazy man, crap, what should I say, "Please step back you're invading my personal space"? Well, before I can think about my response, there is this woman walking on the other side, with her kids, one in a front carry pack, and the other in a stroller, she hollers to me, "Come here! You OK! I didn't see you!" I don't know this woman from boo, I walk to her, whisper man shuts up and moves along....he's maybe 10 feet away and she's saying to me, "you ok, I saw that, how odd, you ok?" and he's starts yelling....

"I RUN THE MARATHON, GO JOHNNY GO JOHNNY, YOU RUN THE MARATHON, I RUN IT GO JOHNNY GO JOHNNY"

I have no idea...I say bye to the lady thank her for her effort and comment on her adorable kids...I go to my office unlock the doors and skitter upstairs shaking my head.

Later this morning I had to run to the post office...I get yelled at by the post man behind the counter because the package I'm mailing has DUCT tape on it, and how come I don't know the rules, *said package is not even mine, mind you, but a co-workers whose wife asked him to mail and I was going already so took it* He reallly was upset but tried his best to be nice, I don't think those postal people are very happy.

I walk out of the post office, there is googly-eyed, goggle wearing, traveler man, I call him this b/c he has the big back pack piled high, he looks like he's been hiking through towns for the past 10 years with maybe 2 baths and no toothbrush on board. He has his arms crossed in front of him like he's sizing all the passersby up, I walk by, make eye contact, so I smile, and he says, "Hey, You're just a trouble maker!"

I never have days like this, I've never been a stranger magnet of any sort, I don't make trouble.

I get back to the office and tell my friend who's package it was about the day, he says, "you should just go home now, it's probably safer there"

Any tips on dealing with people who are living out there on the streets and like to chat you up? Feel free to pass them along.

Not too much to report today

2006-08-15T12:04:00.000-04:00

I think I've got slacker syndrome, really today I'm the poster child for slackers.

My mother was coming by the house today to pick up my oldest for a "girly day" and I didn't really clean up much, that is odd for me, I always feel her pressure and I just didn't,,,my hubby felt if for me and did all the pick up and organize crap after I left for work, I'm sure not enough and I'll be mortified later and have to hear her say stuff like, "you still have the cleaning woman come every 2 weeks don't you, she must be due any day now I'm sure" and then this "you know dear, are you sure your husband isn't depressed, by the looks of the house he must be and I can see he's put on a few pounds since he's been a stay-at-home dad, I think he needs to go back to work don't you?" and there's always the "I really thought I taught you girls better, I mean look at how unorganized that place is Lil'sis, you better teach those children better than that, their rooms could be much more presentable you know. You should keep your house well enough that people can just drop in and it be presentable." I like that one especially....

People drop by all the time, and my house isn't neat, but it sure isn't dirty. I have 3 kids, 8, almost 7 and soon to be 9 month old. It's not going to be all that neat if I'm going to have time to sleep at night. I KNOW i could do better, I KNOW i've done better than it currently is, I KNOW I'll do better given some time. I am a bit ashamed of it really when I think about it, I just don't usually have time to think about it to feel so badly.

I have friends whose homes look amazing, inside and out, they are organized, they have things in their rightful place, all repairs and clean-ups are done in a very timely and efficient manner. I do envy these friends, tremendously even, I'll probably get a few extra months in Purgatory for this clean house/organized person envy that I harbor. I don't know why I have such a hard time with this stuff, I try, but I always get side tracked, caught up in something with 4 projects going...on the rare occaision that I stay focused and finish up a project it normally looks quite good.

My sisters have both said to me in the past, "other people will be mean to you, say mean things, don't say them to yourself".

Moving On...we traveled this weekend. First to the beach where my one sister and her children live then the next day further south to the "resort" beach where friends of ours own a vacation home, we had such a lovely time.

Isabel LOVES the ocean, the sand, the wind, the people, the noises. She just loved every bit of it. It was so cool to see her seeing all of it for the first time, her reactions to the different sensations, I remember the first time I brought each of my children to the ocean, and each time they were amazing experiences. The kids body surfed and built castles, and dug for little sand crabs and walked in the bay and caught real crabs and clams later that day too.

The only bummer the whole weekend was that all the fun came along with lots of great food and wonderful drinks of a tropical nature...these all reaked havoc with my WeightWatchers plan that I started nearly 6 weeks ago, I'm doing well, some days are better than others, but I've lost each week and enjoy the positive changes in me and my family so far. But I just put all my food/drinks in for the weekend and am chagrined to say the least about GOING OVER my set points total!! Holy cow, how did that happen, I'm usually so full just eating my regular points they are right when they say "empty calories" a Daquiri with Rum is 7 points, that's about a third of the point I should eat in a DAY, and not filling at all! But I had a wonderful time and visit, and wouldn't change it. Just glad I don't eat and drink like that daily, I'd be a drunk fat homeless woman living in the sand at the public beach in Key West! I did see plenty of them when I visited there too a few years back, but I guess if you're going to be homeless, doing it in the warm soft white sand of Key West wouldn't be the worst location.

I've rambled enough...lots of love to you all.

Anyone ever been to camp?

2006-08-10T15:48:00.000-04:00

I have a friend whose oldest child (7) went to sleep away camp for the first time, she asked, begged and pleaded...one of her very best little friends was going to this camp. Now the camp itself doesn't really fit her personality, she's a quiet, artsy little girl, not the outdoorsy hanging in the dirt type of kid, she lives with a lot of structure and thrives in it.

So she goes.

They get a card today, written the first day she arrived, saying "Mom, I want to come home. Me"

Well Mom wants to drop all and go get her NOW, Dad says No, she needs to know she can do it, she wrote the card the day she arrived, she's probably having fun by now...you see the argument here really.

So what do you do? As a child of 6 I went away for a month with my next oldest sister she was 7, to another state entirely, on a plane, we hated it the first week really...then we got in a routine, we had fun, we made friends and they are some of my earliest real memories of things, where I remember it all, not just snippets or a feeling, I remember it all. I'm glad I stayed, now it wasn't a camp per se, it was the Florida home of my great Aunts, we were pretty much left to do what we wanted and we played with the cuban children that lived next store most of the time and went out to eat at early bird specials and swam with the neighborhood kids and boiled in the heat of Florida in the summertime. The Aunties were old, good people, but old and they smoked a lot and had the largest breasts I've ever seen on any woman EVER, my sister and I called them Rockets at the time. They loved us, we didn't know them well before we went, and I don't remember seeing them all that much on a regular basis after that, but they loved us.

So I know it's different, but we did it. We stayed even though we protested and begged to leave. Probably killed my mom at the time with the sobbing on the phone.

So do you have a good camp story, a good memory, or no? Should they let her stay till Saturday or rush in and save the day and take her home? It's a tough one and as a parent, just tears you up.

How Sinful am I?

2006-08-08T10:24:00.000-04:00

Your Deadly Sins
Lust: 40%
Greed: 20%
Pride: 20%
Sloth: 20%
Envy: 0%
Gluttony: 0%
Wrath: 0%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%
You'll die from overexertion. *wink*

Found this here: http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/

But I couldn't get the format to paste right, so here's my cut and paste version. How did you do?

I'm so happy that my hell chance is low, I knew I'd score low on wrath, thought I'd be higher on sloth, and was happy at my envy results.

I hate being broke.

2006-08-07T15:16:00.000-04:00

I'm sure most of you can agree on this point, I really don't know anyone who thinks otherwise. I've yet to find the novelty or charm in being broke. I have a nagging suspicion that there really is no novelty or charm in it, it just sucks. Feel free to enlighten this working mother of three on this point. Suffice to say, right now I just hate it.

I also hate that I'm blogging on it, another peeve of mine is people who can talk of nothing but there money, either their money woes or their overabundant supply that they need ideas on how to spend it.

I keep feeling like I'm nearing the end of this long tunnel, and at the end, which I'm sure is just around the next corner or pay day if you will, I'll actually see the light a bit, I'll be getting a small step ahead. But I'm just not getting there, I feel so in the dark. I know where my money goes, it's just there are so many places, and I only have one credit card and it's not maxed out....I just want this money stuff to get easier. I worry that my husband will have to go back to work to a job that is just that, a job that he hates, just work for the money. Right now him being home with the children has been such a blessing. So good for the kids and our marriage. When he used to go to work (he was a police officer) I hated it. Come to think of it I hated it more that these current money woes, so I guess there's an answer for me right. It could be so much worse. I can do this, we can do this I'm sure.

The world's a very big place, and in the big picture I know this is all very small potatoes, really not a big deal. No one is bombing me, I have a great home and family. I don't have to worry about IED's or WMD's around the corner or anything. This really is so trivial now I'm just pissed off for blogging on it!

Oh happy day!

Why do people let their dogs crap on the sidewalk?

2006-08-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

Now I don't have a dog, have had one since we've had children, and it did not work for us, she went to a very good home, so don't wag your fingers at me on this, I didn't and wouldn't dump an animal at the pound. When we "babysit" others dogs I always carry the baggie and pick up the poop, I've stepped in my share over the years to know what goes around comes around.

I had to run an errand today, while walking I see this enormous load of dog crap on the way, I can see that a wheel of some sort just went through said pile...not 20 feet ahead of me I see a very busy mom, 2 kids in tow, pushing her stroller...she's tired hot and now she's smelling something foul. I let her know that I think she just strolled through poop, she sees, she sighs, and says, "what more can happen today?" I get her some paper towels and we clean the stroller up. She was not having a good day, and I think this last little bit was about to break her, her eyes looked weary.

I hope the dog takes a poop on it's owner's pillow tonight and they roll face first into it.
Sorry nice lady that you had a bad day, hope it gets better.

Disappointed disashmointed....that's life in the big

2006-08-01T13:11:00.000-04:00

enchilada baby..

Those are words I spoke to my father when I was a rebellious teenager, if you can even call it that, I was so goody goody it makes me a bit ill now even, but this particular evening I had actually gone to a party and had a few drinks, and when I arrived home late he looked at me and told me he was disappointed.

Thus my response. I believe if not for the presence of my older sister Buddha Girl at the time I would have been whacked really hard, but she stepped in and Dad cooled off, like he usually did. I was never hit by my father, spanked once when I was 5 and I remember it vividly and I deserved it probably. But outside of that, it was all about the "I find this very disappointing"...that was the worst, I hated to disappoint my parents, and for the most part I don't think i did disappoint my father really, my mother is another story, in her eyes I'm sure I'm a constant disappointment, from the way I raise my children to my choice of spouse, when I got married, how many children I have, my hair, my looks, all of it never really measure up and like an idiot I keep trying to fix it. I keep trying to do my best in her eyes.

Well I've realized, (not really, but maybe a little) that I more than likely will never change her opinion, she will always "tsk, tsk" me, and my choices, she will criticize in her oh so subtle mild way that is supposed to sound like its a compliment in a round about way. She will be disappointed no matter what I do, so why try I ask myself, and I continue to try.

I've made lots of choices in my short life, some I'm very proud of, others not so much, but they are mine. I've chosen not to go down roads and not to associate with people for many reasons, but mostly because I don't like negative situations or people. I'm basically a happy person, I get through things well I think, deal with what I'm given, try not to complain too much. I can't choose her , she's my mother, and I just hope I don't end up like her.

I don't think I will, but one does worry about these things.

Lately I find myself looking for contentment, I just want an even keel, no drama. Just content, I don't need to be too happy, I can deal with the run of the mill troubles that arise, no problem. Life happens, just your basic contentment is what I'm looking for.

Had a great evening yesterday with my kids and husband, it was nice, nothing amazing, we just sat, played games, read, they put on a puppet show and we snuggled. Uneventful, but so what I've been longing for. Sometimes you do get what you need.

I hate talking about money, it's stressful for me lately, so I'm not saying any more on that topic, I know wishing it away doesn't work so I deal with it head on but it leaves me spent and stressed.

Hippi chick did her list of 5's so I'm doing mine:

5 things Always in my purse:

My favorite Kate Spade wallet
Hairbands (for me and children)
Altoids (hate any hallitosis)
Fruit, today it's an apple, Fuji
Halls lemon flavor, you just never know when you may need one

5 Things always in my wallet:

Drivers License
Variety of discount cards for grocery stores
More hairbands and paper clips
Lint
the charm my mother gave me that is made from the gold/platinum from my father's wedding band

5 Things always in my fridge:

Milk
Apples
Wine
Salad fixings
Salad dressings

5 Things always in my closet:

Shoes, and lots of them
My wedding dress, never to be taken from the packing I imagine
a Light fixture I want to put up in my bathroom
My husband's old briefcase from when he used to work out of the home
A box of keepsakes from highschool and college(letters, pictures, etc.)

5 things always in my car:

Parking card for work
umbrella
tissue box, (sometimes it even has tissues left in it)
2 DVD players for the kids
Books for the kids

5 things always on my desk:

water
papers
calendar
coffee
financial calculator

5 people to tag:

If you haven't done it try it

Moving right along...

2006-07-26T11:13:00.000-04:00

Things are moving right along. My older two kids are away for the week with my sister Kathy and her kids, they are having fun, they call me twice a day and are just so sweet. They miss their little baby sister they said, so they send her kisses and hugs by phone, and ya know, she misses them too, we can tell.

Hubby and I miss them, we really do a lot together I've realized, the house is so quiet, I've read 2 books since they've been away and the house is clean! Can you believe that one! But I'll take my clutter and my kids every day over a spic and span clutterless quiet house.

Saw Mom's new house again yesterday, they finally moved in and renovations are complete, almost. The big stuff is done, their painter apparantely has some issues with the authorities and needed to spend 10 days in the big house, but he'll finish when he gets out she said, "drinking problem" she said in hushed tones... but the painting he's done looks quite good really. It was a fine visit, baby still cries when she looks at the AC, but what can ya do. We're trying here honestly. Mom cried some, she is overwhelmed I guess, moving is a big thing. New marriage, etc., she wants to be happy, she wants her kids to like her and to want to come and see her. She wants some acceptance. We're trying.

MRI is Tuesday, thinking good thougts and thanks again for all the well wishes, Loud Girl is doing pretty ok with all of it, taking it in stride.

Hope everyone else's weeks continue to move right along too in good directions!

CT scans are clean

2006-07-19T09:59:00.000-04:00

Got the call just a bit ago, her CT scans are all clean and her lab work looks good. YEAH!!! Thanks again for all the prayers and good wishes you all have sent our way. We have Brain MRI week after next, Emily is going away for a week of fun in the sun with her cousins and brother b/c her mommy has to work, but she'll enjoy I'm sure.

Hopefully worst case scenario now is that it's just a flare up of her Opsoclonas Myoclonas (an antibody from her cancer that makes her have the shakes, stumbles, etc.) Chemo doesn't always kill the immune system enough to make it forget how to make this, it is just always there and kids get flare ups, etc. Emily has managed hers very well over the years with flare ups only when she gets sick for extended periods, but really done very well. In the case that it's that, we could do a few months of steriod and IVIG therapy. So let's pull for a nice clean brain MRI.

Thanks again all.

lots of love,
lil'sis

No news is good news.

2006-07-18T16:24:00.000-04:00

Emily had her scans today, nothing to report except that she got through them with only getting a little sick and a little scared. She was a trooper, we're off to Toys R Us tonight for the latest toy that suits her fancy under $25! Yipee, so much quality things to choose from really, ha! We should have results 24-48 hours but hopefully on the early side of that, the tech and our regular doc put in the request to have an "early read" done on the series, so we're keeping fingers crossed for positive results, I'm feeling good about it.

Write you all again soon and thank you all so very much for all the good thoughts, well wishes and prayers!

Control Freak, not really

2006-07-17T11:57:00.000-04:00

You Are 36% Control Freak

You have achieved the perfect balance of control and letting go.You tend to roll with whatever life brings, but you never get complacent.

Are You A Control Freak?

I saw this on a few other blogs that I read, and just had to see how I'd do, how about you?

Quick update

2006-07-12T16:41:00.000-04:00

Scans next week and then 2 weeks after that, I just love waiting. Happy thoughts.

Thanks for all the well wishes, this morning while helping her get dressed, she says to me, "Hey Momma, are the doctors gonna make me stop stumbling, is that what they're trying to do cause I'd really like to stop stumbling and being so clumsy ok"

Ok baby, we'll work on it.

I had a bad day

2006-07-11T12:10:00.000-04:00

I had a bad day yesterday, I've had worse to be sure, and there were some highlights but overall a downer.

My oldest, Loud Girl, as her auntie affectionately calls her hasn't been feeling well as of late. She is a cancer survivor as I've posted on before. Well over the past month or so she just hasn't been feeling great. Her headaches are back, her tummy aches, she's got a bit of her tremors back, and lots of clumsiness. Her eyes have been "dancing" as the doctors say, but just a little. All of it just a little, but her belly has been hurting more and more frequently and it has gotten a bit swollen I guess you'd say. At first I thought, well maybe too many snacks, and that still may be the case, we just don't know yet.

The doc thinks it's something, not sure what but something. Could be in her brain or in her belly, could be something all together different. Who knows. So we go in for more CT scans and an MRI over the course of the next few weeks. We have labs run and we check things. Her chances of reoccurance are low, but as the doc said yesterday, "not zero", but low. The brain issue is a different animal all its own, a problem we found out about several years ago during one of her oncology scans, may or may not be an issue. We'll see I guess. Appointments take time, then results take time as I'm sure many of you know unfortunately, waiting for results is tiring, stressful, draining, angst ridden. Not much more to say about that.

HOWEVER, on to the topic of the front desk staff at the oncology center, they are filling in for the woman I usually work with, she's taken the summer off the good lady, lucky her I say, she does a damn fine job, she has a heart. Now the 2, yes that is correct, 2 lazy mean bitches who are filling in for this ONE woman stink! They are heinous, ugly, bad hair to boot! Heartless, selfish pigs. Trash to put it bluntly. I don't like them can you tell. They were only cordial to me when they found out that my mother was a nurse on that unit up until she retired 2 months ago, when they realized that I'm family friends with the 4 staff nurses on the unit, that I go to BBQ's at the docs house every summer. That's when they were nice, because they had to be. That just got me so MAD. I wanted to say to TRACY, "Dear, no one is here because they want to be, these aren't well visits we're scheduling, these people, these CHILDREN, are sick, their parents are scared, you owe it to them to be a bit nicer, I don't care about your bad day or your good for nothing man at home or the poor dental quality you possess, BE NICER"

I didn't, I glared at her, I did ask her to make her best efforts on scheduling my daughters scans, I thanked her even. Well, I won't be thanking her again. She is dumb, as a bag of hammers. She called me today and was an idiot, my name is not that hard to say, try phonetically pronouncing, people won't get upset if they know you're making an effort, well she botched the name horrible, FIRST and LAST, and when I said it to her, she says, "I need Loud Girls mother"...without too much here I'll just say she is not performing her job well. I know my opinion is colored right now by that of a nervous and scared Mommy, but it is what it is. Maybe someday I'll be the better person who will apologize for my less than polite discussion, but not today. Forgive me.

Not much else to report on it. My daughter is nervous, when she found out that she has to go for scans she was at first scared, then she was PISSED, " I don't want any sticks!!! This sucks!!!" Yes that from my 8 year old, sticks are what she calls needles and IV's, and this should be a lot of fun. If you've never had the horrible experience of having to hold your child down so a staff member can get the needle let me tell you it's not a good memory to make. Husband is close to being paralyzed with fear right now, he said he just can't talk about it right now. He's had some bad dreams about it and said he can't go down the road of possibilities right now I guess. He's called me a couple of times today to see how I am. Loud Girl is home today from her summer program, she had a headache when she got up, so he put her back to bed where she still is for now. I felt ok yesterday, really ok, we don't know anything either way, just have to wait and see....but this morning on the way to work, I was upset, mad, scared. I don't want this for her again, for our family again. She will remember so much more of it now, she was just a baby before, she remembers things, but not a lot of it. More than I thought but thankfully less than all of it. She'll remember all of this.

So if you're a praying person, or you talk to voices, or you have any kind of higher power in which you seek strength, faith, patience and wisdom, ask them to send some the way of Loud Girl and family.

In Honor of Buddha Girls Hair Debacle

2006-06-30T15:02:00.000-04:00

Your Hair Should Be Pink

Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun.You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

So what is your inner hair color? I must say I was surprised at mine, but I do love PINK

Thank you Hippi

2006-06-30T14:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Hippi for her guidance on listing my links, I tried the blogroller thing that Cad suggested, but I'm a dork, I have an account there now but have NO IDEA how to use it. So thanks again Hippi, sorry I interrupted your lunch.

Also, if I listed you on my links and you do not want to be there, let me know, they are just a small list of some of the sites I enjoy reading.

How to?

2006-06-29T14:56:00.000-04:00

Can someone tell me in simple steps, how to post the links to the blogs I like to read on my page? I should know how to do this, but I don't and I figured it would be easier to ask you all then research it and figure it out, you all are the pros right? If you need information of any kind go the the pros in that particular area, that's what my dad always said....

So tell me please.

Other matters: Isabel is back to herself, sleeping happily through the night, taking her naps faithfully for the most part. Who knows, a growth spurt maybe.

I saw a man get chased on foot today by police, the pharmacist and the counter clerk from the local pharmacy, he stole his prescription it looked like. If I ever have to go the way of stealing and theivery, ( I don't think this will happen, I'm not inclined to steal, too scary, and prison would not agree with my delicate constitution) I will make sure to do it when this officer is on duty. The pharmacist and counter clerk were running way ahead of him and they look back and yell, "Come on, he's getting away!" The pharmacist was a fast person, she was on his tail quick, the counter clerk wasn't a "runner" but she was holding her own. The poor police man was staggering. Now I'm not knocking police people in general, that is husband's profession before early retirement to be stay at home dad, but they have exercise facilities at the precincts for a reason.

Update on the friend of husband's that had the unfortunate "video tape" incident as described in a previous post, he's not talking to us anymore. Don't know why, don't really care why. I have a finite amount of time here and I choose to spend it wisely, doing things that make me happy with my kids, my husband, my family and friends. People that like me for me, not what they want from me. I can't pick my crazy family God love them, but I can pick my friends.

Anyone ever see Willie Nelson in concert? If so, how was it? I only know "mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys" and am not all that familiar with the genre as a whole, any insights here are welcomed.

I've spoken before about my job, how I truly love what I do and where and with whom I work. I had my review, and the boss agrees, YIPEE!! It went very well, I was very surprised, happy, relieved and grateful. Knowing you are appreciated is a great thing, employees everywhere should always be so fortunate. This has taken a real load off, we've been hanging on and getting by, but we've been worried. The choice we came too having him stay home with the kids really makes the most sense whichever way we looked at it for so many reasons. Now it's ok, our choice will work out.

Hope everyone in bloggyland is having a great day!

I don't really believe the diagnosis...

2006-06-27T10:20:00.000-04:00

I should've mentioned that yesterday. Isabel has never had any trouble sleeping, like I said she's been sleeping through the night since about 6 weeks old, except when she was sick with fever, but that's true for all my kids.

So last night we were worried, but guess what. I put her down in her crib AWAKE, and she fell asleep, ON HER OWN, no crying. We do use soft music, it times out after 10 or 15 minutes I think. She didn't wake up till 6:45 am to eat. I should add that yesterday she did get both of her naps in, good naps, and we didn't put her down as early as we had been. Kept her up an extra 45 minutes or so. Hubby did some research I guess and felt these would be good things to try. She's always taken naps, but in the past week her schedule has been off. I know it's not a pattern yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for tonight.

On another note, my dear mother came over tonight with her new husband. Try as they might, they just don't really like us. I said as much. The response was, "Oh, don't be silly, he likes you all just fine" *this was out of his presence, and she was trying so hard to convince me, so I know he doesn't really like us but does want there to be a level of comfort*for my mother's sake I think* She brought boxes of her hand me downs, bowls, cannister set, draperies, various items that she thought I could use, then she brought the DAD box.

My father, if you don't already know, died in February of 2004. We were all very close to him, it was a long dying process. He had lupus, heart and lung disease, and lastly lung cancer. He was in hospice, and his death and dying never defined who he was.

Well the DAD box consisted of items of his. Mugs I had given him, hats I had given him (he loved baseball hats, and some very stylish hats as well), he was a huge NY Giants fan, season ticket holder all my life, we are all fans to this day. Well, he went to the SuperBowls when they were in them and would get the plaque of the team at the end of the winning seasons, well this plaque was in the BOX. One of the hats was his favorite, BG knows the one, it's in the picture she swiped from mom's house, the USS Connolly hat that he had on in the wedding shot. (That was the ship my brother in law was on when he was in the Navy). Lots of little treasures for me, for my family, but I guess I had a look on my face. Mother says, "Well I kept a couple of his hats, they are mine and that's it, MINE, but I have no use for all this stuff, I don't want to just keep it all in a box, thought you all might have a use for some of it." I understand, I do, BUT, there are things I just keep in a box. They don't have any implied USE, they just are. They are little memories. We all have them I thought, we all keep things like this, I thought. Maybe she just can't anymore, maybe it's just too much for her. I know she has items like this of my sister's, a large chest of drawings and sketches that she'd done. Cards and notes she'd written, pictures, etc. They don't have a use they just are.

I want to understand my mother, I just don't. She's experienced more loss in her life than I, and I hope I never have to, the loss of 2 husbands, the death of a child. There is only so much one can bear I guess. She has faith, I think it guides her, but I think also for her now her life is more about survival, finding happiness, or what she perceives as such, for the remainder of her days. I think she's giving up a lot to go down the road she's chosen, but for her it must make sense. I just miss who she used to be. I see flashes of it, and I have good times, moments really, with her. I want to be able to accept things the way they are. I'm just having a hard time doing it. My new tactic will be to try and let it go, let go of the worry and concern and just to be when I'm with her. If she needs me she knows where I am and my door is always open.

Separation Anxiety

2006-06-26T13:20:00.000-04:00

The baby has it. That's what the doc said to hubby this morning when he took her in for what we thought must just HAVE to be another round of ear infections. She was up nearly every hour on the hour on Sat and Sunday nights, and she's been sleeping through the night since she's 6 weeks old, until now of course. No fever, no stuffy nose, so we thought maybe just no symptoms, (I know it sounds so dumb now that I write it out, but we believed it in our state of sleep deprivation).

We need to start letting her "cry it out", now I didn't do this with my first 2 children, they were both sick as you may have read on earlier posts, they never cried it out. Isabel is healthy, I should be able to do this, but I know I won't or can't or both I guess. I've never been a fan of the "method" as I've read it over the years. I will try my best. We will try. We more than likely will fail miserably at this, but we'll try. Any suggestions are welcome on this one, or just some moral support will do to.

Now hubby and I have separation anxiety of our own, the separation from our nightly sleep is causing a good bit of anxiety on our part, will we ever sleep again? yes, i'm sure we will. Right?

It's not like she's an infant so much anymore, we're not literally up every 2-3 hours feeding for 30 minutes at a time, I know I'll try not to whine anymore. I'm just so tired.....

MIS communication

2006-06-22T10:19:00.000-04:00

So they DID NOT fire the woman who throws basketballs at young children's heads and laughs, nope, when the director told my friend and her child, "I've taken care of her, you won't have to worry about her ANYMORE" What she meant was, I told the girl to keep her trap shut and not abuse the children so overtly any longer, she'll just do it in a nice quiet way that the kids won't be sure about for the rest of the summer.

I feel so badly for my friend. She can afford this program, she cannot afford most of the others in our area. She HAS to work, so does her husband. Her family is not local. Her inlaws are going to take her daughter for a week out to thier farm, her child loves these visits, they have a week of vacation in July and she's going to see if she can borrow some funds from her parents to help her afford the other summer programs in our area. I offered hubby's stay at home dad services, she could go to the gym and pool and picnics with him and my kids, they just play a lot in the yard and stuff, but he doesn't throw things at them, or ridicule them, and he's a good cook too!

She's going to complain more to higher ups, but she thinks it's futile. She said when she arrived there today and saw the woman and saw the smirk that she gave her her heart sank. Her daughter looked at her in dismay like, "mommy, I thought you took care of this?" Now she feels like she's failed her child. And she had to leave her there today. The crusher I thought was that the idiot counselor is STILL heading the group of these kids. UNSUPERVISED. They didn't even reassign her to a different group of children...all the kids were wide eyed this morning she said when they saw she was back.

I just don't understand. It sucks.

Communication

2006-06-21T15:23:00.000-04:00

I've recently read some very funny things about miscommunication, here's onehttp://signgurl.blogspot.com/2006/06/he-said-she-said.html, I thought that was so funny, thank you Sign Girl for sharing it. I've read some not so funny items as well, downright sad in fact. People who fail to speak to eachother in marriage, friends who let friendships fade for reasons they don't remember, parents who don't talk to their kids, etc., you get the picture.

Well, a friend of mine told me yesterday that her daughter (6 years old) she's a friend of my Green Bean, well this child told her mom on Monday night that she no longer wanted to go to the summer program she's been attending. That was it, wasn't going anymore and that she'd go to work with mom and dad for the rest of the summer or she could spend time at Green Beans house since his daddy stays at home. WHY???? I'm so happy the mom prodded the child as to why, well you see one of the "counselors" really does NOT like kids apparantly. She likes to kick their toys when she's in charge of the small group of K-1st graders, bounce the basketballs off of their heads b/c it's funny she said, likes to tell the kids to shut up b/c they are annoying or ugly or useless. Well this kid just wasn't going to have it anymore, she told the counselor she was going to "tell on her", to which the young woman said, "I don't care, go ahead, they won't believe you!"

Well, she told her mom and proceeded to tell her mother the following (this is from the email she sent to me, names are changed)

" She said she didn’t care, then turned around and wrote my 6 year old an apology note for being mean, gave her the phone number and address and told her to come play. Then in the next breath told her she didn’t want to look at her or be around her, daughter told her good she didn’t want to be near her either and she couldn’t wait for her to get in trouble. This woman is crazy!! The program boss is off for the week and mean counselor lady wasn’t there yesterday when I picked her up. Tomorrow I’m going to talk to Name of person who is next in line after Boss lady and I know he thinks a lot of daughter. What a mess!!! I really think something is wrong with this woman! She told daughter that she knows exactly where she lives because her sister lives on street next to ours and she has been by our house. I think she gave daughter her phone number to try to bate me into calling her, so she could pretend that we were picking on her. Believe me I really do want to call her and tell her what for! Daughter was really enjoying the program too and now this crazy b_ _ ch has to ruin it! "

WHAT!!! Well I told her not to wait another second, to call now, call and talk to someone right now, that crazy woman could be doing the same or worse to some other little kid who maybe doesn't talk to their parents so well. She did.

CRAZY B===CH WAS FIRED YESTERDAY!!! There had been several complaints, SEVERAL. So last night my friend, who's phone number is listed gets several "WRONG NUMBER" calls late at night, with giggling in the backround. Idiots.

All this makes me happy that so far my kids talk a lot to me, they tell me about their days and I ask them how they are, we talk a lot, too much some might say. And we're pretty frank and honest about things. We've had some no holds barred talks for their ages I think, they are curious little buggers, but hubby and I will always be honest with them we've said. Sometimes it's hard, but in the long run I hope it helps them. That or I'm totally scarring them for life!

Anyone else have some good communication or miscommunication stories?

well wishes to a bloggy friend

2006-06-20T14:57:00.000-04:00

I have a bloggy friend, you all have this friend too. This friend is having a very hard time right now with life, marriage especially. I just wanted to take a second and let this friend know that they are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm hoping that clarity comes this friends way, that self-doubt and self-loathing exit their thinking, and that they find the courage to do what they know they need to for themself and children. This road may not be fun, but we are thinking of this friend with much kindness and love.

Friend, you can do it!

Crazy person cleaning lady

2006-06-20T14:39:00.000-04:00

Yes, she is a crazy person, and there have been moments where I think she's a nice woman, down on her luck, a bit unfocused, hard to understand at times, but nice enough.

I don't think that today. She (let's call her TIS, for Thorn in Side) worked at my parent's home for a couple of years, she cleans businesses too and homes of others that I know. Well with my mother's impending move after marriage to her McMansion, she is getting rid of a lot, most, ok almost all of her furniture and decorations and dishes, and draperies, and towels, pots, pans, shoes, clothes, and even the contents of her liquor cabinet. That's right, she'll be replacing it all with new better versions all on the AC's expense account. At least she gets to shop in this deal she calls a marriage. Back to TIS, she wanted a lot, most of what my mother was getting rid of, and my mother is giving it away. Many of the items have been in my family for a long time, grandma's dressers, dining room set that my father bought and I love, china and silver from her wedding...stuff like that. Well naturally mother offered them to her kids first, and we've all thanked her for the items. It's nice to feel like I have a real piece of my childhood and as an extension, a piece of my dad and the memories of him in these items.

Well, TIS was mad. She told me so. She called me at work to let me know that I got a few things she really wanted. She understands but she had her heart set on it. "Since you gots your momma's stuff, I was thinking I could get your stuff that you're replacing it with" HUH?

She wants my stuff now since my "momma" is giving her the shaft, which she isn't but that was the point of her call. My mother did give her many items, linens, lamps, and a couple of dressers that I just didn't have a place for. My mother gave a lot to her church for their "annual sale", and she gave items to me and my sisters as well. Mother said that she felt uncomfortable giving anything else to TIS b/c when they came to get the previous items they just tossed it all around, rifled through it like yesterday's trash she said. It just made her feel uncomfortable she said, especially when TIS said "THAT IT?"

I kindly told TIS that my husband had already arranged for our items to go to a friend of his who is recently divorced, father of 5 and mom has left and taken all their items. But she was kind enough to leave him with the 5 children. So he's now a single father, one income, he's sold the home and downsized to save but needed furniture. We've passed it along. It was in good shape, not old or dilapidated, but I was so excited about the "new" items from my parents house. TIS responds that she doesn't have it as bad as that but she sort of feels like she's owed something since my mother didn't give her what she thought she was going to get. Got that folks. She's owed something b/c of my mother, so figures she can get it from me.

I was trying not to laugh (or yell), she said my mother was an "Indian Giver", welcome back to kindergarten folks, you heard me right an Indian giver.

I thanked her for the call and wished her well and hung up.

CRAZY

Happy Father's Day

2006-06-16T11:15:00.000-04:00

I won't be posting over the weekend and wanted to send a Happy Father's day out to all the Dads.

I will celebrate for my husband and my brother's in law, all wonderful fathers, me and my sisters are blessed I know.

I will miss my Daddy. We were so very blessed to have him. I know he watches over us and I hope we still make him proud. He was a strong and gentle man. He loved us, he believed in us, and he was always there for us. He protected, encouraged, and disciplined. He was the funniest man I've ever known, probably ever will know. He had a very hard life growing up but we only knew his love.

I thank him every day.

Hubby and I were talking last night and as we do tried to temper the good with the bad, the sad with the happy. We made lists for eachother, the 5 Best Moments and 5 Worst Moments. We shared the worst first and the best second. We had a lot of the same things. I'm very grateful for him, he's a great husband and father.

5 Worst Moments: (these are chonological, they weren't weighted)

- Day my sister died
- Day Husband was diagnosed with cancer
- Day Daughter was diagnosed with cancer
- Day Son was diagnosed with heart disease
- Day my Dad died

5 Best Moments:

- Day I got married
- Days I had each of my 3 kids, so that counts for 3
- Any of my family vacation days, (hubby said that wasn't fair, but I just can't pick one!)

I felt better after we spoke, I was feeling kind of sad before hand.

I wish I could say that good things have come from all the things above, and mostly that's true, except for my father dying. Nothing good has come of that for me. I will always miss him, always feel like something is missing. Thanks to my sisters who make this bearable, thanks to my children for making me smile and love life, thanks to my husband for showing me the kind of unconditional non-judgemental love that I got from my Dad as well.

I'm happy today and I feel good about this weekend. Reminding myself of all the things I am thankful for is a comforting thing for me.

I guess its gonna have to hurt

2006-06-13T15:45:00.000-04:00

That's how I feel about my mom right now, no other way around it. Just have to get through it, I wouldn't be so hurt if I didn't love her so much ya know, but it is what it is. She let the AC yell at my kids AGAIN, I just told them, "time to go kids" and we tromped out to the minivan, baby in my arms.
She said he was sorry he was just grouchy, WHATEVER, he's always grouchy, he makes Oscar the Grouch look like a kitten for pete's sake!

As we are driving away, my son says, "Jeez, we get yelled at and we didn't even do anything, just like you said, we didn't SAY ANYTHING and he still yelled at us for NOTHING" My oldest added, "Yeah, this SUCKS" What could I say, yes it sucks, your grandma is a fool with this man, and he's an ass.

I just told them they were very well behaved, they make me proud everyday.

I needed her help and that sucks too, I had to ask her for help. Thankfully it went well, my hubby had some court date from before he retired, these crooks take forever to come to trial. Anyhow, it got moved from last week to this week and the sitter is at BEACH WEEK, did you ever have a beach week, mhist o crity,I never had a beach week!...well no sitter, I'm working, the kids are NOT going to court with him...so newly retired grandma came to spend the morning and afternoon with them. They had a great time they said, she was by herself..the older kids both needed naps they were so tired, son said, "I'm exhausted, we played a lot and giggled" That's good, sad that it only happens when she's ALONE but good that it still happens. It's not so much about me, my kids, they miss her they want to see her, and she just isn't the same, I don't understand it all, how are they supposed to get her?

Tomorrow will be better, I won't feel so hurt anymore then I guess. I need to be resilient like the kids I guess.

Thanks for listening, I'm feeling better already.

First of all..

2006-06-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

Blogger sucks, all day yesterday I was trying to put up my post wedding post to NO avail, and now it is GONE.....so it goes.

"I can't believe you are doing this." Those words and a headshake were the last things I said to my mother before she walked down the aisle, she just looked at me and said, "What, oh, I know, me too, isn't it neat" She is a freak. My son and nephew walked her down the aisle but Green Bean would not put her hand in the AC's hand, he just turned, looked at his cousin and said, "let's sitdown" He was mad that they didn't do the "speak now" part, he looked at me from accross the aisle and mouthed, "Momma, he's not saying it?!?" In the very typical loud whisper of a 6 year old boy, I know I mouthed back, SHHH. I got to do a reading, yipee!! The love is patient, love is kind one, you've heard it if you've ever been to a church wedding I imagine, but do you remember the good parts,

Love is patient, Love is kind,It does not envy, it does not boast,It is not proud, It is not rude,It is not self-seeking,It is not easily angered,It keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices with the truth.Love always protects, always trusts,always hopes, always perseveres.Love bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends.L o v e N e v e r F a i l s.

This is most of it, there's a bit more, but that's the just of it. Notice the IS NOT items, well I emphasized them, I was eloquent I'm told, I hit the words well, looked up at the right times, those public speaking classes and experiences really came in handy at the event. I'm sure my Daddy was proud of me, I was polite too. I didn't say a WORD to the AC all day, not one, because I had nothing to say. Props to me, pat on the back, I get a star.

I met lots of people who are of a like mind and thinking as me and my sisters, but they say they are supporting my mother so she knows she has somewhere to go when this falls apart. It was so interesting to me, all these "friends" agree with us, they think he's an ass, but they want her to know she's loved. They say they've told her how they feel and she just smiles and either stops talking to them for a while or ignores it. There is one woman imparticular, she said to me, "I told your mother any man that wants you to change your life for him is not worth it, I did that I told her and where did it leave me, divorced and penniless, thank God I had time to turn it around." She had to work very hard to regain a relationship with her daughter after that she said, and now her daughter has done the same thing, and is miserable and about to divorce and be penniless until she can get a new job and start rebuilding her life too. It was rough, it was a good realization, I'm sad for my mother, I don't want her to go through this, and I know her, she's a very prideful woman, I fear she'd stay even when it gets bad just to prove everyone else wrong, with any luck he'll die by then and she won't have to worry about it.

She's getting rid of all her furniture, moves out of her house that she just sold in 3 weeks, into the new McMansion with the AC. She wasn't planning on retiring yet but did just over a month ago b/c he wanted her too, so he'd have more time with her. I think he loves his handiwork, the wedge he's driven, though he'd deny it to any askers, he has and he revels in it, you can see it in the wicked smile he gets when he interuppts our conversations, "Excuse me Kir, but I need my princess now" and takes her away mid sentence, disgusting.

I don't like having all this negativity in me, it's just ugly and I don't like it, so I've flushed it all out, I have to focus on the good things, and choose better than she. It's a sad day when you figure out that your parents aren't as wise as you thought, they are after all just people like me, who make mistakes and screw up, but unlike me, she apparantly doesn't learn from these experiences, just digs her hole deeper. I'll be here for her when it all crumbles. She's my mom and I love her.

So no real fire works, sorry to disappoint. The kids were great. Me and my other sister Kathy got nice and drunk at the reception, it was fun, don't get to do that often, and we said a toast to our MOTHER, and only to her, we told her we loved her and would always be there for her and that we only wanted her happiness, now and always. Notice we didn't address her new spouse or the existence of him it was obvious I'm certain, but that's all the nice things we had to say really. I met some of the AC's family, his nieces, whom he spends little time with, were actually very very nice, we got on very well together. One is married with a 2 month old, very nice husband, and adorable son, we had a lot to talk about. The other is single, her boyfriend was very nice, they left before the reception finished sadly, they were nice, but had a long drive ahead of them to get back home.

I had a great time the whole weekend with my sister and her family. We grilled out at my house, laughed a lot, drank too much, and laughed some more. I love having my sisters come up and spend time at my home, it's not much too look at but it is filled with a lot of love. We have a good time.

A quick shout out to my friend Bill, though I wish there were more juicy items of interest for you to read, I hope you enjoy my bloggy anyway.

Oh, remember the couple I told you all about who let out there "tape" of their recorded love by "Accident", me thinks it wasn't so much an accident any more. Hubby was at the gym with him and he says to hubby, "So are you and lil'sis into that?" "Into What?", "Ya know, taping, cuz we could swap some tapes, it'd be cool to see you all in action" Hubby says, "WTF did you just say to me?!?" "Oh, just kidding, I didn't think so, I was just kidding"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

too much for me kids, I can't take any of that. see us in "action", too gross, I don't want to see me in action for pete's sake, too odd for words, the rest of the workout was subdued he said, he couldn't wait to get out of there.

I posted not long ago about my job, and I don't want anyone to think incorrectly here, so I thought I'd just clarify a few things. I love my job, I love the guys I work with, just 2 of them and they are good people. I get along with them both well I think, we have lots to talk about, we work, they are both very funny and 2 of the smartest men I know thankfully. The stress that I do have at my job, is not frequent, and is not a lot, as jobs go, I hit the jackpot. I attribute this to 7 long years in job hell with the Wicked Witch, I was due a break after cleaning up after her shit, both literally and figuratively. I know I'm lucky and blessed, but somedays just don't go your way sometimes, you know the days, and everything just is crappy, tomorrow can't come soon enough on those days. There are days where I feel like I don't make much of a difference, in the grand scheme of things a monkey could do what I do most days, and they'd have to pay the monkey a lot less. I've always felt I need to make a contribution, the greater good. Somedays I feel like I don't do that and it bugs me. Most days, I'm ok with where I'm at, my difference will be with my children I guess, raising them right, doing good with what I'm given.

I'll try and be a better blogger, I've been neglecting my posting and also, I'm told there is some blogger etiquitte about replying to messages posted in my comments, I'll try and do better, but I do love comments, knowing I'm not talking to the air out there is nice.

lots of love to all of you in bloggy land!

-lil'sis

So remind me again, who's day is it?

2006-06-02T14:17:00.000-04:00

Yes, that's right, the wedding is tomorrow, shuddering at the thought.

Dear mother calls me today to see what time I'll be at her house tonight for her "pre-wedding dinner party", I tell her I get off work at 4:30 and will go home first then out to her place....WHWHWHAT!!??? she asks, You're not taking off early for MY wedding weekend!

Now, it's a "wedding weekend", not just a "wedding day", these events must trump everything else that goes on in life you see. I tell her as politely as possible, that no, the boss man is traveling, I need to be at the office the WHOLE day today, things to do, all that fun stuff, holding down the fort so to speak. She is incredulous, then she's feigning that she's actually hurt, Well as soon as you get home change and come out right away, I'd think you'd want to show how happy you are for us by being there to help greet people.

She's off her rocker I tell ya. If I show up with cammo on and guns strapped over my body would that be too much, maybe not the best way to greet my "new FAMILY" members. How about some food, I could bring some food that .....oh I can't do that it's against the law. Maybe I can talk really funny, tell them when they ask what I do for a living that I breed animals for medical research or something really nice like that, now that's not nice either, and I'd never do it, maybe just suddenly develop a nervous twitch or something that causes me to hit people, that wouldn't be too bad, I know I'm over reacting here. In the grand scheme of things this is so small potatoes really, it's just a wedding, a little party, smile be cordial, I can fake it, most woman can right at one time or another we're all pressed into faking it for the greater good.

My kids like Japanese food, they love the hibachi grill where they'll cook in front of you, when we go to these places, you always get some strangers seated at your grill unless you have a huge party of people. My dear hubby said to the family that the best way to deal with this event is to pretend where just at one big hibachi party, minus the good sushi, and be nice and cordial to the folks, even the ac, just like we would strangers at the hibachi. Strangers that we'll never see again hopefully, just be friendly and when dinner is done, we're on our way. I think it'll work, NOT!

My son asked us if they really do ask the "speak now..." question, we explained it's just rhetorical really, and they probably won't ask it this go around, too many takers I'm sure. In the back of my mind though I still have that nagging thought that he's going to pipe up and say something, or maybe he'll just burp or fart then, he likes doing that too!

The point of all of this is what really, that my mother is a very selfish woman, any and everytime you talk to her it's all about her, so this is just a weekend where she thinks she's allowed more so than usual to be overly self absorbed, because after all it is "HER WEEKEND".

On a happier note, happy birthday to my dearest baby buddha, I'll miss seeing him this weekend, his rosy cheeks and red hair, walking around with him and showing him butterflies. Enjoy your 1st birthday and know that we'd all rather be celebrating with you and in our hearts and minds, that's right where we'll be!

It's not as easy as it looks

2006-06-01T12:25:00.000-04:00

Lots of people, (by that I mean the few I actually know) think my job is just cake, so easy, good money, great boss...well it's not always SOOO friggin' easy, and not always soOOOOOOmuch fun either. Working with millionaires when your not one of them is not always a blast, sometimes it sucks. Today for instance....I think I'm the only one of the 3 of us here, no I KNOW I am the only one that NEEDS her payroll to enter her account exactly when it's supposed to, I DO live paycheck to paycheck, especially since hubby had to medically retire right before we had baby #3 in November. He is a wonderful stay at home daddy to all 3, but the change in salary for the family has created pressure let's say. And the long gone "savings account" was such a luxury when it existed, now it is just a playful memory. I can do TIGHT, I can be Frugal....but I must have the payroll arrive on time. I spent this morning with the banks and wiring funds so monies would arrive where they needed to. I called in favors from other assistants to make this happen, I owe one guy lunch and another lady coffee. Small prices to pay to keep the homefires payed for I guess. They are nice folks so they'll probably forgive the favor callin and let me off without doing lunch or coffee. Right now I need a drink, a long smooth swig of wine would do me, I've never been one for liquor anyhow, but I guess that could help too.

I hate panic mode, I don't care for "Oh shit" moments, they stress me.

All is better now, I must let it go.

About dear mother's nuptuals this weekend, now I have a dinner on Friday to attend to meet and greet and be cordial to and diffuse any tension at or with the new "other half" of the newly made Instant Family- I don't want anymore family. I'm overloaded with what I've got already thank you very much. Then we have said wedding on Saturday, I can only hope for lightening to strke the ac down when he enters the church to which he is not a member and does not believe in. Then the horrid reception, where I'll have to keep all the children from running around like crazies even though they should be able to play with their cousins and have fun on a weekend summer like day and do fun cousin things, no they'll have to pretend to me quiet, seen and not heard children ALL DAMN DAY, now she want everyone back to her house after the reception , TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER, WTF! I don't want that, I want to go to my home with my sister and brother in law and my kids and hubby and grill and drink wine and laugh a little, or cry as the occaision might call for it.

NOW, too she's added a SUNDAY breakfast, to CELBRATE again. She is so MEMEMEMEMEMe, I can't take it anymore, she said to me when I told her I couldn't do all of it, "Well I just thought that I don't get married every day, maybe my children would actually want to share this with me. " I wanted to point out that this will indeed be her 3rd marriage so she does do it more often then most folks I know, maybe I'll be more inclined to enjoy the 4th one though, I didn't say it, I'm not heartless. I told her I'd do my best, but couldn't commit the entire family to all these functions.

My oldest is sick, maybe strep, I'll find out at 3 today, she feels horrid and is missing all the fun times at the last week of school, she's bummed. I think the baby is getting "the illness" now, she was up so much the last 2 nights and she has so rarely done that, so I'm worried. My son is now the most outspoken 6 and a half year old I know and I think when they priest says, "speak now...." he most likely will have a few words to add!

So this Saturday at around 11 am eastern standard time, if you're inclined to such things, please do say a little prayer or send some good karma my way, I'm sure I'll get through it just fine, but good thoughts coming my way can only help! I need strength to guard of the negative beast that wants to pop out and kill someone at the ceremony. On Sunday, if you read of a woman killing her soon to be step father at a wedding, it's me and you can send money to my defense fund care of Buddha Girl!

Lots of love,
lil'sis

What Literary woman am I?

2006-06-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

You're Anna Karenina of Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy!

Stupid code won't post, damn, damn, damn

I was surprised I must say, I think my romantic side carried the day on the quiz!

Love a good romance, how about you? Tell me your favorite romance for summer reading, I'm starting a list!

"Do couples always argue the week before the wedding?"

2006-05-24T12:54:00.000-04:00

This was the question posed to me last night from my mother who is getting married to the anti-christ in 10 short days. " I have so much planning to do, things to get done, I have to get the count to the catering place for chicken and crab cakes!!!!" I heard more "I"'s last night then I have since the LAST time I spoke with her. Oh boy, she lives in a very small world, she's the only one in it and when others venture their way in to her pseudo reality chamber it is SCARY!!!!

My kids have officially began to rebel, they do NOT want to attend the affair and are not going to be quiet about it. Green bean said he wasn't going, hopes we have fun, Loud Girl asked for a bribe to attend, and when the baby sees pics of her grandmother she looks away or cries.

Oh, and can I help alleviate the tension that we have in the family somehow? That came up in our conversation, now I get to officially run interference for mommy dearest b/c she's just so OVERWHELMED! She's retired, has no financial stress, nothing to worry about but herself and decorating her new McMansion, which is not all that lovely I might add. I have 3 kids, husband, home, and job. I'll take what I got thank you very much. I'M HAPPY DAMN IT! She is NOT.

That's enough for today.

One very nice item, hubby and I are finally getting organized, a little at at time, I think all that HGTV is helping after all. That or my meltdown on Saturday about not being able to find any space that's peaceful hit home, I don't care why or how, I just hope it lasts, he says he's on board with the VISION we discussed. He also said he's quitting smoking, I haven't seen evidence of it yet, but the fact that he's stating it out loud of his own volition is an event in and of itself! Smiles for me and lots of love to all of you in Bloggy land.

Wow, it's been a week

2006-05-19T14:51:00.000-04:00

since my last bloggy, where has the time gone...so busy. Relay was a HUGE success lots of fun, they did an article in last Sunday's paper on Emily which was really nice 2 pretty good pics of her and I at Relay, one of her teachers laminated it for her and gave it to her, other teachers hung copies of it in their classrooms, she was SHINING!!!

Things are good, I'm happy, kids happy, baby is growing like a weed and hubby feels pretty good! Waiting now for the clouds to open up and bestow some bad news on me but I'll try and stay positive, really I will, it just seems like when things start going well, something crappy happens, and I don't want that to become a self-fulfilling prophecy so I'll stop talking it up right now!

On a very sweet note, a family that we see at Relay, friends of my big sister's they are originally from the Bronx, and parents now live in the South, well they spent a lot of time holding the baby at Relay, and the mom says to me, "Sweetie, I don't see little white babies too often, but this one is just beautiful, she's so pink, she's like a big ball of cotton candy, that's what I'll call her, my little Cotton Candy!" Well, we've been calling her that all week, I'm wondering if the nickname may scar her as she grows older, but she is so cute and pink, it fits!

On another note, we know someone, who apparantly is a little freaky in the bedroom from what he said, well he likes to videotape him and his lovely lady, what the hell for I do not know, and just like you hear about, the TAPE got OUT, accidentally to a friend, boy this is bad stuff, but what did they think would happen??? Awful, and at the same time I did laugh, so mean I know, but who would think it!!! Do they not watch E!?? Thing of it is, the lady in question does not know it "got out" and doesn't know that people have seen her in lets just say not her best presentation I'm told. WHY people WHY!!!

I have no way to transition after that one so I'll just move on.

Dear mother asked me to read a bible verse at her wedding, I asked if it was from Revelations and she just looked at me with a none to happy grin.

I better imbibe some of the wine before hand, who know what'll happen at this fiasco.

Till next time, lots of love to all of you in bloggy land and remember, keep your personal videos in a safe place!

-lil'sis

Ready to Relay

2006-05-12T10:21:00.000-04:00

Well , Relay for Life is this weekend, some of you may know from experience or from reading Buddha Girl, but I'm a big supporter of this American Cancer Society annual event. My oldest child and my husband are cancer survivors, my dad lost his battle with cancer and I have too many friends to mention who've been touched by it.

We walk, we raise money, we laugh, raise money, cry, raise money, eat, raise money...you get the pattern here right. Well so far, my very small team of 5 members has just over $27, 000 dollars raised this season and I'm damn proud of it.

Emily was diagnosed at 22 months, she endured 2 and a half years of treatment and will be 4 years cancer free this December. Yes you can say I'm happy. There are days when I feel she's my cross to bear, but most days she's just my doll, my miracle, one of the few loves of my life.

Relay is always fun, tiring and fun and very rewarding. This year I'm working on Advocacy and will be attending the Celebration on the Hill in September in Washington DC as a Celebration Ambassador from my state. I'll get to lobby with politicians, and hob nob, and more importantly maybe get their ear for a few precious minutes to implore them to keep on funding cancer research, therapies, diagnostic, preventative treatments and ask them to continue to address the disparities that exist in quality and availability of care as well as lack of health coverage for far too many folks. My advocacy function this weekend will be to recruit Celebration supporters and ACS CAN volunteers to help with these efforts year round. We'll also be getting signatures on the WALL OF HOPE banner. Every Relay around the country is having a banner signed by participants, then in September we'll hang these banners on the Mall in DC and create the WALL OF HOPE, we'll present our elected officials with these signatures on the banner and on our petitions to show them the support we have throughout the country for these efforts. We are not party affiliated. We do not endorse candidates or come out against them. We endorse and rally around our goals, we push them. The 2015 goal of reducing cancer related deaths and occurances by 50% is a real and attainable goal. If by 2015, a mother very much like myself 6 years ago is sitting in a hospital room being told her child has cancer and to cure it they'll give her some pills and that's it, and she'll be back to herself in no time with little to no side effects, if they can tell her that the insurance she pays so much for will actually cover this and she won't go broke, it they can tell her that her child won't suffer from pain for the next 2 years from needles and ports installed in her little body and bone marrow tests and all the other fun stuff that goes along with it, IF that can happen, my time and efforts are not lost. My job will have been done. Even if we're just a little closer to that being a reality, I will have succeeded.

So I Relay, I talk, I ask for money, I walk for 24 hours one day a year, I light candles to remember the friends we've lost, and to celebrate the ones that lived. That's why I Relay.

Now go away from here and find your space to make a difference. Find your cause and purpose and do it.

Lots of love,
lil'sis

Last but not least my past life...

2006-05-10T14:48:00.000-04:00

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Jittery Philosopher.

Where You Lived: Turkey.

How You Died: The Plague.

The plague, GROSS

Who Were You In a Past Life?

My theme song is..

2006-05-10T14:47:00.000-04:00

I couldn't resist I had to do this one to, I like my theme song, I hope you like yours!

Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2

"Sky falls, you feel likeIt's a beautiful dayDon't let it get away"
You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments.And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.

What's" Your Theme Song?

Am I Hot!

2006-05-10T14:36:00.000-04:00

You Are Smokin' Hot

You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal.
Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally.

Are You Hot?

I just didn't know how hot I was, WOW. I saw this on Dork-o-Rama, Terry's blog which I love to read and gave it a try, if I only knew I was this hot all along!

I want to know if you are hot, please let me know*smile*

lots of love,

lil'sis